Bring the Dead to Life

I don't know how not to believe, how not to hope that God is bigger. I don't know how to resign myself to outcomes spoken by humans whose wisdom, insight and ability are incomplete in the presence of a powerful, loving, relentlessly pursuing God. He is the One who spoke the Heavens and the Earth into existence. He is the One who breathed life into dust, bringing us life as He formed us in His image.

I don't know how not to believe Him as I watch and learn of things that are beyond my understanding and control. I don't want to resign myself to what people say is true or will be true. He is bigger. Shall we forget to knock, ask, wait, trust, believe? Shall we believe them instead of asking Him to give us a greater understanding of His willingness, His ability? Opening our hands in receptivity for different outcomes?

Do we look at the impossible and say, "Indeed, it's impossible." Or do we look at the impossible and say, "My God is the God OF the impossible"?

The outcomes are still in His hands. I simply don't want to stay His hand of provision because I didn't think to ask, press in, call forth dreams and realities that He has offered us this side of the Cross. And, to think, before the Cross He still accomplished the impossible. How much more now are we able to step into and believe Him for as His Spirit dwells INSIDE of those of us who are IN Christ?

Today, I choose belief. I choose faith. I choose to ask. I choose to knock. And knock. And knock. The persistent widow doesn't have anything on me in this process for those I love.

God, increase my faith. Help me to see what You are capable of and willing to do and accomplish. I choose to stand in the gap and see how You move mountains in the wake of the faith Your Spirit instills in me. I step in, I believe, I see You, Lord Jesus. I see You. Bring the dead to life.

Rejecting Rejection

My Daddy said He's proud
like I got all A's on my report-card proud
even when I see the B, or worse
the F or incomplete.

He says I've stayed tender
I've remained soft
Grace upon grace
Mercy upon mercy.

I think it's why the tears came
So much pain
Thousands of invitations extended
And, rejected.

The mirror reflected Rejection back to me
She took on my face
so closely associated, she and I,
I lost track of which one of us it was staring back from the wall
I couldn't tell the difference.

But I've kept going
Offering who I am to people
Longing for depth, desiring intimacy
My loyal, hopeful, persevering nature has felt like a curse.

He takes delight in it
Like He's been cheering me on to keep inviting
The thought amazes me
How could He?
He knew what it would bring.

He's seen it differently than I have.

He sees my strength
I see my weakness
He sees my trust
I see my naivety 
He sees me becoming who He made me to be
I wonder what's wrong with me.

And He's inviting me now
to see this story through His lenses
He's asking me to look in the mirror again
Seeing His reflection in mine
Separating me and the lie in finality
so I now witness the brightness and beauty of the truth
Rejecting Rejection because...
He was rejected on my behalf so I could be free.

***************************************

"He was despised and rejected—
    a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.
We turned our backs on him and looked the other way.
    He was despised, and we did not care."
Isaiah 53:3 

The Road Called Repentance

The past couple of weeks have dealt some crushing blows. Why have circumstances resulted in my feeling rejected again? I've been leaning into with Jesus with this question. But, I feel it deeply. It feels like a strong, significant blow. I've felt blindsided, angry, confused, hurt. Processing with someone today, we talked about my tendency to head for the hills when a shadow of possible rejection looms. If just a hint of it hits the air, I smell it. I see it coming. I know what's about to happen. I'm packing my bags. I've learned it well.

And the tears fall.

"I've learned it well."

Sometimes it feels like I know rejection better than I know Love. I've learned to self-protect while Love knocks at the door. But, how can I trust Love in the face of realities that have spoken the opposite into and over me time and time again? Love is on a hazardous road when it comes to winning me, it seems.

I've been reading the Book of Ruth lately. One verse has stood out to me each time I've encountered it. Naomi is speaking to Ruth who has just put herself "out there" with Boaz. Full of character, he doesn't take advantage of Ruth, but invites her to wait for him to do what is necessary to ensure a virtuous and redemptive outcome. I think it would have been really hard to be in Ruth's shoes... Is he trustworthy? Does he mean it? Does he really love me?

The stakes are high for Naomi in all of this, as well. Her future is on the line. Yet, hope seems to have found a way into her soul once again. She understands something more about the situation and wisely instructs Ruth, "Just be patient, my daughter, until we hear what happens. The man won't rest until he has settled things today." (3:18)

My process of healing in this area of my life has been long. I wonder what it will look like to step out from it and I pray for that day--I battle through the hardship, trusting the Lord for that future. And, I experience pieces of it today. I do so because I know Him... I understand something fresh about His heart for me... He won't rest until things are settled in the proper way, in the proper time. I'm grateful and I hurt.

I felt certain I would have left the country last Thursday. Too bad my passport is still expired. I thought about that today as I talked about running away and how intense the desire is when I see the writing of rejection on the wall. I cried again as I considered how I've learned that I'm something easily rejected, easily abandoned, easily released. I cried more when I realized I've bought into that lie over and over and over and over again. I've allowed myself to be dehumanized. I've allowed myself to be labeled: Rejected.

And as I felt a new level of sadness for the girl who didn't realize she bought into a lie along the way, the Lord reminded me that I was hungry and I called a favorite Thai spot (the best food in the world?). I cried on my way to pick up my take out and cried on my way to pick up my mail at the Post Office. And, well, I've been eating green curry while crying on and off since.

The road is long, but He is at the end of it, He's walking next to me on it, and He's in step behind me helping me to press on. My responsibility is to walk with Him in the truth. I think the road is called Repentance.

The Contemplative Life

Sadly, the contemplative life is not for everyone. Not because it isn't offered, but the invitation is ignored, or perhaps worse, missed.

Disembarking from the Disney Monorail last night, I remember feeling a bit sad. I love taking the boat back to the resort area at the end of the night, but with no vessel in sight, we opted for the train. The automatic doors opened as we neared them, wafting lovely music in our direction. Crossing the threshold, I couldn't help but slow my pace and then I began to stroll toward the edge of the balcony. Smiling, I leaned forward taking in the couches and people below, the chandeliers above and the band directly ahead. My attitude shifted and I suddenly felt as though I'd been ushered into a party--a party just for me. (No offense to my friends... Maybe the party was for them, too...) I felt delighted!

One friend suggested we drink in the loveliness from the floor below. I gladly followed her lead and found myself sitting (more like lounging) on a sofa marveling at the sounds and sights in the room all around me. I was transported to a delicious place--I felt seen by the Lord. He knew I would love this! And here I was, leisurely receiving His good gift to me.

I thought about it again today as I was reading in a beautiful garden. How often do we run ahead with life, forgetting to capture the treasured moments by staying present in them? How often do we miss the extended invitation for beauty, dependence and intimacy? One thing I'm seeing so clearly in my life right now is the way in which all of my disappointments have added up to a growing awareness of my desire. It is so painful. The longings at times, unquenchable. I'd rather ignore them than sit in them. It hurts too much. My preference would be to exterminate what feels bad even though it's pointing toward good paths of freedom ahead. Trouble is, I cannot see exactly where they lead and fear rises within me. I want to know and I want to be in control because otherwise, how can I be sure that I'll be okay?

Larry Crabb talks about this idea... He says (my summary) that to exterminate desire is the way of Buddha, not the way of Jesus. Jesus actually invites us to go deeply into the pain of desire and longing. His heart is to bring us joy that cannot be stolen from us, but we must live in reality that at our core, we desire Him. Squelching or deadening desire or longing keeps us from discovering the depths of our desire for God. I'm finding this picture he offers to be so true of my experience over the past four years. And, I'm thankful. I've never been so honest. I've never hurt so much. And, I have never felt more alive.

I'm learning to accept this invitation into a deeper faith. I'm learning to love God for who He is, not what I think He should be or what He needs to do for me. Jesus has so often been a means to an end for me. In this process, I'm finding that He is the end. All of these paths--of sorrow and gladness--lead to Him. In Him, and in Him alone, there is fullness of JOY and life ABUNDANT. I don't want to be a woman of shallow faith. I want to be a woman who lives from a place of abiding hope, peace and joy despite the pain I may encounter in disappointment and longing. I want to recognize these as gifts and invitations to love God more deeply and experience His desire for me more profoundly. So today, I pray again for the courage to sit in those places and accept His invitation into a deeper and more meaningful relationship. It's an incredible invitation...