The Contemplative Life

Sadly, the contemplative life is not for everyone. Not because it isn't offered, but the invitation is ignored, or perhaps worse, missed.

Disembarking from the Disney Monorail last night, I remember feeling a bit sad. I love taking the boat back to the resort area at the end of the night, but with no vessel in sight, we opted for the train. The automatic doors opened as we neared them, wafting lovely music in our direction. Crossing the threshold, I couldn't help but slow my pace and then I began to stroll toward the edge of the balcony. Smiling, I leaned forward taking in the couches and people below, the chandeliers above and the band directly ahead. My attitude shifted and I suddenly felt as though I'd been ushered into a party--a party just for me. (No offense to my friends... Maybe the party was for them, too...) I felt delighted!

One friend suggested we drink in the loveliness from the floor below. I gladly followed her lead and found myself sitting (more like lounging) on a sofa marveling at the sounds and sights in the room all around me. I was transported to a delicious place--I felt seen by the Lord. He knew I would love this! And here I was, leisurely receiving His good gift to me.

I thought about it again today as I was reading in a beautiful garden. How often do we run ahead with life, forgetting to capture the treasured moments by staying present in them? How often do we miss the extended invitation for beauty, dependence and intimacy? One thing I'm seeing so clearly in my life right now is the way in which all of my disappointments have added up to a growing awareness of my desire. It is so painful. The longings at times, unquenchable. I'd rather ignore them than sit in them. It hurts too much. My preference would be to exterminate what feels bad even though it's pointing toward good paths of freedom ahead. Trouble is, I cannot see exactly where they lead and fear rises within me. I want to know and I want to be in control because otherwise, how can I be sure that I'll be okay?

Larry Crabb talks about this idea... He says (my summary) that to exterminate desire is the way of Buddha, not the way of Jesus. Jesus actually invites us to go deeply into the pain of desire and longing. His heart is to bring us joy that cannot be stolen from us, but we must live in reality that at our core, we desire Him. Squelching or deadening desire or longing keeps us from discovering the depths of our desire for God. I'm finding this picture he offers to be so true of my experience over the past four years. And, I'm thankful. I've never been so honest. I've never hurt so much. And, I have never felt more alive.

I'm learning to accept this invitation into a deeper faith. I'm learning to love God for who He is, not what I think He should be or what He needs to do for me. Jesus has so often been a means to an end for me. In this process, I'm finding that He is the end. All of these paths--of sorrow and gladness--lead to Him. In Him, and in Him alone, there is fullness of JOY and life ABUNDANT. I don't want to be a woman of shallow faith. I want to be a woman who lives from a place of abiding hope, peace and joy despite the pain I may encounter in disappointment and longing. I want to recognize these as gifts and invitations to love God more deeply and experience His desire for me more profoundly. So today, I pray again for the courage to sit in those places and accept His invitation into a deeper and more meaningful relationship. It's an incredible invitation...