Forging Ahead

I made a really significant decision this past week and it's starting to hit me. The tears have come a lot today as I feel the 'realness' of the choice I've made. Sitting with the Lord early in the day I said, "I know this is what You're asking me to do and I know it's good; I just feel so, so sad. Would You give me grace to be in this place where I feel it and grace to move into what is ahead?"

I heard Him say, "I rejoice over you with singing..."

More tears came.

The thing for me about following after Him in this is: He's so good and He knows where He's taking me; still, I feel a bit in the dark about how it all turns out and I feel as though I'm setting out on my own. And, in a way, I am. It feels uncomfortable, it feels messy and I choose today to sit in the sadness of the thing He asked me to leave behind. Though that place presented its own challenges, I grew there (really because of said challenges). No part of me thought He'd ask me to put all of it on the altar. Which, if you think of it is actually quite silly. Of course He would!... But, I guess I didn't think He'd really ask me to release it fully. I'm guessing I feel as surprised as the next person by that reality.

So I've sent letters and called a couple people and emailed some more. Only a couple calls though... They were short and I'm glad. I could barely get through the news, trying to stick to the 'facts' and be done with it. In my heart, I wept. And today I allowed the billowing waves of tears to wash down my face as my shoulders shook. Raising my eyes ceiling-ward, I told Him I loved Him and how I just needed grace upon grace right now. Thankfully, He offers it in great measure.

I know this gets easier, grief always does. It just takes time. So, here we go, Lord; I'm stepping out into this unknown place with hope that what is ahead is better for me than what I've left behind. And, I'm asking, "Make me like You. You have to make me just like You if this is going anywhere good..."