My Choice: Woe or Thank?

A few days ago I realized a need in my life: attitude adjustment! I'm just processing some heavier things right now and I realized (in the midst of a virus that kept me on the sofa and asleep in my bed for five days) that I was on a 'woe-is-me' spiral headed DOWNWARD. For such a positive person, I have issues. :) Honestly, I think it's easy at times to let circumstances rule my emotions and perspective. I read something that very evening that reminded me about gratitude. And, before bed, I felt *compelled* (quite literally) to jump out of bed, grab my journal and write 10 things I was thankful for that night.

I did it and found release in the action. I felt like I moved above those things concerning me (not to say that they didn't slip back into my consciousness the moment my head hit the pillow) and had something new to detour my brain towards in my considerations. And, I even thanked God for a couple things for which I don't feel very thankful right now.

Last night, I did it again. I think I'm going to turn this into a practice for the next month or so--feel free to check with me if you want. I'm excited to see how God will use this time to shape my heart toward relationship with Him. I think it'll be sweet... That's just a guess, but I hope...

Waiting (Well!)

"She was not accustomed in these days to meet troubles, small or great, with the small stock of strength her mind or body could afford. She had acquired, by long habit, the power of putting them from her until she could take them into the presence of her Lord, and there, in secret, commune with Him of all that was in her heart."

--Sarah W. Stephen 

(As published in Joy & Strength, 1993, Tileston, Mary W.)

I've recently grown weary in waiting. There are several thieves I've allowed in my life these past few months. They have stolen two important assets: my joy and my energy. I'm beginning to remember that sometimes I have to fight for my own heart when others are incapable of seeing what's happening in my stomach. When I reach the place where I feel the familiar sickness and ache in the depths of my insides, I know something is terribly amiss. I'm thankful for the knowledge. There are things to release and others of which I need to grab hold.

Waiting is never easy. Placing your trust in others equally challenging. Life, however, requires that I do both and I see this as a good reality. Though, knowing when to take action while waiting well and allowing appropriate trust is tricky. In my personal and work lives, I'm still a novice. I'm taking new ground as I grow, yet it has yet to 'feel' comfortable, safe or fun. I'd like the process to feel like this because I'd be more at ease. That said, I'm learning peace in it. (He, after all, is our Peace!)

The quote above is my hope for myself as I walk through the waiting. May I take everything to Him--commune!--finding rest in my Source and setting my body and mind (let's also add emotions) on a course toward purposeful change. Thank God that He is committed to transformation in my life.

Coco Said It... I Like It...

My friend, Joanna recently sent this quote to me. I want to remember it forever. I think Coco and I could have been good friends. :)

“I don't understand how a woman can leave the house without fixing herself up a little - if only out of politeness. And then, you never know, maybe that's the day she has a date with destiny. And it's best to be as pretty as possible for destiny.” 

--Coco Chanel--

Taking It Easy

I'm at home taking it easy again after being rear-ended on the way home from work the other day. All things considered, I'm so grateful that the accident wasn't worse--my car and I will both recover soon. That said, I'm surprised by the level of discomfort I'm feeling in my back and neck. Today, I just feel like I cannot do much which is a rarity for me. I've been in a similar type of accident before, but these injuries feel different. After dealing with two insurance companies (both were great!), I was cleared to see my faithful chiropractor... Looks like I'm going to be seeing quite a bit of him, actually.

One thing that struck me the night of the accident was that I had no idea at the start of the day, or even on my commute home, that this event would transpire. The reality of my true lack of control creeps up at times like these. I am grateful that I know God and that I can depend upon his 'knowing' in every aspect of my life. He wasn't startled by the accident. I came home to an empty house that night and thankfully, had plans with a couple friends for dinner. Both guys were super kind and made the evening end on a much higher note. It was also perfect that we met across the street from my house, so no further driving was involved. : )

In the midst of it, I'm giving myself permission to be low-key and recover. I must say, it's a little challenging for me when I feel like there is a lot to do (and there is); but then again, life is short and it is okay to take a deep breath and realize that the best thing I can do for the Lord today is listen to the body he's given me and honor the need to heal. I've even given myself permission not to respond to email. All in all, a good day.

If you are someone who prays, I'd love prayers for my back and neck. I hope to feel well again soon.

Highlights from Home

Ten months marked my longest absence from home... Ever. There is something strange about being away for so long. In part, I think I miss aspects of myself that come alive there, but it's a paradox of sorts as I know I'm living the life I'm supposed to be in at the moment, just elsewhere. In fact, I'm experiencing life profoundly these days--to no credit of my own, but all to the adoration of God who is so very, very good. Here were some highlights...

• Driving with the Rockies as the backdrop wherever I found myself.
• Experiencing Fall ... the Aspen leaves shining brilliant gold put at bay my insatiable appetite for the seasons.
• Seeing old friends; meeting new ones. So blessed to hear and know their stories...
• The golden-years friends I smiled at during a buffet lunch out with grandma and great auntie. Their warm smiles and bright-eyed responses were a precious gift. The simple desire to be seen... Wow.
• Picking lush (and organic!) tomatoes from the garden my parents planted this year. Pictured above.
• Grabbing Vietnamese food with a dear friend.
• Holding my grandmother's hands in my own and praying over her.
• The incredible night sky seen from 10-acres with no streetlights... I'm astounded each and every time.
• The crisp, dry Colorado air.
• Witnessing the consistent deepening of my parents faith reminded me to be grateful for the place from which I came. Inspiring.
• Spruce Confections with Em & kiddos. Ruby Scone, Belgium Chocolate Mocha. Need I say more?

Chez JAL

My friend laughed at the party description I listed in our Evite... September 25th through September 26th. Well, here I am at close to 2:30 AM on the 26th smiling at the loveliness that was our "Housewarming Shindig." We really meant it when we said come whenever! Our last guest left a mere 30 minutes ago and I'm nestled on my sofa enjoying the quiet and the memories while the dishwasher is hard at work in the background.

Many ideas spring to mind when I think of the question, "What makes a house a home?" Tonight, well actually, early this morning, I'm well-reminded that beyond the furniture, the pictures hanging on the wall, and that newly painted bedroom, people make a house a home. And, I feel more at home in this moment than I have in a month. Honestly, I feel loved. The friends that were able to come tonight made my life in this new city feel sweeter, more significant and seen. I loved how handfuls of them celebrated this amazing place of provision with us.

A favorite aspect of the party was the way several friends invited others into it with us--from Starbucks around the corner, the restaurant across the street, to their own housemates. It was awesome to say, "Welcome, make yourself at home," to people I've never laid eyes on before tonight. This is the kind of home I want to have throughout my lifetime...

I savored every second.

I Came to Leave It

Two days ago I watched as my belongings were loaded onto a truck heading southward. It's hard to believe that I'm closing this chapter on Boston. This is real. Before I know it, I'll be settled in that great new-to-me house and my things will be around me. On a level, that is comforting; it's a sweet thing to feel a sense of familiarity--even when it comes from a connection with inanimate objects. There is a lot of good in my life right now and I'm seeking to daily live with that in mind. Transitions are hard, but life moves on. The tears that welled in my eyes upon landing here Wednesday tell me that I'm still grieving. And, I'll get through this because the Lord has given me hope for the next season of my story.

I'm soaking up today, my last day for a while, in the Bean. Looking back, I don't think I knew that I could ever love it so and I hope to feel that way about Orlando sooner than later. Goodbye, Boston.

God's Kindness via My Ministry Blog: Enjoy!

Thought I'd share a story I posted on my ministry blog about how God is moving in my life here in Orlando... Providing in a way I never expected.

God's Kindness

Summer Vacation, Who Knew?

It's official... My life is changing...

Tomorrow I'm heading out to celebrate two friends in the days leading up to their wedding and the start of their life-journey. I love it. I'm praying for them--after all, what an endeavor! Faith, faith, faith. I'm proud of them for the way they've walked through their engagement, persevered in seeking to understand the other even when the differences are pronounced and the way they have loved the Lord and each other in the process. He's been leading them sweetly in the same direction.

I also get to see my cousin and her family and spend two days with one of my favorite college friends and her family. How good of the Lord to give me some time to refuel in the midst of my crazy. Yep, let's leave it at that... Crazy. Blessed, blessed, blessed.

How is my life changing? Well first, I'm actually taking vacation days which is rare for me. Typically I intermingle work in there. Second, I'm traveling sans laptop. I must say, this is the challenging aspect. The thought makes me feel free (one obvious plus: won't have to pull it out at airport security!) and strangely weighed down (what will I do with my incredibly long stopover on the way home?).

I'm planning to read a book. Or two, perhaps.

Vacation. Wow. Excited.

I Will Exalt You

I will exalt You
I will exalt You
I will exalt You
You are my God

My hiding place
My safe refuge
My treasure, Lord, You are
My friend and King
Anointed One
Most holy

Because You're with me
Because You're with me
Because You're with me
I will not fear

(Hillsong Church)

2 Days After My Last Post

Last night around midnight found me tossing and turning. I was feeling the stress that I so often internalize (gift!), but let's just say that it was not fun--perhaps that's why I've learned to internalize it? But, I digress. Actually, an increasing sense of panic began to spread over me regarding my recent decision to officially move to Florida. I imagined ways of escape:

I could hop a plane and be anywhere but here this weekend,
I could leave my job and start something new, but somewhere where I was known,
I could live by myself and not deal with the anxiety I'm feeling of managing the expectations of three people,
I could sell all of my belongings currently residing in storage in the Northeast and rebuild my home life somehow,
I could...

In all honesty, I didn't like most or any of these suggestions I offered to my panicky self. Ultimately, I realized they wouldn't solve my problem. I wanted to go home. Which, I promptly told the Lord a number of times. And, then I cried as I realized I still don't quite know where that is. Don't get me wrong, I know home is with Him. I'm so grateful that this is true. Yet, me, in this place of transition isn't feeling that at the moment. I'm starting over and it's settling in... deeply.

So today, I made it into the office (did I mention I've been by myself all week, suffering from a virus that has encouraged me to sleep 15-16 hours a day?). I saw real people, whom I spoke with about things. That was good. I felt myself slowly backing away from the ledge, but the tears were immediately below the surface and welled to the brim several times throughout the day.

And tonight, one of my best friends from college called. We caught up for a while and I chatted with her precious little girl on speaker phone. I was grinning from ear-to-ear. She was telling me about making lemonade today (I think it was make-believe) and what she had for dinner (chicken tetrazini--big words for such a little person!). I loved how she said my name in her goodbye--how is it that little kids can make you feel like a huge celebrity simply by saying your name?? I love it!

Back to the point... My friend asked how I was doing and I spilled about this week and how I'm feeling about the change. She reminded me that I am known; in fact, that I have friends all over the country who care about me and this little life of mine (my words, not hers : ) ). It reminded me of that Mosaic... Didn't I say I needed to keep that in mind just a couple of days ago? My life might be fragmented, but it's a good life and there are actual people (living and breathing!) who share in it with me. Good, bad and mundane.

The point of these words? I needed the reminder. I might need more, so forgive me if I drone on about this for another few posts or another couple of months. This too shall pass.

Fragmentation

Independence Day found me atop a parking garage in Orlando with others from my church community celebrating the holiday and discussing freedom. It was a great evening connecting with new people and enjoying the city (food to my soul!). At one point, I had a conversation in which I described my life as 'fragmented' and I've been thinking about it ever since. Here goes my verbal process:

Fragmented, Fragmenting, Fragments (www.thefreedictionary.com)
To break or separate (something) into fragments
To become broken into fragments

Sometimes, it feels like both; either my life is being broken into fragments or I'm becoming broken into fragments. When I moved east, as I've said here before, I wasn't logically nor emotionally aware of the consequences of my decision. I stepped out in faith, knew I was following the Lord and went for it. This time around, my perspective has changed. No longer sweetly naive to the realities of change, I am constantly aware of my choice. It's the right decision and I'm really encouraged as I see God at work, please don't misunderstand me; though, I do feel differently this time.

As I explained that night to the kind person with the listening ear, I'm starting over and my life feels like it's in three places now. Part of me is still in Colorado, most of me is in Boston and the rest has wandered down to Central Florida. DEAR friends live in each place while others reside in a variety of distant locations beyond the three, I'm finding it a challenge to keep up with my own life. How do we do it??

Fully aware that I'm not the only person living this sort of life, I'm struck by how crazy it is that we're all so interconnected and distant at once. (By the way, I know what I'm about to say has been said much more eloquently by others before me...) There's no use pointing fingers of blame at technology which made life this complicated because it also makes it this sweet. Goodbyes are no longer for good. We have the ability to hop planes, see each other online (literally and figuratively), text, call, send pictures via our phones and more. It's AMAZING. Can you believe we get to live in a time like this?

The ramifications, however, are real. Yes, I, the achiever, feel strongly that I should be able to do it all--stay connected to every person I've ever known and have yet to meet--but the more places I visit, the more I know the stories of the people I meet there, the less able I am to do it well. Perhaps this is the greatest hardship of the new move... Knowing that I'm further away from staying connected the way I desired to be at this time last year.

Another side to the issue? I now have the choice and ability to let new people into my life. This is a beautiful thing and I really do want that, but starting from, "Once upon a time there was a girl from Colorado..." feels so draining. Maybe I don't need to start there (I am an extrovert who does have a lot of words...), but, "Hi, I'm Jessica" can steal my energy just as fast as it's typically followed by, "What do you do? Where do you live? How long have you been here?" Bottom line? I just want to be known--sooner rather than later. Yet, it requires effort and it requires time.

So, here's a perspective the Lord gave me today regarding my fragmented life--the one I will carry with me when the waves of uncertainty rise in moments where I feel so out of place--again, not a new idea: A Mosaic. All of these fragments, the pieces from various places and people in my life are beautifully melded together creating a picture I cannot see this side of Heaven; but prayerfully, a picture that brings glory to God who has led me so faithfully along this path, provided so lavishly for this daughter who loves Him and would go anywhere because I know He is good, and simply sits at His feet wondering at His ability to make the pieces add up to something whole.

Seriously Unscheduled

A few minutes ago I pulled up my trusty online calendar and began inserting details for the coming weeks. At times, I'm the type of person who feels discouraged looking at what is ahead because it all seems to transpire too quickly. I experience powerlessness in its passing. It is not that I want to save my life; rather, I want to savor life and have lacked the skills required to engage in my longing to reestablish a whole-life. Thankfully, this year has changed that immensely.

What I noticed as I glanced through each of the remaining months of 2010 was a supreme lack of detail marking out my days and weeks. While I have a feeling this state of being will not last long, I gaped at those empty squares dedicated to unfilled days, feeling a rush of fascination and fear. I do not remember a time in the past six years where there was so much emptiness, openness, or opportunity (I'm still undecided on which to choose) in my schedule.

I'm wondering tonight how these moments of life will transpire. What does God have in store? Who are the people with whom I will spend them? How can I choose to engage and invest in a way I've never imagined?

Exciting, right?

The Ants Go Marching One by One--No Hurrah Here

There are ants all over the townhouse I'm staying at for the first part of my summer. I discovered them the other day when a few of them determined to bite my ankle. So, I did what any new resident without proper resources would do: I sprayed some kitchen cleaner on the ones I could see and called it good for the night. I couldn't get over how small and seemingly harmless they appeared; I now beg to differ. 

Sadly, this didn't solve the issue as I awoke the next morning and sleepily, not to mention contact-and-glasses-free, made my way into the kitchen to make coffee. They'd thrown a party in the middle of the floor--thank the Lord I actually saw them! Probably 75-100 new little friends blocked my way from sink to counter. This sent me into a cleaning frenzy and I quickly vacuumed them up (more humane?) and proceeded to do the same to all of the tile floors to ensure no crumb was left to be discovered by any of their relatives.

Have I mentioned that I'm in the middle of a huge transition? Exhausted? Wondering how my new full-time life here in Florida is going to turn out especially as most of my friends are not here at present? Living out of boxes and suitcases?

Later that day, more ants. This time upstairs in the master bath. You'd think I'd head directly to the store and buy the Ortho, but no, I kept doing it 'my way' (mostly because I couldn't find the energy to deal). Big surprise: it hasn't worked. Regardless of how many ants I squash, spray with one version of household cleaner or another and even yes, in my weak moments, curse them, they've determined to stay put. In fact, late this afternoon, I was hastily getting ready for my small group and happened to notice bunches (!!!) of them in the master bedroom on the carpet and on the nightstand. Needless to say, I was late.

So tonight, I popped into Publix in Thorton Park after my small group ended. Knowing that even a small taste of the city would give my spirit some lift, I enjoyed the fleeting minutes I spent searching for the right tools to take care of my new roommates. Then, I headed far away from the city toward my home of the next weeks and yep, I cried.

Do you ever feel like the last straw has been pulled for you and you're totally out of control? This would be me at the moment.

Thankfully, I came home to a friend who listened to me rant about the day for a few minutes before I began spraying Ortho like a lunatic and strategically setting up ant traps. It was extremely cathartic. The point? Well, I'm still trying to figure that out, but somehow I think it has something to do with what I do when I reach the end of myself. Not that there's a lesson to be had in everything, but these ants have been a great reminder that I'm in need of mercy and grace as I move through this transition. They're sort-of representative of the chaos that exists inside me and how it keeps showing up in new and unexpected places. Though it's annoying and frustrating I guess I'm trying to make the best of it, doing what I can as I'm able. 

Generosity: Not for the Stingy of Heart

What would be generous?

Four simple words mobbed with meaning. It's a question I've begun asking myself recently and I'm finding it to be quite the challenge. Last week my roommates and I were packing up our apartment; I noticed that things were moving slowly. There came a moment when it hit me that we'd never be out on time unless I picked up my pace in order to be available to clean once my belongings were safely stowed. So, I did.

The next day, I finished and cleaned my room then turned my attention to the common spaces. I was in the middle of clearing and wiping out our kitchen cabinets when a wave of bitterness began to rise. Thoughts like, "I knew this would happen," and "They don't even care that I am stepping in to do more,"  raced through my mind. Standing over the kitchen sink, I allowed my rantings to continue and quietly, I heard Him... "You don't have to do all of this, you're choosing to..."

I stopped in my tracks as the warm water washed over my hands... Heart surgery. I argued that I did need to do this - we'd never be done on time. I was thinking of the people responsible for checking on our apartment to ensure it was left as required. They already had so much on their plates without our lack of care or concern about their work to get everyone out on time. I didn't want to take advantage.

Next I began to think about the way I communicate a high value on generosity in all aspects of my life. Wouldn't it be generous to clean our apartment to bless my roommates? That would certainly show kindness and love as they only had a few hours left to move their belongings. Was it really so hard for me to clean? After all, I love to clean! (Really, I am that person.)

God, in His goodness, also reminded me in those moments that being generous outwardly did not change the reality of what He saw and experienced in my heart. Oh, stingy, stingy heart. He, as He always is, was right. Generosity doesn't depend upon my outward deeds, but pours out through a heart that is in right relationship with Him.

Relationship. Yes, that's what this is all about, isn't it?

Not only were my relationships with my roommates (as an aside: roommates whom I completely adore!) affected by what was taking place in my inner life, but also my relationship with God. The One who spared nothing, including His Son, that I might be free and have life!! SUCH generosity! Who was I to withhold this very minuscule act of generosity through a growing inward bitterness?

Both roommates later told me how grateful they were for the extra work I did to get us out of that apartment. The sweetness of their gratitude fell heavy upon my heart as I considered what had taken place between the Lord and I. It has been another good picture of the need I have for the Gospel and the mercy of God.

What does it mean to walk in generosity in my finances, work, service, relationships, with my belongings, time, gifts and beyond? 

May I have a growing awareness that God has given me everything and I now have the opportunity to employ my freedom as a blessing to others. Inwardly, I choose to give it all away. Outwardly, I do. 

How can I live out His generosity today?