I Came to Leave It

Two days ago I watched as my belongings were loaded onto a truck heading southward. It's hard to believe that I'm closing this chapter on Boston. This is real. Before I know it, I'll be settled in that great new-to-me house and my things will be around me. On a level, that is comforting; it's a sweet thing to feel a sense of familiarity--even when it comes from a connection with inanimate objects. There is a lot of good in my life right now and I'm seeking to daily live with that in mind. Transitions are hard, but life moves on. The tears that welled in my eyes upon landing here Wednesday tell me that I'm still grieving. And, I'll get through this because the Lord has given me hope for the next season of my story.

I'm soaking up today, my last day for a while, in the Bean. Looking back, I don't think I knew that I could ever love it so and I hope to feel that way about Orlando sooner than later. Goodbye, Boston.

God's Kindness via My Ministry Blog: Enjoy!

Thought I'd share a story I posted on my ministry blog about how God is moving in my life here in Orlando... Providing in a way I never expected.

God's Kindness

Summer Vacation, Who Knew?

It's official... My life is changing...

Tomorrow I'm heading out to celebrate two friends in the days leading up to their wedding and the start of their life-journey. I love it. I'm praying for them--after all, what an endeavor! Faith, faith, faith. I'm proud of them for the way they've walked through their engagement, persevered in seeking to understand the other even when the differences are pronounced and the way they have loved the Lord and each other in the process. He's been leading them sweetly in the same direction.

I also get to see my cousin and her family and spend two days with one of my favorite college friends and her family. How good of the Lord to give me some time to refuel in the midst of my crazy. Yep, let's leave it at that... Crazy. Blessed, blessed, blessed.

How is my life changing? Well first, I'm actually taking vacation days which is rare for me. Typically I intermingle work in there. Second, I'm traveling sans laptop. I must say, this is the challenging aspect. The thought makes me feel free (one obvious plus: won't have to pull it out at airport security!) and strangely weighed down (what will I do with my incredibly long stopover on the way home?).

I'm planning to read a book. Or two, perhaps.

Vacation. Wow. Excited.

I Will Exalt You

I will exalt You
I will exalt You
I will exalt You
You are my God

My hiding place
My safe refuge
My treasure, Lord, You are
My friend and King
Anointed One
Most holy

Because You're with me
Because You're with me
Because You're with me
I will not fear

(Hillsong Church)

2 Days After My Last Post

Last night around midnight found me tossing and turning. I was feeling the stress that I so often internalize (gift!), but let's just say that it was not fun--perhaps that's why I've learned to internalize it? But, I digress. Actually, an increasing sense of panic began to spread over me regarding my recent decision to officially move to Florida. I imagined ways of escape:

I could hop a plane and be anywhere but here this weekend,
I could leave my job and start something new, but somewhere where I was known,
I could live by myself and not deal with the anxiety I'm feeling of managing the expectations of three people,
I could sell all of my belongings currently residing in storage in the Northeast and rebuild my home life somehow,
I could...

In all honesty, I didn't like most or any of these suggestions I offered to my panicky self. Ultimately, I realized they wouldn't solve my problem. I wanted to go home. Which, I promptly told the Lord a number of times. And, then I cried as I realized I still don't quite know where that is. Don't get me wrong, I know home is with Him. I'm so grateful that this is true. Yet, me, in this place of transition isn't feeling that at the moment. I'm starting over and it's settling in... deeply.

So today, I made it into the office (did I mention I've been by myself all week, suffering from a virus that has encouraged me to sleep 15-16 hours a day?). I saw real people, whom I spoke with about things. That was good. I felt myself slowly backing away from the ledge, but the tears were immediately below the surface and welled to the brim several times throughout the day.

And tonight, one of my best friends from college called. We caught up for a while and I chatted with her precious little girl on speaker phone. I was grinning from ear-to-ear. She was telling me about making lemonade today (I think it was make-believe) and what she had for dinner (chicken tetrazini--big words for such a little person!). I loved how she said my name in her goodbye--how is it that little kids can make you feel like a huge celebrity simply by saying your name?? I love it!

Back to the point... My friend asked how I was doing and I spilled about this week and how I'm feeling about the change. She reminded me that I am known; in fact, that I have friends all over the country who care about me and this little life of mine (my words, not hers : ) ). It reminded me of that Mosaic... Didn't I say I needed to keep that in mind just a couple of days ago? My life might be fragmented, but it's a good life and there are actual people (living and breathing!) who share in it with me. Good, bad and mundane.

The point of these words? I needed the reminder. I might need more, so forgive me if I drone on about this for another few posts or another couple of months. This too shall pass.

Fragmentation

Independence Day found me atop a parking garage in Orlando with others from my church community celebrating the holiday and discussing freedom. It was a great evening connecting with new people and enjoying the city (food to my soul!). At one point, I had a conversation in which I described my life as 'fragmented' and I've been thinking about it ever since. Here goes my verbal process:

Fragmented, Fragmenting, Fragments (www.thefreedictionary.com)
To break or separate (something) into fragments
To become broken into fragments

Sometimes, it feels like both; either my life is being broken into fragments or I'm becoming broken into fragments. When I moved east, as I've said here before, I wasn't logically nor emotionally aware of the consequences of my decision. I stepped out in faith, knew I was following the Lord and went for it. This time around, my perspective has changed. No longer sweetly naive to the realities of change, I am constantly aware of my choice. It's the right decision and I'm really encouraged as I see God at work, please don't misunderstand me; though, I do feel differently this time.

As I explained that night to the kind person with the listening ear, I'm starting over and my life feels like it's in three places now. Part of me is still in Colorado, most of me is in Boston and the rest has wandered down to Central Florida. DEAR friends live in each place while others reside in a variety of distant locations beyond the three, I'm finding it a challenge to keep up with my own life. How do we do it??

Fully aware that I'm not the only person living this sort of life, I'm struck by how crazy it is that we're all so interconnected and distant at once. (By the way, I know what I'm about to say has been said much more eloquently by others before me...) There's no use pointing fingers of blame at technology which made life this complicated because it also makes it this sweet. Goodbyes are no longer for good. We have the ability to hop planes, see each other online (literally and figuratively), text, call, send pictures via our phones and more. It's AMAZING. Can you believe we get to live in a time like this?

The ramifications, however, are real. Yes, I, the achiever, feel strongly that I should be able to do it all--stay connected to every person I've ever known and have yet to meet--but the more places I visit, the more I know the stories of the people I meet there, the less able I am to do it well. Perhaps this is the greatest hardship of the new move... Knowing that I'm further away from staying connected the way I desired to be at this time last year.

Another side to the issue? I now have the choice and ability to let new people into my life. This is a beautiful thing and I really do want that, but starting from, "Once upon a time there was a girl from Colorado..." feels so draining. Maybe I don't need to start there (I am an extrovert who does have a lot of words...), but, "Hi, I'm Jessica" can steal my energy just as fast as it's typically followed by, "What do you do? Where do you live? How long have you been here?" Bottom line? I just want to be known--sooner rather than later. Yet, it requires effort and it requires time.

So, here's a perspective the Lord gave me today regarding my fragmented life--the one I will carry with me when the waves of uncertainty rise in moments where I feel so out of place--again, not a new idea: A Mosaic. All of these fragments, the pieces from various places and people in my life are beautifully melded together creating a picture I cannot see this side of Heaven; but prayerfully, a picture that brings glory to God who has led me so faithfully along this path, provided so lavishly for this daughter who loves Him and would go anywhere because I know He is good, and simply sits at His feet wondering at His ability to make the pieces add up to something whole.

Seriously Unscheduled

A few minutes ago I pulled up my trusty online calendar and began inserting details for the coming weeks. At times, I'm the type of person who feels discouraged looking at what is ahead because it all seems to transpire too quickly. I experience powerlessness in its passing. It is not that I want to save my life; rather, I want to savor life and have lacked the skills required to engage in my longing to reestablish a whole-life. Thankfully, this year has changed that immensely.

What I noticed as I glanced through each of the remaining months of 2010 was a supreme lack of detail marking out my days and weeks. While I have a feeling this state of being will not last long, I gaped at those empty squares dedicated to unfilled days, feeling a rush of fascination and fear. I do not remember a time in the past six years where there was so much emptiness, openness, or opportunity (I'm still undecided on which to choose) in my schedule.

I'm wondering tonight how these moments of life will transpire. What does God have in store? Who are the people with whom I will spend them? How can I choose to engage and invest in a way I've never imagined?

Exciting, right?

The Ants Go Marching One by One--No Hurrah Here

There are ants all over the townhouse I'm staying at for the first part of my summer. I discovered them the other day when a few of them determined to bite my ankle. So, I did what any new resident without proper resources would do: I sprayed some kitchen cleaner on the ones I could see and called it good for the night. I couldn't get over how small and seemingly harmless they appeared; I now beg to differ. 

Sadly, this didn't solve the issue as I awoke the next morning and sleepily, not to mention contact-and-glasses-free, made my way into the kitchen to make coffee. They'd thrown a party in the middle of the floor--thank the Lord I actually saw them! Probably 75-100 new little friends blocked my way from sink to counter. This sent me into a cleaning frenzy and I quickly vacuumed them up (more humane?) and proceeded to do the same to all of the tile floors to ensure no crumb was left to be discovered by any of their relatives.

Have I mentioned that I'm in the middle of a huge transition? Exhausted? Wondering how my new full-time life here in Florida is going to turn out especially as most of my friends are not here at present? Living out of boxes and suitcases?

Later that day, more ants. This time upstairs in the master bath. You'd think I'd head directly to the store and buy the Ortho, but no, I kept doing it 'my way' (mostly because I couldn't find the energy to deal). Big surprise: it hasn't worked. Regardless of how many ants I squash, spray with one version of household cleaner or another and even yes, in my weak moments, curse them, they've determined to stay put. In fact, late this afternoon, I was hastily getting ready for my small group and happened to notice bunches (!!!) of them in the master bedroom on the carpet and on the nightstand. Needless to say, I was late.

So tonight, I popped into Publix in Thorton Park after my small group ended. Knowing that even a small taste of the city would give my spirit some lift, I enjoyed the fleeting minutes I spent searching for the right tools to take care of my new roommates. Then, I headed far away from the city toward my home of the next weeks and yep, I cried.

Do you ever feel like the last straw has been pulled for you and you're totally out of control? This would be me at the moment.

Thankfully, I came home to a friend who listened to me rant about the day for a few minutes before I began spraying Ortho like a lunatic and strategically setting up ant traps. It was extremely cathartic. The point? Well, I'm still trying to figure that out, but somehow I think it has something to do with what I do when I reach the end of myself. Not that there's a lesson to be had in everything, but these ants have been a great reminder that I'm in need of mercy and grace as I move through this transition. They're sort-of representative of the chaos that exists inside me and how it keeps showing up in new and unexpected places. Though it's annoying and frustrating I guess I'm trying to make the best of it, doing what I can as I'm able. 

Generosity: Not for the Stingy of Heart

What would be generous?

Four simple words mobbed with meaning. It's a question I've begun asking myself recently and I'm finding it to be quite the challenge. Last week my roommates and I were packing up our apartment; I noticed that things were moving slowly. There came a moment when it hit me that we'd never be out on time unless I picked up my pace in order to be available to clean once my belongings were safely stowed. So, I did.

The next day, I finished and cleaned my room then turned my attention to the common spaces. I was in the middle of clearing and wiping out our kitchen cabinets when a wave of bitterness began to rise. Thoughts like, "I knew this would happen," and "They don't even care that I am stepping in to do more,"  raced through my mind. Standing over the kitchen sink, I allowed my rantings to continue and quietly, I heard Him... "You don't have to do all of this, you're choosing to..."

I stopped in my tracks as the warm water washed over my hands... Heart surgery. I argued that I did need to do this - we'd never be done on time. I was thinking of the people responsible for checking on our apartment to ensure it was left as required. They already had so much on their plates without our lack of care or concern about their work to get everyone out on time. I didn't want to take advantage.

Next I began to think about the way I communicate a high value on generosity in all aspects of my life. Wouldn't it be generous to clean our apartment to bless my roommates? That would certainly show kindness and love as they only had a few hours left to move their belongings. Was it really so hard for me to clean? After all, I love to clean! (Really, I am that person.)

God, in His goodness, also reminded me in those moments that being generous outwardly did not change the reality of what He saw and experienced in my heart. Oh, stingy, stingy heart. He, as He always is, was right. Generosity doesn't depend upon my outward deeds, but pours out through a heart that is in right relationship with Him.

Relationship. Yes, that's what this is all about, isn't it?

Not only were my relationships with my roommates (as an aside: roommates whom I completely adore!) affected by what was taking place in my inner life, but also my relationship with God. The One who spared nothing, including His Son, that I might be free and have life!! SUCH generosity! Who was I to withhold this very minuscule act of generosity through a growing inward bitterness?

Both roommates later told me how grateful they were for the extra work I did to get us out of that apartment. The sweetness of their gratitude fell heavy upon my heart as I considered what had taken place between the Lord and I. It has been another good picture of the need I have for the Gospel and the mercy of God.

What does it mean to walk in generosity in my finances, work, service, relationships, with my belongings, time, gifts and beyond? 

May I have a growing awareness that God has given me everything and I now have the opportunity to employ my freedom as a blessing to others. Inwardly, I choose to give it all away. Outwardly, I do. 

How can I live out His generosity today?

Beyond Stint

Sitting in my half-empty room today, I'm thinking about transitions. My life has been full of them this year. Stint is officially over, the safety net gone, the apartment will be a distant memory beginning tomorrow and then what? I suppose I'll begin the process of actually adjusting to my new life. Well, maybe Saturday.

Like the Orlando nights filled with thick humidity-fog (I've never actually heard it called that, but I think I'll use it), I peer beyond the darkness and find the Lord opening new doors of promise up ahead. I'm waiting in anticipation and yet, I'm still very tired. I imagine the weariness will follow me around for a while longer to remind me that it is good to live at rest, walk at rest, work at rest. So Jesus, I am resting, resting...

Something I don't wish to pack away in any of these boxes is the brightness of my time with Him this year. I didn't want to forget from whence I came; today, I've turned my attention to remembering Him. Pray that I faithfully trust Him, look to Him, depend upon Him, long for Him and love Him. He is nearer, dearer and sweeter...

The Post to Help Me Remember Matthew 11:28-30

Lake Hart Stint 11 ends in a couple of weeks. This reality is exhilarating and simultaneously disconcerting. There has been a safety net beneath me for nearly ten months as I have processed my life openly before God and a few close friends. The process has been painful and sweet, yet an enormous amount of grace has been shown to me. Looking back on these months, friends tell me that they experience me differently... in a good way. I cannot feel anything but gratitude to the Lord for bringing me to the other side of what I've just been through. Deep places of need have surfaced and He tells me to rest as today I wonder: Will the changes remain?

In light of that, I felt that I needed to publish a poem here to remind myself that I do not want to return from whence I came. Regardless of who reads this blog, I find that putting this out there publicly serves as a help to continue to trust God with next growth steps. Interestingly enough, I wrote this on September 30, 2008. I think it was one of the catalysts for me to begin to see what was really going on inside. At that time, I could not have imagined how God would meet me, but He has in ways that have been profound and significant. He is truly good.

And, you can ask me how I'm doing if you want... I'm open to people coming alongside me as I step into my new role and season of life with the Lord and others here in Orlando: resting, listening, receiving, responding and giving.

Losing Sight

Running, I'm running
Running my course
A treadmill unending, lacking refuge

One day I realize
I'm sick of my game
Losing capacity; my sense:
'All is in vain'

Wondering:
What's next?...
How can I get off?...
-Of this traveling treadmill-
When is my stop?

I've sought their approval
I've established my name
I'm weary, so tired
it is such a shame
Motivation is gone
Lights' drained from my eyes
Can anyone sense I'm dying inside?

Running, I'm running
Running my course...
I've completely lost sight of my life-giving Source.

An Unexpectedly Wonderful Day

Saturday.

Noon. Found my way out of the house; packed my writing notebook, Message version Bible, Journal, and book my Sphere is reading this summer...

1:30PMish. After driving through some sketchy parts of the city, praying for God to bring His Kingdom and restore the broken (what sweet time!), I landed at Infusion Tea in College Park for a bit.

Ran into Brenda from my department, met her friend, Jan and then found a window seat at a high top table to spend some quiet time.

I wrote about some broken places in my life and reflected on how I have experienced growth, even when it doesn't appear that way. A dear friend, Megan and I caught up via phone and prayed before hanging up. She encouraged me immensely. Read two chapters in my Sphere book, The Furious Longing of God, by Brennan Manning. It make me think and smile.

3:45 PM. Off to another adventure. A new friend highly recommended a photography exhibit downtown... SNAP, so I decided to go.

4:05 PM. Parked and meandered toward the gallery I visited last weekend to better understand the lay of the land. Happened upon a wine/food festival there. Popped into the gallery, asked some questions, discovered the main event didn't occur until 7 PM (Hummm... 3 hours to kill?) and took some time to look at the pieces they had in their possession.

Was challenged by the story one photographer told about a mobile home park here in Florida. The residents chose to live there and LOVED it. Their perspective on beauty had so much more to do with people than with things. I admired them and soaked in the images.

And, I looked to my left, and there was Jenn from Status. She and a friend popped into the gallery while waiting to meet others who were attending the festival outside.

We chatted briefly and then they left; I continued my tour. I found myself in the front of the gallery talking with Donna, a painter who volunteered there. We talked about the importance of our humanity and what we can learn from people like those in the mobile home park.

She kindly offered me a free pass to the wine/food festival outside! And, we said our goodbyes and I went on my way.

5:30 PM. I took in the crowds of people and wandered through the booths. Sipped some vino, ate tiny food and felt hot under the late afternoon sun. In one line, I met Tommy who gave me a hard time about being at the festival on my own. A psychotherapist in town who oversees the hospital wards, he shared briefly of the depth of pain that kids that he and his staff encounter experience in life. It reminded me to be grateful.

He introduced me to his friends, Ian and Tim. We chatted for a few minutes and they asked what I was up to -- I told them I was passing the time until the exhibit opened at 7 PM and how I had happened upon the festival. They couldn't believe I got in for free. I told them I must have a way with people. ;)

We said our goodbyes with the hope that perhaps we'd reconnect later --potentially at the exhibit--he sweetly kissed my cheek and I wished them a great afternoon.

5:45 PM. A bit more navigation required, I finally found a local coffee shop where some local musicians were setting up to play. I sat at a bar of sorts with my iced peppermint mocha (delightful!!), pulled out my journal and thought I'd spend some time processing on paper the thoughts swirling in my mind from the last 36 hours.

I wrote for quite a while and decided to go back and remember... The entries varied and I saw how I longed to connect with God and be changed by Him. The hardest to read? October 20, 2009. That was the day I felt "done" with Him and laid it all out there. I was in so much pain... The redeeming thing about October 20, 2009, however, was that my relationship with God was forever altered -- in a good way. Had this day never occurred, I would not be who I am and where I am now.

7:05 PM. A guy named Shaun sat down by me at the counter. He asked what I was doing and I told him I was remembering. He asked if I was a writer. I actually said "Yes." (Who knew it was in me to begin to admit it to perfect strangers!) He asked some personal questions about the writing and I was able to answer. I wasn't sure what he was going after, so I cautiously went along. I told him about God and how that's my foundation. He and his sister, Megan (a college student in S. FL who was visiting her big brother for the weekend) were participating in the festival and he asked what I was up to. I told him I was heading to a photography exhibit and he said, "Why don't we all go together?"

And so we did. Trust me, I was being safe, but I can imagine this might sound unsafe.

So we went. Taking in the different perspectives, we discussed what they meant and honestly, after a while, the vibe I was getting from him made me determine that I needed to head out sooner than later.

I enjoyed interacting with Seth who showed us a new technology that projects images, film and the like from a device the size of an iPhone... Pretty cool stuff. And, just a few other people that I didn't officially meet, but interacted with throughout the exhibit space.

I was able to move along on my own after expressing that I needed to get going to meet up with some friends back home. And, in the process, found my way up the stairs to the last part of the exhibit. Probably one of my favorite rooms.

9:20 PM. At the end of the day and on my drive home, I understood what a unique and special day the Lord had given me. I met so many people throughout its course - some known, some unknown - and was able to share about the Kingdom in small ways. What an encouraging time and what a beautiful way to spend a day.

The Last Will Be First

I came across an online photo today of a woman lying in a bed, her small body had nothing to it. Standing over this frail one, was another woman, very healthy in appearance, reaching out her hand to touch her. As I sat with the image for a minute, the thought that permeated my mind was this: that woman should go before me in the Kingdom.

Jesus' words hit me like a ton of bricks, "But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first." ( Speaking about the Kingdom in Matthew 19:30.) How often do I desire to be 'first' in life? As an American, it is often my expectation, not simply a privilege or blessing. When I approach life and people this way, I am wrong. And, it takes a moment of introspection to see it most clearly.

Compared with the myriad of sufferers in the world (...not seeking to invalidate my own suffering, yet desiring God to enlarge my perspective), my suffering is minimal. There is so much pain in the world. The reality that some believers (notwithstanding, the unbelievers around the globe) don't have clean water, proper nourishment, shelter, medicine, religious freedoms and more, humbles me in a way I cannot properly express.

Today, I feel grateful that God will honor others ahead of me. It is appropriate and loving.

Perceiving the Potluck: An Invitation

Tonight at Status we had an ol' fashioned Potluck. After finishing up my paintings earlier in the afternoon, I spent the next few hours wrestling over the decision to go or not. Here's the thing: I've been out of town (and honestly, out of sorts this year on the Stint) and made a commitment to myself following my last trip to be present at Status (the community of believers I'm engaging with here in Orlando). However, the friend I typically attend with was not able to go tonight.

So all afternoon I wrestled. I knew the Lord wanted me to go and I found myself wondering if it would be okay to outright disobey and head out with some friends who had other ideas for the evening. In the midst of this, I texted two others... Not going. Even though I enjoy people, it felt pretty intimidating to go by myself since we'd be having this Potluck and certainly sitting around tables with strangers or something of the sort. Every insecure place inside me rose to the occasion and I reasoned, "Well, the Lord loves me and will forgive me if I don't listen..." Right?

It's true, He would do that, but I would MISS out on something He had for me.

Long story, still long? I went. By God's mercy (truly, that's absolutely it!), another friend agreed to go with me to be my wing-woman. I told the Lord that He didn't have to provide in that way, but I was so grateful that He did. He's so stinkin' kind to me.

On my way there, I dropped into a store to grab something I might contribute. I found some crackers, meat and cheese, hopped in the car making it there early. (Can't remember the last time that happened now that I think of it.) And, yep, I was so glad that I listened to the Lord. Everything from the table-time to the message was so poignant and timely. Cole is continuing a series called Awaken the Dawn and continued sharing about spiritual maturity tonight utilizing the metaphor: Buffet v. Potluck. It was so encouraging and challenging.

The bottom line of what he talked about was that we want to live a Potluck lifestyle when it comes to our spiritual growth and maturity...

1. The table is empty: we approach with something to offer (note to self: let the Lord shower grace upon you when you find yourself apologizing for what you have to offer... like you did tonight with what you brought for the Potluck. Sad, but true in my life - this spoke volumes!)
2. Many people can contribute to a potluck--actually its SO much better with many than with a few.
3. A potluck is full of flavor; people bring part of who they are to the equation, it's diverse and delicious.
4. Potlucks are risky (as a Germaphobe, I LOVED this point :) ); you don't know what you're going to get, so you step out on a limb--we're able to risk because we're surrounded by people who love us.
5. A call to generosity; if we didn't give of ourselves, the table would be empty.
6. We participate and therefore, we grow! We don't simply approach and consume, but we are empowered to contribute.

Another positive? Ask my family, they'll affirm this... I hate buffets!! ; )

On a more serious note, as we looked at many passages in Scripture throughout the evening, I was reminded how high a value God places on our growth and maturity. For me, the Lord continues to affirm His desire that I step from fear to faith in several big areas of my life, trusting Him because He loves me. The post from earlier today gives a glimpse of some of those fears. I hear the Lord inviting me to join Him in a sweeter place -- a place of freedom -- and I really want to follow Him as He leads me there.

In the Face of Fear

Artists I know understand something about the process. The initial inspiration leads them to action and by some means unknown to me, most would say that the product is not what they originally envisioned, but better. Though I try to internalize the greatness of how it seems to work, I struggle with the reality.

If you know me, you know that I thrive on the messy and love to solve problems with excellence. A perfectionist and yes, Type A (me in a box!), I have a tendency to procrastinate until I know I can do something well. As a result, the creative process can feel like torture to me. I love the idea of expressing myself, engaging with the Lord and experiencing His truth as I write, draw or paint; yet, all of these forms of artistry take a toll because I can't know how it will turn out in the end. And, if I'm honest, I don't know how open I am to feeling this 'seen'. I am afraid.

As I type, I'm also reminded of how this comparison relates to people--you cannot control them, you must listen and temper your expectations of what's coming next. Uncertainty is the only certainty you're guaranteed. Intimacy comes when you are vulnerable and let them close enough to see the cracks and they do the same. This, too, is scary.

Today I sat down and actually completed two smallish paintings. Shockingly, I found myself reveling in the process throughout the whole of the morning! I smiled and teared up as I realized it mid-stroke. And, who knows if they're even any good--though, it really doesn't matter... I like them.

It feels brave.