Forging Ahead

I made a really significant decision this past week and it's starting to hit me. The tears have come a lot today as I feel the 'realness' of the choice I've made. Sitting with the Lord early in the day I said, "I know this is what You're asking me to do and I know it's good; I just feel so, so sad. Would You give me grace to be in this place where I feel it and grace to move into what is ahead?"

I heard Him say, "I rejoice over you with singing..."

More tears came.

The thing for me about following after Him in this is: He's so good and He knows where He's taking me; still, I feel a bit in the dark about how it all turns out and I feel as though I'm setting out on my own. And, in a way, I am. It feels uncomfortable, it feels messy and I choose today to sit in the sadness of the thing He asked me to leave behind. Though that place presented its own challenges, I grew there (really because of said challenges). No part of me thought He'd ask me to put all of it on the altar. Which, if you think of it is actually quite silly. Of course He would!... But, I guess I didn't think He'd really ask me to release it fully. I'm guessing I feel as surprised as the next person by that reality.

So I've sent letters and called a couple people and emailed some more. Only a couple calls though... They were short and I'm glad. I could barely get through the news, trying to stick to the 'facts' and be done with it. In my heart, I wept. And today I allowed the billowing waves of tears to wash down my face as my shoulders shook. Raising my eyes ceiling-ward, I told Him I loved Him and how I just needed grace upon grace right now. Thankfully, He offers it in great measure.

I know this gets easier, grief always does. It just takes time. So, here we go, Lord; I'm stepping out into this unknown place with hope that what is ahead is better for me than what I've left behind. And, I'm asking, "Make me like You. You have to make me just like You if this is going anywhere good..."

Taking Time

One thing I'm appreciate about the conversations I'm having about the future is how no one seems to be in a hurry. I'm learning how there is wisdom in the waiting. Today I was reflecting on how peaceful my heart feels in the midst of so much uncertainty. I'm grateful to have turned a corner in that regard this week.

Tonight I invited our small group to share things God has been showing them about 2014. What are you hoping to see? What has the Lord spoken in about what He wants you to trust Him for? What are some steps of faith you want to take? My hope was for us to share and capture these things so we might champion one another toward them throughout the year ahead.

It's pretty beautiful what happened... As each person shared it was clear how they have an understanding of what the Lord is inviting them into. And, I realized something important... These are the places where we get to focus our attention. In my experience, the group 'leader' decides the direction and everyone goes there. To an extent, I am doing that of course (living with intentionality, yes?). But, the thing which strikes me tonight is how God is at work in each person's life and we get to be part of what He leads them into. This is no "one size fits all" group scenario, right? I have the privilege of stewarding our gatherings in a way which highlight these things so we can see one another take faith steps into what God calls each of us to this year.

It reminded me of what I've experienced in my conversations about the future. We get to take time to discover how God wants to accomplish the things we shared tonight. We get to listen to one another and for one another. We get to encourage and challenge one another to step into those possibilities for growth, maturity and impact. To use my latest favorite word: Rad!

Driving home from a day full of appointments, I felt a bit defeated about the 'plan' for tonight. I hadn't taken good time with the Lord today and genuinely felt like, "What in the world are we supposed to do?" I felt disappointed in myself. Then, I stopped focusing on what I hadn't done and said to the Lord, "God, You know what we need tonight. Will You show me so we can step into it?" And, there we go...

I'm so grateful for His mercy, the time He takes with us to develop and transform us, and for His deep, deep abiding love. I'm encouraged tonight as I consider how He provided just what we needed and the way He's doing that for me, too in my personal journey. It's taking some time to sort it out, but I'm convinced that the time is worthwhile and what needs to come to fruition will happen as I continue to walk by faith, lean on Him, listen and obey. I think it's a good place to be and I'm grateful.

The Rare Ones

Sitting in the living room rounding out the evening, my roommate offered, "I love the way you are when you're with them." She was referring to a couple we're both friends with in our small group. Smiling, I nodded, "I know... I've told them many times before how I don't know what happens to me, but I become wholly myself when I'm with them. I'm not afraid of bringing all of it to the table." When she headed to her room, I continued to think about it.

When we arrived at their house for a hangout time with our group tonight, I walked up to their front door and yelled through the adjacent windows, "Let us in! Let us in! Let us in Let us in Let us in!!!!" I saw K over the sink smiling and S moved from his perch on the couch, amused.

There's something really special when you encounter people you can be yourself with. I don't know what it is about this couple, but I truly feel free when I'm with them. This belly laughing, wise-cracking, spastic person comes out to greet anyone around and brings along the one who considers things deeply, talks and talks and talks, gets red-hot-fiery on soapboxes, the woman who analyzes everything and the one who weighs the significance of what it means to to leave a legacy with her life. I get the craziest ideas when I'm with them and I actually think about how we'll carry them out... That "me" is present with them. I'm amazed on a regular basis when I see it in myself because it's uncommon.

In the case of all rare things, it's precious to me--this way of living as myself with them. Tonight, I feel especially grateful for them and the me I am when I'm with them. "She" is someone I'd like to know better because I only catch glimpses of "her" in my regular life. I feel like a stranger to myself as I type that (if you didn't notice, that's the reason for the quotation marks... ha!), but part of me feels that way. Perhaps that's the reason I said this as we parted tonight, "We can't go more than a week without seeing each other!!" It's sort of great to be a spaz sometimes... I meant it. :)

The thing is, I think I'm able to be this way because they're safe people. They're emotionally and spiritually grounded. They're trustworthy. They're faithful friends who know what it looks like to give and receive; extend and accept invitations. They share their stories and their lives; they let me in. They tell me they want to know me and champion me along this path I'm walking. They pray for me and remember the details. We laugh together (and we do, a whole lot). I know they'll be there because they've told me they want to be there. They don't just say this, but they actually mean it. I can confidently say this because their actions line up with their words.

I love them and being with them. And, I love who I am when I'm with them. The Lord has really blessed me in this friendship... Really, really, really blessed me indeed. I pray to be as safe a person and loyal a friend to them as they continue to be for me. I'm thankful.

Mark 6 Reflections

"Take heart, it is I; do not be afraid." -- Jesus 

(as recorded in Mark 6)

Jesus came to His disciples on the water. The winds were raging around them as they sat atop the water in a boat. His intention was to pass them. I've been mulling over that this morning... Why? Why was He going to pass them?

But then they called out. They were afraid, thinking they were seeing a ghost. Jesus steps into the fear, offering Himself... "I'm here... There's no reason to be afraid." The One who made the earth, the very air swirling around them, the trees which had been formed into the vessel and each man sitting in it was here.

In a way, it's odd to me: He didn't speak to the winds. Wasn't that the original problem after all?

Rather, He spoke to the disciples then continued to move toward them.

He got into the boat with them. He didn't continue walking past them. He stopped and engaged. Then the winds ceased.

I don't know about you today, but for me, this is good news. The Author of Life is with me telling me not to be afraid. He sees me in a place of need and move towards me, but He's not going to keep walking past... Because when I call out to Him, He's going to speak to the real need and join me in the boat. 

Interestingly enough, the disciples are astounded (I mean, of course they are!), but then their hearts are hardened. I wonder about that, too. Why aren't they brought to a place of complete tenderness in the midst of what He's just done, in the midst of His very Presence?

Perhaps it's because they couldn't put Him into a man-sized box... The passage says they couldn't understand the miracle from a while before (the bread and the loaves)... They couldn't wrap their heads around Him, so they kept their distance. Maybe.

For me, this resonates though. After telling me not to be afraid, He gets in the boat and the winds calm down. In light of all I'd just experienced with Him, the amazing miracles I'd just seen and the way He spoke to my exact need, I think I'd wonder about what was next. In fact, I do...

So I'm just going to sit with Him in that spot today wondering about my need to make Him my-sized and yet still in awe of the astounding gift of His presence and the peace He ushers in. I hope to learn more about my need in the place where I need to bring Him down to my level of understanding. I hope He surprises me with more astonishing moments where I see how very out of my box He is.

The Opposite of Worry

"You will keep her in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You: because she trusts in You."

Isaiah 26:3 (him/her changes: mine)

I've spent the last two days admiring the walls in my room and the view out my window due to the stomach flu. I forgot how awful it is. But today, I realized the sickness is related to stress I'm feeling. It's no wonder my body is responding in such a terrible way--I feel absolutely overwhelmed and worried. There have been so many things on my mind this past month and I now see the toll this stress has taken on my body as my thoughts have swirled. I've really only allowed myself to cry in short bursts this past month fearing I'd be overcome with the sadness and disappointment I feel, but perhaps it would be better to really 'go there' instead of stuffing it in the ways I have by stopping myself short each time the tears well. 

Throughout the day the above verse has been on my mind. I've recited it to myself as I've padded from bedroom to kitchen refilling my teacup. I've thought about it during and between episodes of Sherlock. And, I've wondered at the simplicity of allowing my thoughts to remain on the Lord making way for the worries to wash away. After all, Jesus sees my sadness. He gets my disappointment. He fully comprehends the future He's leading me toward. I have nothing to fear. His love drives out all fear.

All I must do is choose. Choose to see Him in all of it. Choose to trust. Choose to allow myself to feel what I'm feeling and stop censoring myself emotionally thinking no one can handle that... He can. And, He wants to. He's given me a lighter burden, a different yoke. He's inviting me there in this process and still, I hold on to some semblance of control for what? I'll tell you right now... Whatever I think I'm gaining here isn't worth it. 

If you're a person of prayer, I'd love for you to pray this verse for me. I need to walk in His grace and experience the wonderful peace He gives me so freely. I'm just having a hard time with it at the moment.

Walking in Thankfulness

In the midst of some hardship, I was reminded today to walk in thankfulness. There are so many good things in my life and as I'm up at this late hour (again), I thought I'd share the moments I feel most thankful for today. I'm thankful:

• I was able to sleep in -- a luxury my friends with kids don't often have.
• The Lord loves me exactly as I am in this moment, on this day.
• New paint and a fresh perspective in my home and bedroom.
• My roommate and I had time to catch up on life a bit today. I was vulnerable and shared how I'm really doing.
• I finished my Christmas cards (at last!). They were delivered late and I'm grateful to have so many people to send them to -- God has blessed me with many people in my life.
• I enjoyed a movie with a friend today. Thankful for her presence in my life.
• Took a night-time nap before heading out again. I feel grateful for the chance to rest more in the midst of reoccurring exhaustion.
• Headed out on the town with some favorite girlfriends to celebrate a birthday. I laughed SO much tonight, danced and enjoyed the opportunity to reconnect. I felt loved and seen by them.
• Stopped by another party on the way home and felt so loved there, too -- some friends expressed a genuine excitement to see me and I just loved being with them even for a short time.
• One of the friends at the last party reminded me that there is a place for me in my church community. He told me I was missed and would be happy when I came back. There really aren't words for how much our interaction and his words meant to me. It's so hard to think about going back there right now, but I felt encouraged to be present where I'm at and reengage when I'm ready. His encouragement truly bolstered me.

Thankful.

Hug It

Well here we are: 2014. I woke from vivid dreams and looked at the time. 10:14 AM. Not wanting to interrupt the possibility of more sleep, I said to the Lord, "Let this be sacred space right now. If You'd like to say something, please do." Then I fell more deeply into my pillow, snuggling up to the thought. The only thing moving through my mind was a blur of images from my dreams though, so I just rested there not making sense of any of it.

After a while, I opened my eyes more completely and allowed the room to come into focus. I'm so glad I painted and rearranged two days ago. It's like a different place, this bedroom of mine. I felt gratitude wash over me, "Thank you, Lord. Thank you so much for helping me to change this space. I didn't know how much I needed it to change." It's opened up new potential for me, honestly. After three months in this home, I can finally imagine paintings on the wall and feel happy just to be in my room. It's like it's suddenly becoming a sanctuary for me. I really didn't know how badly I needed one...

So it's the small things and the large ones which matter (profound, yes? Ha!) and the reality of that truth is anchoring itself in me as I understand how this will be a year of unprecedented change for me. I'm open to the possibilities. That's the word from Him on the subject: possibilities. For two weeks now, I've been mulling over the word. He's affirmed it in the coolest ways and I feel blessed to be hearing correctly when so much of me has been questioning if I've even heard Him well these past few months (and potentially, years). I wish I more fully understood why He has ordained the things which have come my way. It's hard not knowing the larger story because this season has been so painful.

On New Year's Eve last year, I walked along a beach just before midnight alone. Taking space from the friends I was with, I felt a longing just to be with the Lord. As I walked and considered the year I was leaving and the one I was entering, my heart felt conflicted. There was real tension about an interpersonal relationship and I wondered what the new year would bring in that regard and more generally, in my life.

I've questioned myself so fully this year. As in the past, the harmful things have struck a deep chord and sadly, I've let them tag along. BUT, I've regained my voice as I've sought to be honest with myself and others when it has come to my experience. So much freedom has come with honesty. For the first time in a long time, I haven't been overly concerned about the way my feelings come across. I just felt them and sought to honor myself and the Lord by staying put instead of running away from them. I'm grateful for the chance to grow and to try.

Last night was understated. I purposefully chose it. A good friend and I spent time together and it was refreshing and lovely. Later, I made a wardrobe change then headed out again to see another friend. Surrounded by hundreds of strangers, we welcomed the New Year. The anonymity of the moment was sort of fantastic. Finding a bench later, we talked about the really real stuff going on in our lives. Actually, we shouted it at one another. It was an interesting moment to say the least as strangers swirled around us with drinks and hopes and sadness's and intentions to make the most of the celebrating. I wondered about them briefly... What were they really thinking of as they considered the night and the New Year? Did they have hope? Did I?

Leaving around 12:45, I felt relieved to get home and sleep. I was so happy to part ways with 2013 not because it was all bad, but because I finally feel ready to step into the change God has for me this year. I feel like He has set the stage for these 'possibilities' and I'm ready to embrace them now. If not for the pain of this past year, perhaps I wouldn't be ready. For that, I am grateful. I'm seeking to look at the pain from His perspective and find the hope and joy in what it has produced. I think there is good fruit to be found here. And, as my mom wisely said to me several weeks back, "Embrace this as a refreshing move to a new straight path." So, I'm taking her advice and opening my arms wide to "hug this new season."

Welcome 2014: Year of Possibilities. Welcome.