Make a Cup of Coffee

Do you ever suffer from an internal low-grade pressure? The kind which seems to speak: "Do. Do something. Make something happen!" What happens when you don't know what to do or how to make the thing you're thinking of happen? I've been considering these questions today as I've felt the pressure rise inside again. The past ten days I've been wondering about next steps and how they happen. Plus, what about all of these people involved (and the many opinions that accompany many people)? I've lacked focus and I've felt restless.

I woke up Friday morning and in the quiet first moments of the day, sensed the Lord saying, "You could take the next few days off..." I've been wanting to schedule a few consecutive days of rest, but each time I consulted my calendar, the time appeared to be at least two weeks away. But, He was right... I had no commitments over the weekend personally, if I took Sunday off and completed a few things Friday morning to free up the rest of the day, I could have 3.5 days! So, I did it.

Friday evening a friend joined me for a low-key evening in, complete with dinner and a movie. Saturday I stayed home again. I watched another movie and a few episodes of a favorite TV show. I mowed the lawn. I ran an errand. I think I napped? Sunday, I decided to go out of town overnight and booked a hotel on the Gulf Coast. Minus the adventure I created for myself by forgetting my purse (including cash, cards and identification) at home, two hours from where I'd just driven, it was a refreshing weekend. Who said grown-ups don't need their parents? Mine laughed with me and generously wired me money so I could eat more than the two granola bars, plum and four baby carrots I had remaining in my snack stash. Thanks Mom and Dad! (Not to mention, thanks to the kind people at the hotel who allowed me to check in...) I took a walk on the beach, ate Cuban food, spent time with the Lord, ate ice cream, laid out the next morning... In all, it was grand.

So today I've been feeling the pressure again. It goes something like this... "Jessica, you need to get it together and make these things happen. You need to be more creative. You need to have a plan for where you're going and know how to get there... What are you going to tell people? Why would anyone follow you unless you have a comprehensive plan? You have to prove you're worth it to the team..." Once I acknowledged this voice in my head, I was able to recognize something... In the past few years, God has been teaching me a significant lesson and it goes like this: Be Still.  Everything this voice was saying was encouraging the opposite. In fact, I felt panic rise. I wondered how badly I was failing. I wondered how disposable I would become if I couldn't get it together to be brilliant and perfect. What lies.

The truth is, God wants me to give every part of who I am to Him. The sweetest seasons these past few years have come as I've sat with Him and waited. I've asked questions. I've listened (often as I read His Word He begins speaking things to me from there about direction and ideas...). I've moved when He has indicated it is the time to begin. And the cool thing? There's been good fruit. Some days I can't see it well, but it's okay. As I'm walking with Jesus, fully giving myself to Him and enjoying Him, He does things I can't picture at the starting line. He exceeds my expectations of what I thought possible -- always. I need to see this, too. I need to remember because the way He works is very different than the way the world invites me to work.

The hard part? He gets the credit. Of course, that's actually wonderful... But, my pride struggles with it at times. If I'm honest, I still see myself wanting to build my own kingdom. I still see myself wanting to be thought of in a way where others respect me, want me around, see me as a vital part of the team because of what I contribute. That's where this "prove your worth" mentality comes in. When I forget that what He asks of me is to give myself to Him -- not just what I do, but every aspect of who I am -- so He can move in and through me, I live under this invisible pressure. He is not the source of this pressure. The thing is, I don't have to live there. It's totally my choice.

So today, instead of sitting under it, I heard the Lord. I heard Him tell me He loves me. I heard Him say He knows the steps. I heard Him say He has the ideas. And, I heard Him invite me to make a cup of coffee. So, I did. And, it's grand. It's so good to remember that He is God. It's so good to remember that He'll give me what I need to do what He wants me to do. It's so good to remember that my role is to listen and obey. (Oh, and don't forget enjoy!! He's absolutely wonderful and worth spending time with, you know?)

My Heart Is Here: Two Years Later

Two years ago at this time I was hurting. A relational disappointment (to say it mildly) painted the landscape of life and work whisked me away to Colorado for the summer. I oversaw a design research process focused on recent grads and we hoped the information we compiled and analyzed would make a lasting impact on the organization. I spent days and days with the mountains as my backdrop again for the first time in a handful of years. The familiar environment which shaped me from my youngest of years brought great comfort as I poured myself into work and pressed in to healing. I lived life around the corner from some of my best friends -- that alone met a need I didn't know the depth of and provided a safe space to exhale and process all that had just taken place.

The Lord took me in to the cavern of an old grief -- a relationship which meant the most to me out of all those I'd had in my life. My sadness was profound. I couldn't understand why, after all of those years, I had to go back to that particular story. I thought I'd grieved it fully, but my tears literally showered me with fresh understanding... It still wasn't finished in my heart. The drops were the largest I'd seen fly from my eyes and they came regularly. Daily, my belly felt the weight of my sadness, my loss.

Every time it rained, it seemed God pointed my eyes to the rainbow which followed as if to say, "See... Remember... My promises are true." Jesus, a man of sorrows, acquainted with deep grief became my companion in the midst of my struggle to believe God at His word. I looked at those rainbows which frequently appeared in my path and wept time and again. How could He mean it? What was this pain I was walking through again? Why rehash it now when the thing was long-dead?

Our staff conference started and for the first time ever, I found myself completely secure to sit alone. I made my way in to the arena on my schedule and found a quiet place on the floor where I could be with Him. At times, I'd find a friend to sit with, but more than not I found tremendous solace in being 'by myself' (in a room of 6,000...). I felt like I had a lot of questions for the Lord two years ago, yet I sat quietly in the enormous space longing to simply sit with Him. I didn't really know how to ask what I felt I wanted to ask.

He gave me a piece of understanding one day about steps forward--He wanted me to offer what I'd been given over the years to my church family. Little did I know in that moment... He was preparing the way for me to leave this family I'd belonged to since college. I savored the conference though. I breathed it in. I took note of my surroundings. I rested as I realized how small I was in such a big organization. I felt challenged by how big my heart had grown during the long season of service. It seemed the size and capability of my heart surpassed the enormity of this family and the work we did. The Lord had matured me, I realized. He had more for me. But mostly, I just knew He wanted to be with me and I wanted to be with Him. It was a beginning I didn't even know I was starting.

Two years later, I watch as friends from Orlando were hired, giving excellence to the event to honor Him and serve the staff. I watch online, not from my perch on the floor any longer. I watch from 1,545 United Airline miles away. I watch from my home which has become more of a home than I ever imagined it could be... The home there feeling more like a distant cousin these days. I watch as I transition from an extremely painful season in my new adventure to a season of hope and, I believe, breakthrough. I watch and part of me misses it. I belonged to it and it to me. Now, I'm an onlooker, an observer. It feels really, really strange. But then, I imagine if I was part of it still. That, I cannot imagine. My heart isn't there any longer (though my appreciation and love for it is significant).

My heart is here. I am walking in the thing He has for me and there's a fathomless beauty in this place. There's space to create and grow and change the world in ways I have yet to imagine. He has become my Home. The life He has called me to live is a gift. Still, I miss the old piece of it today.  Perhaps these tears are for the loss of what I knew. There are so many unknowns here. So, so many. At times, it is the hardest challenge I face in the midst of days where I wonder what is best and how to respond and what is next on the horizon for these people and this place.

And tonight, I don't doubt the reality that I'm supposed to be here... I believe His promises in a way I didn't think I'd ever be able to again... And, I continue to wonder: How does this all turn out?

Good

Tonight my friends came over for dinner. The plan was to hang together and move forward on some things we learned at a conference together a few weeks back. The doorbell sounded (like fifteen times--he kept pressing the button) and I pranced down the stairs, greeting them with a smile through the glass doors between us.

Opening the door, I blocked the way in and said, "Well guys, I've decided that we must be good enough friends for me to wear my pajamas around you..." There I stood in my pj pants, a t-shirt and my hair up on top of my head. I looked wonderful. Promise. They smiled back and she said, "I brought my comfy clothes, too!!" Yes. Seriously, these are the types of friends I need in my life.

I just feel grateful tonight. Grateful I have friends to cook for, people I can walk alongside in a process where we grow deeper with Jesus and take steps in to the things He calls us to, friends to laugh with and people who share the real thoughts that run through our brains. After they left, I felt too awake to go to sleep. So, I snuggled up on the sofa and watched another episode of Burn Notice on Netflix and thought about what it'd be like to be a spy. Good stuff. Good night. Good life.

What Holds Me Back

I've been thinking a lot this week about what it takes to step into the things I really want in life--things I'm called to, dreams I've dreamed, hopes I've held on to over all of the years. Regarding the book and the writing specifically, I've been reminded how I simply have to try. Sometimes the lack of 'try' is the only thing truly holding me back.

I have to continue to take time for it, allow myself the freedom to be creative and explore the truth through actual stories in my life, but I can also invent... In fact, the short I posted here the other day was an early attempt at the latter. It has been a challenge to write what I've learned through my own stories at times. I think part of it has to do with the need to step back into those moments and places--it's tough. I've experienced so much healing over the years and the writing requires me to go back to the hard stuff in depth. Line by line I've been retelling those stories that have been the source of so much wounding and so much shaping. There's the beauty though--the shaping. I've learned a lot. Yet, it's taxing to revisit it all.

I guess I've wondered how I move through it so I can finish the work. The idea of this feels daunting most days. I feel weary of the stories. I've lived them over and over again already... At the end of the day, I want to see it come together. So, I choose to press in and move forward. I don't want to give up on the bigger picture of where all of this is taking me. Of course, I don't see clearly where that is exactly, but there's the hope of it. There's always hope.

I found it encouraging to try exploring what I've learned from another angle. It's not the direction of the book, certainly, but I realized something important... There are so many people I've known over the years that I've learned from. I could write dozens of books by simply offering what I've noticed about each--mix and match their traits... Characters and books galore!! I felt bolstered as I understood this. It gave me a little push beyond my box. I needed it.

So, here's to trying.