The Road Called Repentance

The past couple of weeks have dealt some crushing blows. Why have circumstances resulted in my feeling rejected again? I've been leaning into with Jesus with this question. But, I feel it deeply. It feels like a strong, significant blow. I've felt blindsided, angry, confused, hurt. Processing with someone today, we talked about my tendency to head for the hills when a shadow of possible rejection looms. If just a hint of it hits the air, I smell it. I see it coming. I know what's about to happen. I'm packing my bags. I've learned it well.

And the tears fall.

"I've learned it well."

Sometimes it feels like I know rejection better than I know Love. I've learned to self-protect while Love knocks at the door. But, how can I trust Love in the face of realities that have spoken the opposite into and over me time and time again? Love is on a hazardous road when it comes to winning me, it seems.

I've been reading the Book of Ruth lately. One verse has stood out to me each time I've encountered it. Naomi is speaking to Ruth who has just put herself "out there" with Boaz. Full of character, he doesn't take advantage of Ruth, but invites her to wait for him to do what is necessary to ensure a virtuous and redemptive outcome. I think it would have been really hard to be in Ruth's shoes... Is he trustworthy? Does he mean it? Does he really love me?

The stakes are high for Naomi in all of this, as well. Her future is on the line. Yet, hope seems to have found a way into her soul once again. She understands something more about the situation and wisely instructs Ruth, "Just be patient, my daughter, until we hear what happens. The man won't rest until he has settled things today." (3:18)

My process of healing in this area of my life has been long. I wonder what it will look like to step out from it and I pray for that day--I battle through the hardship, trusting the Lord for that future. And, I experience pieces of it today. I do so because I know Him... I understand something fresh about His heart for me... He won't rest until things are settled in the proper way, in the proper time. I'm grateful and I hurt.

I felt certain I would have left the country last Thursday. Too bad my passport is still expired. I thought about that today as I talked about running away and how intense the desire is when I see the writing of rejection on the wall. I cried again as I considered how I've learned that I'm something easily rejected, easily abandoned, easily released. I cried more when I realized I've bought into that lie over and over and over and over again. I've allowed myself to be dehumanized. I've allowed myself to be labeled: Rejected.

And as I felt a new level of sadness for the girl who didn't realize she bought into a lie along the way, the Lord reminded me that I was hungry and I called a favorite Thai spot (the best food in the world?). I cried on my way to pick up my take out and cried on my way to pick up my mail at the Post Office. And, well, I've been eating green curry while crying on and off since.

The road is long, but He is at the end of it, He's walking next to me on it, and He's in step behind me helping me to press on. My responsibility is to walk with Him in the truth. I think the road is called Repentance.