Hug It

Well here we are: 2014. I woke from vivid dreams and looked at the time. 10:14 AM. Not wanting to interrupt the possibility of more sleep, I said to the Lord, "Let this be sacred space right now. If You'd like to say something, please do." Then I fell more deeply into my pillow, snuggling up to the thought. The only thing moving through my mind was a blur of images from my dreams though, so I just rested there not making sense of any of it.

After a while, I opened my eyes more completely and allowed the room to come into focus. I'm so glad I painted and rearranged two days ago. It's like a different place, this bedroom of mine. I felt gratitude wash over me, "Thank you, Lord. Thank you so much for helping me to change this space. I didn't know how much I needed it to change." It's opened up new potential for me, honestly. After three months in this home, I can finally imagine paintings on the wall and feel happy just to be in my room. It's like it's suddenly becoming a sanctuary for me. I really didn't know how badly I needed one...

So it's the small things and the large ones which matter (profound, yes? Ha!) and the reality of that truth is anchoring itself in me as I understand how this will be a year of unprecedented change for me. I'm open to the possibilities. That's the word from Him on the subject: possibilities. For two weeks now, I've been mulling over the word. He's affirmed it in the coolest ways and I feel blessed to be hearing correctly when so much of me has been questioning if I've even heard Him well these past few months (and potentially, years). I wish I more fully understood why He has ordained the things which have come my way. It's hard not knowing the larger story because this season has been so painful.

On New Year's Eve last year, I walked along a beach just before midnight alone. Taking space from the friends I was with, I felt a longing just to be with the Lord. As I walked and considered the year I was leaving and the one I was entering, my heart felt conflicted. There was real tension about an interpersonal relationship and I wondered what the new year would bring in that regard and more generally, in my life.

I've questioned myself so fully this year. As in the past, the harmful things have struck a deep chord and sadly, I've let them tag along. BUT, I've regained my voice as I've sought to be honest with myself and others when it has come to my experience. So much freedom has come with honesty. For the first time in a long time, I haven't been overly concerned about the way my feelings come across. I just felt them and sought to honor myself and the Lord by staying put instead of running away from them. I'm grateful for the chance to grow and to try.

Last night was understated. I purposefully chose it. A good friend and I spent time together and it was refreshing and lovely. Later, I made a wardrobe change then headed out again to see another friend. Surrounded by hundreds of strangers, we welcomed the New Year. The anonymity of the moment was sort of fantastic. Finding a bench later, we talked about the really real stuff going on in our lives. Actually, we shouted it at one another. It was an interesting moment to say the least as strangers swirled around us with drinks and hopes and sadness's and intentions to make the most of the celebrating. I wondered about them briefly... What were they really thinking of as they considered the night and the New Year? Did they have hope? Did I?

Leaving around 12:45, I felt relieved to get home and sleep. I was so happy to part ways with 2013 not because it was all bad, but because I finally feel ready to step into the change God has for me this year. I feel like He has set the stage for these 'possibilities' and I'm ready to embrace them now. If not for the pain of this past year, perhaps I wouldn't be ready. For that, I am grateful. I'm seeking to look at the pain from His perspective and find the hope and joy in what it has produced. I think there is good fruit to be found here. And, as my mom wisely said to me several weeks back, "Embrace this as a refreshing move to a new straight path." So, I'm taking her advice and opening my arms wide to "hug this new season."

Welcome 2014: Year of Possibilities. Welcome.