Staying the Course

I have cried a lot this week. Some of those tears developed from a place of grieving--releasing the past so I can embrace the present. The rest rose from a place of deep sadness related to a wounding conversation. Relationally, these last twelve months have been so painful especially when it comes to men; and yet, I'm surprised (and celebrating) the growth I've seen in myself when it comes to vulnerability and speaking the truth about myself to others.

In fact, last night I was reminded of an old post I wrote (Free from the Facade) and reading it this morning, I was amazed at how far I've come in the process of allowing myself to be known and living a life characterized by vulnerability. I've told the truth and I'm thankful. Doing so has brought increasing levels of freedom to my life. In that way, fear hasn't controlled me. 

God is still working to free me from my instinct to run away though. Honestly, I've wanted to this week--I've strongly desired to shut myself off from a friendship again. Instead, He's asking me to trust Him, to forgive, to love well, to believe the best and to sit in what feels painful--to stay. 

An old friend once told me that I have a enormous capacity to love. He also said that because of this I hurt more deeply. My continued experience tells me this is true. Perhaps God was helping me understand, way back then, what He was going to ask me to walk into in my life. Today I pray for the grace to stay the course.