I Resolve

"My deepest awareness of myself is that I'm deeply loved by Jesus Christ and I have done nothing to earn it or deserve it." -- Brennan Manning

When I think of resolutions this comes to mind... What if, in 2014, I chose to come to an awareness that Jesus really loves me and He did everything for me so I could experience His life-changing, astounding love? I've been on a journey to this place for a number of years and still see how far I have to go. This year, I pray that His love for me becomes my deepest awareness of myself indeed. Thank you, Brennan Manning for continuing to teach me. I'm thankful for you and know you're enjoying His presence in a way I cannot imagine. It's a beautiful thought though. 

Conversations

A little while ago, the Lord and I had this conversation...

Me:
How did you do it Lord? How did you forgive us?

Him:
"I had compassion on you... You really did not know what you were doing. You didn't know the extent of My love for you and the joy I had when I made you. You didn't know the brokenness you were living out. You didn't know the way you were hurting Me, yourself and others. You didn't get it because You couldn't see the full picture of what your sin cost you. I could see it and it moved Me to compassionately fulfill what you could not. I bore your debt because I loved you. I forgave you because I loved you. I wanted to set you free into the things I really made you for -- life and love and relationship."

I'm grateful for His compassion. I'm thankful I have a model to follow when it comes to forgiveness because His way is better than mine. I pray for the ability to do as He did. Forgive myself. Forgives others.

Bless and Release

The sadness I've processed here about friendship this year has lead me to a fresh point of understanding recently. The people who regularly choose to live life with me, those who want to know my story and walk with me are my actual friends. And, the same is true for me with others.

I've decided it's no longer important to be distracted by those I thought were my close friends and the disappointment I feel about the way they don't choose me. Instead, I'm realizing how key it is for me to look around my life and notice those who ARE choosing in. These are my true friends. I have the privilege to celebrate this reality and continue to move forward, releasing my expectations of the other people by acknowledging that though they are in my life in a way, they aren't the people I'd hope they would be to me (and I to them). AND, it's okay.

No longer do I need to live in the tension I feel in what I have hoped for (because honestly, I don't feel the hope there lately). I can release and bless them in their lives and friendships with others while taking joy in those who do choose me. It's a good reality for me to embrace right now as I move through this transition and into the good things God has for me. I don't have to take anything away from them, nor do I have to live in the sadness I've experienced from regularly being overlooked and left out.

I think this is another path to freedom in my life right now. I pray I walk it with grace and kindness and love. It's good to see my choice in it, so I can take responsibility and walk freely and lightly.

Holding Patterns

It's like floating
high up in the sky
beneath you a destination
but you're holding

There is fruit found in the pattern
lap after lap
seemingly making no progress
toward there

But here there is sight
the lay of the land
just outside your window
you see it

Over and over again
it appears
while the sun (or moon) shifts
fresh perspectives in the waiting

Sadness, too...
you're still there
while everything is changing
in and around and below

People come and go
invite then cease to want you
memories made a year ago
become just that -- memories

Another time
a different seeing
abruptly ended by a 'break'
which became more or less permanent

And you
there's no fighting for it in you
not the 'job'
not the friendships

Desire hasn't left
but hope has
it's not what you thought
and you're depleted from hoping so long

Understanding gives way
new possibilities...
changing what you can
because it's time

Blessing as you go
no one meant harm
but it did harm
nothing changes that

Bless
forgive yourself
forgive them
let those hopes die

In death comes new life
release ushers in the landing
deplaning sets your feet
on good, solid ground.

Here's to New Beginnings

The sweet Christmas tree gifted to my roommate by her boss is lit. Sitting in the corner surrounded by stuff that still doesn't have a place called home, the lights are twinkling.  It's so good to be here. I never decorate for Christmas. It seems pointless since I'm always on the road. But, this, well it's nice.

Dishes are cluttering the counters and the stove top in the kitchen. Recycling is piled at the side door. Boxes and papers sit atop the table adding to the mess. But right now, I'm happy to sit looking at this tree and choosing to take a moment to breathe.

I've finished the last detail of it. Emails have been sent. I checked each of those tasks off with a smile. In fact, I prepared for this moment in the morning by scooting my way over to Starbucks and treating myself to an Eggnog Latte for my meeting. When I arrived at the meeting my friend was about to tell me there was coffee in the kitchen, but stopped herself noticing the drink in my hand. I smiled and said I was celebrating. I was.

Today marks the last day of this season I've been in. I wanted to notice it. I wanted to feel what I felt and take in the people and my surroundings. I did. And, in my heart I was saying goodbye.

Goodbye to what's happened.
Goodbye to the pain.
Goodbye to the misunderstandings.
Goodbye to feeling not very seen or wanted or needed.
Goodbye to it.

And even: Goodbye to the me that has been here hurting for so long.
Goodbye to her.

I cried on my way home. I decided not to go to the other meeting because of something else said to me a week ago. It just didn't feel worth it to me today to choose beyond confusing words. I couldn't muster the dignity to tell myself I could be there. I wanted to open my fingers and release anything remaining from this season -- like petals falling away in the wind. There's still sadness and I have a feeling I'll cry a lot in the coming weeks. I've arrived at that piece of the grief now.

But the joy is coming. I don't say that because I need to make the grief feel better. I say it because I genuinely believe it. Some people prayed over me today and one particular prayer went something like this...

"I see a grain of sand in the ocean inside of an oyster and it is irritating."

Before he said it, I thought, "I'm the grain of sand" and I began to cry.

"You're the grain of sand," he continued as I nodded. "Your perspectives have been different than those of other people. You've stood your ground and you've felt the pressure of it. God honors you for your faithfulness in speaking what you see."

There was more and it was far better than what I'm sure I related in the quotations above. Regardless, it is so true. For two years I have felt every ounce of that pressure, that difference. I feel like an irritant -- like a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal -- but the Lord has continued to tell me to continue to say it. In love. Say it in love. Sometimes I have. Sometimes I haven't. And to this day, I'm still feeling the weight of being the irritant because I don't see things the same way they do. It hurts. Badly. And it doesn't hurt because I say the things. It hurts because I've experience the wonder of being dismissed and/or the reality that it doesn't really change anything to say it. Words so filled with opportunities and hope for greater fruitfulness in love seem to fall flat in front of my very eyes.

But then I remember the oyster... Then I remember the pearl. The pearl doesn't come without the irritant. Oh God, make me a holy irritant! Cultivate so much love in me that even when the words come out, what's felt and experienced is the power of Your Presence, Your patience, goodness, joy, kindness, love. I want to be that sort of a 'her'.

I get to rest now for a bit. My privilege is to seek Him and invite Him into the remaining pieces of this mess to sort through it in only the way He will. He gets to align me back to what He's started in me. He's faithful to complete what He's started, so this is a good beginning for me. When I return, I hope to be filled up to overflowing with His love and His light. I'd love to offer that so much more to these people and this place. Even if it looks different. And, I already know it's going to look very different. I just don't know quite how yet. The next month or so will tell.

For now, I'm content to sit in view of the lovely little tree and remember how He is for me. He is for me.

Grandma B

Just a moment ago I came across a picture of my dad and grandmother from a few years ago at Christmas. Unexpectedly, I started to cry. She left us last year and I miss her. It's strange to think of gathering with my family in a couple of weeks to celebrate without her again this year.

It is a great picture though--a sweet reminder of moments with her. This morning, I'm really thankful for the Lord's love and the people He gives to us as gifts. I'm also thankful I'll get to see her again.

Tell Me, Show Me

The truth can hurt, but it also sets us free. Last week I learned a couple of things that I've genuinely missed in the past two years. The lack of communication and clarity on one end and my inability to understand on my end has left me feeling a deeper sense of sadness on the whole. I've been really, really angry this year. Many things have contributed, but at the root of it I've found how my expectations for what I thought I was getting into and the reality of what it is do not add up. The anger, I've discovered is actually founded in deep sadness and disappointment. In practice, the things stated were not how they were lived out.

Funny enough, the research I used to do involved this understanding at the core. I'd walk into an interview and ask someone to tell me how they did a particular task. Once they outlined it in detail, I'd ask them to show me how they did the same task. They always did it differently than the way they explained how they did it to me. I knew the person didn't intend to lie or mislead me. In fact, awareness would often wash over their faces as they realized they really didn't accomplish it the way they said they did. We all do this in our lives. The neat thing was, solutions would come to us as we understood the gaps between what was said and what was actually done. There was space for creativity and new paths to form as we looked into those gaps.

Right now, I MUST choose to look at the circumstances and people in my life this way. If I don't, I fear I will succumb to the anger and grow bitter. It's a daily tension I'm feeling right now. I want to forgive and move forward, but the pain of the things I've experienced continues to follow me around. At the end of the day, it feels easier to be angry than allow myself to feel the sadness. But, the truth is I'm so very, very sad. I'm sad this isn't what I thought it would be. I'm disappointed that clarity didn't come until an unplanned piece of a conversation occurred and all of the light bulbs went on for me. "OH. That is EXACTLY why I feel the way I feel here," I realized. Finally, the truth came out and I saw how I wasn't as crazy as I have imagined. The things others have spoken in were affirmed, as were my own thoughts on this experience. It felt great and it felt awful.

But, now I know. I can move forward into places I'd rather be and offer what I have to offer where it is wanted and genuinely needed. It's really freeing to know that now. And, I'm trying to look at it this way: it only took me two years to figure it out. I could have remained in this for much longer. That, in and of itself, is a gift. So here's to taking responsibility for my own life, being released and stewarding my gifts well. It's terrifying, but it's time.