Shifting Seasons

Every time I enter a new season, I encounter sleeplessness. I should have known something was about to happen when the insomnia began this past week. Tossing and turning, I continued to ask the Lord about it. I'd actively re-surrendered my desire to move back to the city because after picking up my search recently, things seemed to be falling apart once again. It didn't bother me though. A fresh understanding of His goodness remained in my view. "I'll move when it's time," I reasoned.

Sweet surrender.

Within a day of this though, everything changed. The landlord who had been pursuing called again. "My friend doesn't really 'feel' this place," I thought. Though, despite some of the realities of the space which didn't line up with our hopes, I liked it and could see myself there. And, here he was again asking if there was any way for us to come to an understanding. In all of these years, in the many places I have lived, this has never happened. I called my friend. She agreed to take a second look. Her opinion shifted as we walked through it. I was surprised. Then, he worked with us on those details where we didn't line up originally and suddenly, it was done. Done. Moving Monday!

Honestly, the Lord has loved me so well in this process. Today, as I waited for the paperwork to clear, fear rose inside of me. "Maybe this is too good to be true?" I wondered while watching the support letters I was working on print. His voice was kind, but firm, "I will not fail or abandon you." Tears. Shaking my head 'yes' in response, I stopped. "Thank you, Lord. Thank you so much for caring so well for my heart."

I'm so in love with Him. He's handing me good gifts like they're going out of style right now. I feel humbled, blessed and seen. Because, well, I am. I'm just reminded, once again, how deep His love is for me and how well He cares for me and provides for me. It's amazing. Over and over again, He reminds me as He has throughout the past few weeks, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want."

It's true. I don't want for anything. I'm incredibly grateful and feeling overwhelmed (in the best sense) tonight. As I continue thanking the Lord for being so wonderful (as always), I just wanted to brag on Him here a little bit. Hope you don't mind.

Bon Appetit!

Thursday was full this week. The day began celebrating the life of the sweet little one who has meant so much to us. We later grabbed lunch and went to pet puppies. We were all dressed up in bright colors. I wore my four-inchers.

The afternoon found me in a meeting and after, I stopped in at a favorite coffee shop to work; though, I ended up spending the time chatting with my friend there. It was a timely visit and conversation. I felt thankful to have stopped in as I sat, listening to a present piece of her story. 

Realizing I had a short hour before I needed to be at my evening commitment, I decided to pop into my old neighborhood to grab a quick dinner. Thinking I'd sit at the bar, I went inside. But, looking out again, I thought, "It's such a lovely evening... I should enjoy it." I asked the hostess to seat me somewhere near the sidewalk and spent a quiet 40 minutes taking in the sights and sounds of the neighborhood I love so dearly. I felt overdressed, honestly, but smiled thinking of my former life in Boston. I fit in perfectly there wearing outfits like the one I had on. Oh how life has changed! I ate my dinner and realized how content I felt to be sitting there alone. I didn't feel it... Alone, I mean.

There was a moment, when I was mid-way through my meal, when a man walked by me and moved toward the parking lot on the other side of the building. I had a strange feeling that he had wanted to say something to me as he walked by. I shrugged the thought off, thinking it silly. Next thing I knew, he turned around and walked the seven paces back toward my table, lowered himself toward the table and extended his hands outward then inward towards his chest. Clasping his hands now, he smiled a sincerely kind smile; his eyes lit up as he slowly and carefully enunciated a clear, "Bon appetit!" He kept eye contact with me as I smiled, offering a cheery, "Thank you!" Then, as quickly as he came, he turned on his heels and left.

I was taken back in the best sense. I felt very noticed and even cared for. I sat there smiling at nothing for a while. It was as if the Father was saying, "Enjoy your dinner. I see you... Indeed, you aren't alone." It's sweet to remember the Lord is in the details. I'm so thankful for His generosity in employing a kind stranger to affirm His love for me. I think this is what longing for Him feels like... It is so, so good to be loved by Him. He's incredibly thoughtful...

The Ugly Never Really Came

There were a few moments in this day (I think there were three to be exact-ish), where I felt misunderstood. Funny thing is, I kept going. I didn't lose myself. These things stung a little (one stung a lot, if I'm honest). I felt the urge to explain myself.

And the world seemed to come to a standstill, turning its gaze in my direction.

I felt it.

I may have even nodded back at it. Like, "Yes, you see me world? I'm not receiving this stuff. I don't need to let it take me away from myself..." Still, you likely know this about me by now, I felt the tension. The little war which goes on inside my belly set off the alarms and prepared for the ugly. But, it never really came.

I wasn't perfectly composed. Nope. I wasn't. I haven't forgotten the things nor have I finished dealing with the one which needs to be further addressed. But, I was brave.

In one instance, I held my peace and let my rising objections subside into little peaceful waves. "I don't need you to affirm me or understand," I quietly mused. In another moment of opportunity, I picked up the phone and left the message I needed to leave. I wasn't fully myself... Somehow I used my voice to say what I needed to say. It's still not finished. I don't like that, but I'm okay.

It feels good to be here.

More Important Questions

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Romans 5:1-5

(www.biblegateway.com)

He has led me here again. Romans 5. For years I have returned to this place in Scripture for consolation and comfort. Each time He has met me here, reminding me of what is true. The place I approach from today is no different. He has been inviting me to lift my eyes and acknowledge what is true. 

In my mind I have this picture of His eyes. There really aren't words to convey the experience as I look into them. Usually, they're hazel in color, but what I see there...?  Depth. Understanding. Care. Perfect 'seeing'. I know He knows me. I know He gets it. Somehow, I see His longing for me to see Him, too. All facades fall away and I come undone in my weariness, disappointment, sadness and in my desire to believe and to see what He sees. 

I picture myself sitting cross-legged and opening my palms before Him. "Lord, put faith in these hands. Establish in me hope and belief. Tell me the truth so I can live in it. Help me to set aside my incomplete understanding. Give me Your understanding..." The funny thing is, He typically doesn't give me the specific answers I'm seeking. One might find that frustrating. It's strange though... I find myself relieved not to know. I think it's because I trust Him. 

All things considered, at the end of the day, He has promised to work all things together for good for those who love Him. I have to believe this because it's true. Regardless of my feelings or the experience I've had in the places of pain, I've seen His goodness. I've experienced His faithfulness. How can I forget what's true? How can I disregard what He has lovingly sacrificed so I might have life? I cannot forget.

But how do I hope in the face of hardships?

A couple I love offered a blessing to me this week for my birthday. Part of the writing said, "One of the Hebrew words for 'hope' and 'wait' derives from the same root word. The Hebrew words translated 'hope' to mean confidence, twisting in labor pains, waiting, shelter, expectation, patience, security, trust, enduring, expectancy, something longed for. When your temptation to hopelessness continues without fulfillment, your Father says those who wait for Him will never be put to shame. Your Father is the God of hope who fills you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him..."

And I understand something significant. I'm asking trivial questions like, "Why, Lord?" When the more meaningful question is, "Who are You, Lord?" You see, I need to know Him as He really is. No longer viewing Him through earthly lenses, but heavenly ones. He holds all things in His hands. I don't simply cling to Him when I see how His promises are fulfilled. I cling to Him always, even when I cannot see. I don't let go of Him. Therefore, I can hope.

Uncharted Territory

Sophie came into the world on Sunday. She spent 10 short, but beautiful hours with her parents, extended family and friends. Lindsey and Kevin say it best here: 10 Precious Hours... Personally speaking, it was one of the greatest honors I've ever had to meet, hold and kiss her. And while we celebrate her life which has touched countless other lives, we also grieve. We grieve deeply.

Being with them in the hospital for a few days as Lindsey bravely labored and Kevin showed remarkable strength and courage was a gift. Welcoming Sophie was so beautiful. Losing her was terrible. And, to be honest, I haven't known how to celebrate my own birthday this week in light of the events of last weekend.

Yesterday, I was thrilled to see them. Linds, in her kindness and care asked, "What are you doing to celebrate your birthday?" The reality that she'd ask me that question in the midst of this was incredibly loving and selfless. Though, I've seen those two things in her throughout this season and have been amazed by the way she desires to see other people and their stories as she walks in her own. I'm blessed to have her in my life and call her one of my dearest and best friends. I wasn't sure what to tell her. So, I told her the truth... "It's been hard to think of how to celebrate, but I know I'll regret it if I don't..."

It's just that everything else seems so very small in comparison...

And, I'm wrestling with the Lord right now. I know He is good. I know He is faithful and loving and kind. I know He is able. I know He is willing. And, perhaps this is why I wrestle with Him.

There are layers to this season ahead and I don't know how to walk in it. It's a challenge to consider how to approach it all in my own life let alone knowing how to journey alongside some of the people I love the most. The thing I'm understanding today is that I don't have to know how. Even as I wrestle with God, He is still with me and loves me right here. He will show me the way forward and help me.

It's a strange thing to trust Him so much, yet wonder why He would allow the things He allows all at once. If anyone thinks following Jesus is easy, I guess I don't see what they see. I'm thankful for Him. He is the way, the truth, and the life indeed. But He doesn't always make sense... And the path isn't easy. He doesn't accomplish things the way I would. But then again, He is God and I am not.

So today, I sit here and invite Him to show me how to celebrate and live from a place of abiding joy. I ask Him to love on my friends and comfort them. I tell Him again how I need Him and how I really don't understand. This has to be good enough for today. It just has to be.