Sadness Crept In

Meet me in the sadness
   in this sorrow
    oh, what madness

Hold my fragile heart
  the too familiar breaking
     accompanied with aching

Speak into stark rising fears
    this longing moment
     subdue my tears

Firmly plant such wayward feet
     prone to run
      escape before I'd come undone

Bring me to Your joy and rest
     help me breathe
      embrace what You deem best

Cause this wobbly heart to settle
     slow its pace
      lean into Your strength and grace

Love me in this sadness
     a silly sorrow
      oh sweet, known madness.

Triangle Pose & Love

In recent years I have had wise people and friends strongly encourage me to take part in the practice of yoga because somewhere along this road I travel, I have forgotten how to breathe. Leave it to me, the type-A, driven, perfectionist in remission to lose sight of a foundational necessity like breathing. The thing is, of course I breathe, but my breaths are shallow; and, the concern is that my body isn't receiving the oxygen it needs to function properly. In fact, without it, I cannot thrive. Amazing things I'm learning...

Lately, when I go to my class, I have focused my attention on what it means to trust God--to understand him as my Refuge. As I'm moving through the flow of movement, I turn my attention to how much I need him to even complete the poses, to rest in them, to find strength as I maintain the posture. One thing is for certain: it's hard. I see my need to depend upon him each and every week. The parallels to life are unending.

Last week, I realized mid-class that I was soaring through the flow. A first. I felt so grateful and strong. This week, I struggled. Maintaining my breath was challenging, I couldn't hold a bunch of poses and where strength was found last time, I found weakness this week.

When we arrived at triangle pose, I felt weary in it. I'm finding it challenging to explain the pose as I think about it so this next part might make sense... Leave it to the internet to find a photo in seconds... Here you go: Extended Triangle Pose. Anyway, while I focused on my breath and maintaining my stance, our instructor began to talk about the vulnerability of having our hearts so open to the world. I reflected on that as my whole body was turned out, exposed. She said that sometimes it is hard to choose into that vulnerability because of the risk it involves. Tears welled in my eyes.

I reflected on that with the Lord as I continued through the class. It is scary and messy to choose into love--receiving and giving--in this life. My immediate response is often to be guarded. Crossed arms, legs, and body positioned away from those I interact with regularly (ask the guys at the office--one has pointed this out to me).

BUT, if I desire to be loved (and really, to be able to offer love), I have to be open. I have to risk. And, in my weakness, I have to choose to allow Jesus to be my strength.

Beautiful Things

There's a song that I've come to love... Much of it goes like this...

"You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us"

--Gungor--

This afternoon, I pulled out my oil pastels and took time to draw and reflect on these lyrics. Here's what came out:

I've been thinking a lot these days about my strength. Mostly, I've been evaluating my belief that I lack it. While I know this is not true, I've often bought into the lie that I don't have what it takes to make it through the difficulties in my life. They have been immense in a way. Recently, a friend and I reflected on the hardships I've experienced these past few years. I feel like I've been to hell and back in specific ways relationally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I've wondered if I would make it to the other side OR if the record player of my life would "play and repeat" adversity forever ...

God has begun to reveal, with more clarity, why he has brought me into this place of refinement through hardship. He wants to free me from those war wounds I mentioned recently. In fact, the other day, my brother put it this way, "He wants to kill the performer!" God cares so much more about my soul than he does about what I do for him.

I have to type that again...

God cares so much more about my soul than he does about what I do for him.

I've been forced to slow my pace. Most days it feels like I'm creeping along. But, the stillness has revealed this bittersweet truth: I am in deep pain. And, God has provided me with the strength to handle the process of healing. Here's how he's recently been showing this to me:

Two weeks ago, I found a card from one of my best friends. She sent it to me the first year I was in Boston... It was significant then and means so much today: "Your strength may surprise you... The rest of us already know..."

My back is healing from my car accident months ago, and as I've been challenging myself in physical therapy, I've noticed something... I'm actually achieving things that I'd given up on, watching daily as my strength returns and I regain ground I thought I lost.

Last night at church, a friend came to me during the musical worship time near the end. She said, "The Lord wants you to know that you are strong. You are stronger than you think you are..." I wept.

Today, I've chosen to step into my strength.

"You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us"

...

God = Refuge

Two weeks ago I had a feeling... If I could just give myself the grace to not have it together and do what I was 'supposed' to be doing, but make the choice to rest and listen to my body instead, my energy would return. And today, coming home from my physical therapy and chiropractic appointments, I realized that it is coming back! Honestly, this is such a sweet gift from God. To have the flexibility to be able to live this out is one huge blessing and having seen growth in my life to the point where I actually chose it is amazing!

I feel grateful.
I feel encouraged.
I feel seen by God.
I feel loved by Him.

Psalm 91 has come up again and again these past few weeks. In fact, almost every time I've opened my Bible, the page has fallen there... He definitely got my attention. So many parts of the Psalm resonate with my heart right now (given the things I've shared here recently, as well as these musings for today), but this stuck out this morning as I read the Message version of the text:

"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
"I'll get you out of any trouble.
I'll give you my best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I'll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!"
(Psalm 91:14-16)

I laughed aloud when I read the part about throwing me a party. He's so fun, isn't He? The early parts of the Psalm talk about God as our refuge. I'm resting in that today. He is my home and with Him, I am safe. I'm learning that as I listen, I'm living and thriving--far from my past history of simply surviving.

How grateful I am to Him for such sweet gifts in the midst of life that still feels rather confusing and chaotic right now. Trusting, leaning, depending, waiting, needing, listening... New words that are finding their way into my everyday vocabulary.

War Wounds

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." 

John 16:33

I don't know about you, but when I break down in tears with the physical therapist over a simple inability to conquer a more intense version of the plank, it's time to really take stock of what's happening inside. I knew I was off this morning. I had the hardest time sleeping and sent a late night text to my big brother to see if he might be able to give me some perspective. Sadly, when we finally did connect at 1:30 AM, he was engaged with a friend and couldn't offer more than a listening ear for the overview before hanging up with a promise to talk soon. Thankfully, just the brief connection helped put me at ease and I fell asleep a short time later.

I jolted awake 30 minutes before my scheduled alarm and the thoughts that kindly slipped away as I embraced REM, flooded back into my consciousness. Hours later, I'm still not certain what it is that I'm feeling. Loss? Grief? Disturbed? I cannot pinpoint the emotion and perhaps that's why peace seems far from me. Obviously I'm vague, but I learned something last night that has been challenging to process. Does it alter life? No, not really, but I'm struggling with it. 

More to the point, I think it has much to do with this fear that has crept back into my life this past week; it comes in the form of this statement: "I don't want to be messed with again..." Life and relationships have taught me many things, but this sits high atop the list. The Lord, in His goodness I believe, has brought this up for a purpose--perhaps to heal this particular war wound.

It's true. Life is filled with pain. Sometimes it seems like it sits at attention waiting to spill over, covering every ounce of hopefulness that exists in my life. The old platitude, "This too shall pass," no longer comforts but becomes yet another stake to plunge into the ground declaring the absurdity of the broken world.

And then I remember... "But take heart! I have overcome the world." 

Meeting with two sweet women yesterday, we chatted for hours about forgiveness. What does it mean to forgive? In part, we must confess where we are in relationship to God--understanding our own depravity and need for forgiveness. We are not able to give what we have not received. Then, we are free to forgive ourselves and forgive others. How is this possible? Truly, only through a relationship with Jesus. We cannot manufacture it--it had to have been provided for us. There's no other source, no other way.

At one point in our dialogue we read a favorite passage of mine in the Bible that speaks about hope:

"Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

Romans 5:1-5

God has met me time and again through this particular passage because it points me to what is true. Where is my hope found? Hope does not exist to disappoint... It exists because God loves us and provides a greater picture and truth about the world than what we see and experience regularly. He has made us righteous by grace (which we stand in! Amazing...) through the work that Jesus accomplished in his life, death and resurrection. We're at peace with God and therefore, whatever trouble we encounter, we are transformed as we move through it and find: hope; and, we can move beyond it to the glory of God. Not only that (as if it wasn't enough!), he ensures that we're able to walk in his love through the gift of the Holy Spirit. I'm just in awe of him...

Honestly, even after all of that, my feelings are still at war inside me. The ability to heal, forgive and hope have to be entrusted to God. I cannot make those things happen in my own strength. I lack it. But, I do want those things... I'm trusting him for it.

Which reminds me, last week I sensed the Lord asking me that question: "Whom do you trust, Jess?"

In this world we will have trouble... Jesus has overcome the world.

Green Lights?

"Who had time for those switchbacks with the destination so clearly in sight?"

Taylor, Barbara Brown. An Altar in the World: A Geography of Faith.

Canada: HarperCollins Publishing, 2009.

I'm certainly not much of a fan of switchbacks. When my eyes see ahead to the end goal, I'm there within seconds and have figured out the best course of action to get directly from Point A --where I'm likely standing-- to point B. Once a decision is made, green lights all the way, baby! But, that's not always life. Certainly not my life at this moment, anyhow. The past week or so I have absolutely longed for it to work this way, but I've been traversing a path that keeps winding me around to a familiar location: the place of Waiting.

I add a capital "W" there because it feels like a real place right now. I'm there. I wonder if I'll ever leave it and somehow, I'm coming to understand that as I become more self-aware, I'll likely find myself living here. There are always things to wait upon. My dear friend told me that truth years ago in a poignant way referencing her own story--you wait to grow up, go to school, graduate from school, meet someone, get engaged, get married, have a baby... And, more routinely, you wait in line at the grocery store, post office and in traffic. You get the idea. We all have to wait. It is a necessary and admittedly, a good part of life. So why doesn't it feel good?

Control--yep, the tug-o-war is in play. I want to be in control. I want to determine how things will happen so I can know how I'll feel about them happening; and then I can decide whether I want that thing, whatever it is, to happen or not. Whew... That feels exhausting just to write out, let alone live. But, past experience has taught me that hurt awaits if I don't control my own life-- you just can't let people get that close or allow that thing hoped for to carry the weight it does... "Live and learn," right?

While I do need to exercise more discernment when it comes to trusting others and making wise decisions about my life, I also need to leap! Faith says that I won't always understand why or how, but I must trust something (Someone, in fact), greater than myself. The switchbacks don't make sense to me, but he gets it and is engaging my heart as I faithfully maneuver their corners.

So today I'm seeking to enjoy the view and the journey. I'm finding that as I embrace the course set before me, I'm experience peace deep within my belly--and if you know me, you know what a great thing that is! Here's to letting the Lord inform the future and waiting on his best for my life, not manufacturing my own version of what I think is best... It's a process. I'm in it.

My Choice: Woe or Thank?

A few days ago I realized a need in my life: attitude adjustment! I'm just processing some heavier things right now and I realized (in the midst of a virus that kept me on the sofa and asleep in my bed for five days) that I was on a 'woe-is-me' spiral headed DOWNWARD. For such a positive person, I have issues. :) Honestly, I think it's easy at times to let circumstances rule my emotions and perspective. I read something that very evening that reminded me about gratitude. And, before bed, I felt *compelled* (quite literally) to jump out of bed, grab my journal and write 10 things I was thankful for that night.

I did it and found release in the action. I felt like I moved above those things concerning me (not to say that they didn't slip back into my consciousness the moment my head hit the pillow) and had something new to detour my brain towards in my considerations. And, I even thanked God for a couple things for which I don't feel very thankful right now.

Last night, I did it again. I think I'm going to turn this into a practice for the next month or so--feel free to check with me if you want. I'm excited to see how God will use this time to shape my heart toward relationship with Him. I think it'll be sweet... That's just a guess, but I hope...

Waiting (Well!)

"She was not accustomed in these days to meet troubles, small or great, with the small stock of strength her mind or body could afford. She had acquired, by long habit, the power of putting them from her until she could take them into the presence of her Lord, and there, in secret, commune with Him of all that was in her heart."

--Sarah W. Stephen 

(As published in Joy & Strength, 1993, Tileston, Mary W.)

I've recently grown weary in waiting. There are several thieves I've allowed in my life these past few months. They have stolen two important assets: my joy and my energy. I'm beginning to remember that sometimes I have to fight for my own heart when others are incapable of seeing what's happening in my stomach. When I reach the place where I feel the familiar sickness and ache in the depths of my insides, I know something is terribly amiss. I'm thankful for the knowledge. There are things to release and others of which I need to grab hold.

Waiting is never easy. Placing your trust in others equally challenging. Life, however, requires that I do both and I see this as a good reality. Though, knowing when to take action while waiting well and allowing appropriate trust is tricky. In my personal and work lives, I'm still a novice. I'm taking new ground as I grow, yet it has yet to 'feel' comfortable, safe or fun. I'd like the process to feel like this because I'd be more at ease. That said, I'm learning peace in it. (He, after all, is our Peace!)

The quote above is my hope for myself as I walk through the waiting. May I take everything to Him--commune!--finding rest in my Source and setting my body and mind (let's also add emotions) on a course toward purposeful change. Thank God that He is committed to transformation in my life.

Coco Said It... I Like It...

My friend, Joanna recently sent this quote to me. I want to remember it forever. I think Coco and I could have been good friends. :)

“I don't understand how a woman can leave the house without fixing herself up a little - if only out of politeness. And then, you never know, maybe that's the day she has a date with destiny. And it's best to be as pretty as possible for destiny.” 

--Coco Chanel--

Taking It Easy

I'm at home taking it easy again after being rear-ended on the way home from work the other day. All things considered, I'm so grateful that the accident wasn't worse--my car and I will both recover soon. That said, I'm surprised by the level of discomfort I'm feeling in my back and neck. Today, I just feel like I cannot do much which is a rarity for me. I've been in a similar type of accident before, but these injuries feel different. After dealing with two insurance companies (both were great!), I was cleared to see my faithful chiropractor... Looks like I'm going to be seeing quite a bit of him, actually.

One thing that struck me the night of the accident was that I had no idea at the start of the day, or even on my commute home, that this event would transpire. The reality of my true lack of control creeps up at times like these. I am grateful that I know God and that I can depend upon his 'knowing' in every aspect of my life. He wasn't startled by the accident. I came home to an empty house that night and thankfully, had plans with a couple friends for dinner. Both guys were super kind and made the evening end on a much higher note. It was also perfect that we met across the street from my house, so no further driving was involved. : )

In the midst of it, I'm giving myself permission to be low-key and recover. I must say, it's a little challenging for me when I feel like there is a lot to do (and there is); but then again, life is short and it is okay to take a deep breath and realize that the best thing I can do for the Lord today is listen to the body he's given me and honor the need to heal. I've even given myself permission not to respond to email. All in all, a good day.

If you are someone who prays, I'd love prayers for my back and neck. I hope to feel well again soon.

Highlights from Home

Ten months marked my longest absence from home... Ever. There is something strange about being away for so long. In part, I think I miss aspects of myself that come alive there, but it's a paradox of sorts as I know I'm living the life I'm supposed to be in at the moment, just elsewhere. In fact, I'm experiencing life profoundly these days--to no credit of my own, but all to the adoration of God who is so very, very good. Here were some highlights...

• Driving with the Rockies as the backdrop wherever I found myself.
• Experiencing Fall ... the Aspen leaves shining brilliant gold put at bay my insatiable appetite for the seasons.
• Seeing old friends; meeting new ones. So blessed to hear and know their stories...
• The golden-years friends I smiled at during a buffet lunch out with grandma and great auntie. Their warm smiles and bright-eyed responses were a precious gift. The simple desire to be seen... Wow.
• Picking lush (and organic!) tomatoes from the garden my parents planted this year. Pictured above.
• Grabbing Vietnamese food with a dear friend.
• Holding my grandmother's hands in my own and praying over her.
• The incredible night sky seen from 10-acres with no streetlights... I'm astounded each and every time.
• The crisp, dry Colorado air.
• Witnessing the consistent deepening of my parents faith reminded me to be grateful for the place from which I came. Inspiring.
• Spruce Confections with Em & kiddos. Ruby Scone, Belgium Chocolate Mocha. Need I say more?

Chez JAL

My friend laughed at the party description I listed in our Evite... September 25th through September 26th. Well, here I am at close to 2:30 AM on the 26th smiling at the loveliness that was our "Housewarming Shindig." We really meant it when we said come whenever! Our last guest left a mere 30 minutes ago and I'm nestled on my sofa enjoying the quiet and the memories while the dishwasher is hard at work in the background.

Many ideas spring to mind when I think of the question, "What makes a house a home?" Tonight, well actually, early this morning, I'm well-reminded that beyond the furniture, the pictures hanging on the wall, and that newly painted bedroom, people make a house a home. And, I feel more at home in this moment than I have in a month. Honestly, I feel loved. The friends that were able to come tonight made my life in this new city feel sweeter, more significant and seen. I loved how handfuls of them celebrated this amazing place of provision with us.

A favorite aspect of the party was the way several friends invited others into it with us--from Starbucks around the corner, the restaurant across the street, to their own housemates. It was awesome to say, "Welcome, make yourself at home," to people I've never laid eyes on before tonight. This is the kind of home I want to have throughout my lifetime...

I savored every second.

I Came to Leave It

Two days ago I watched as my belongings were loaded onto a truck heading southward. It's hard to believe that I'm closing this chapter on Boston. This is real. Before I know it, I'll be settled in that great new-to-me house and my things will be around me. On a level, that is comforting; it's a sweet thing to feel a sense of familiarity--even when it comes from a connection with inanimate objects. There is a lot of good in my life right now and I'm seeking to daily live with that in mind. Transitions are hard, but life moves on. The tears that welled in my eyes upon landing here Wednesday tell me that I'm still grieving. And, I'll get through this because the Lord has given me hope for the next season of my story.

I'm soaking up today, my last day for a while, in the Bean. Looking back, I don't think I knew that I could ever love it so and I hope to feel that way about Orlando sooner than later. Goodbye, Boston.

God's Kindness via My Ministry Blog: Enjoy!

Thought I'd share a story I posted on my ministry blog about how God is moving in my life here in Orlando... Providing in a way I never expected.

God's Kindness

Summer Vacation, Who Knew?

It's official... My life is changing...

Tomorrow I'm heading out to celebrate two friends in the days leading up to their wedding and the start of their life-journey. I love it. I'm praying for them--after all, what an endeavor! Faith, faith, faith. I'm proud of them for the way they've walked through their engagement, persevered in seeking to understand the other even when the differences are pronounced and the way they have loved the Lord and each other in the process. He's been leading them sweetly in the same direction.

I also get to see my cousin and her family and spend two days with one of my favorite college friends and her family. How good of the Lord to give me some time to refuel in the midst of my crazy. Yep, let's leave it at that... Crazy. Blessed, blessed, blessed.

How is my life changing? Well first, I'm actually taking vacation days which is rare for me. Typically I intermingle work in there. Second, I'm traveling sans laptop. I must say, this is the challenging aspect. The thought makes me feel free (one obvious plus: won't have to pull it out at airport security!) and strangely weighed down (what will I do with my incredibly long stopover on the way home?).

I'm planning to read a book. Or two, perhaps.

Vacation. Wow. Excited.