My Choice: Woe or Thank?

A few days ago I realized a need in my life: attitude adjustment! I'm just processing some heavier things right now and I realized (in the midst of a virus that kept me on the sofa and asleep in my bed for five days) that I was on a 'woe-is-me' spiral headed DOWNWARD. For such a positive person, I have issues. :) Honestly, I think it's easy at times to let circumstances rule my emotions and perspective. I read something that very evening that reminded me about gratitude. And, before bed, I felt *compelled* (quite literally) to jump out of bed, grab my journal and write 10 things I was thankful for that night.

I did it and found release in the action. I felt like I moved above those things concerning me (not to say that they didn't slip back into my consciousness the moment my head hit the pillow) and had something new to detour my brain towards in my considerations. And, I even thanked God for a couple things for which I don't feel very thankful right now.

Last night, I did it again. I think I'm going to turn this into a practice for the next month or so--feel free to check with me if you want. I'm excited to see how God will use this time to shape my heart toward relationship with Him. I think it'll be sweet... That's just a guess, but I hope...

Waiting (Well!)

"She was not accustomed in these days to meet troubles, small or great, with the small stock of strength her mind or body could afford. She had acquired, by long habit, the power of putting them from her until she could take them into the presence of her Lord, and there, in secret, commune with Him of all that was in her heart."

--Sarah W. Stephen 

(As published in Joy & Strength, 1993, Tileston, Mary W.)

I've recently grown weary in waiting. There are several thieves I've allowed in my life these past few months. They have stolen two important assets: my joy and my energy. I'm beginning to remember that sometimes I have to fight for my own heart when others are incapable of seeing what's happening in my stomach. When I reach the place where I feel the familiar sickness and ache in the depths of my insides, I know something is terribly amiss. I'm thankful for the knowledge. There are things to release and others of which I need to grab hold.

Waiting is never easy. Placing your trust in others equally challenging. Life, however, requires that I do both and I see this as a good reality. Though, knowing when to take action while waiting well and allowing appropriate trust is tricky. In my personal and work lives, I'm still a novice. I'm taking new ground as I grow, yet it has yet to 'feel' comfortable, safe or fun. I'd like the process to feel like this because I'd be more at ease. That said, I'm learning peace in it. (He, after all, is our Peace!)

The quote above is my hope for myself as I walk through the waiting. May I take everything to Him--commune!--finding rest in my Source and setting my body and mind (let's also add emotions) on a course toward purposeful change. Thank God that He is committed to transformation in my life.

Coco Said It... I Like It...

My friend, Joanna recently sent this quote to me. I want to remember it forever. I think Coco and I could have been good friends. :)

“I don't understand how a woman can leave the house without fixing herself up a little - if only out of politeness. And then, you never know, maybe that's the day she has a date with destiny. And it's best to be as pretty as possible for destiny.” 

--Coco Chanel--

Taking It Easy

I'm at home taking it easy again after being rear-ended on the way home from work the other day. All things considered, I'm so grateful that the accident wasn't worse--my car and I will both recover soon. That said, I'm surprised by the level of discomfort I'm feeling in my back and neck. Today, I just feel like I cannot do much which is a rarity for me. I've been in a similar type of accident before, but these injuries feel different. After dealing with two insurance companies (both were great!), I was cleared to see my faithful chiropractor... Looks like I'm going to be seeing quite a bit of him, actually.

One thing that struck me the night of the accident was that I had no idea at the start of the day, or even on my commute home, that this event would transpire. The reality of my true lack of control creeps up at times like these. I am grateful that I know God and that I can depend upon his 'knowing' in every aspect of my life. He wasn't startled by the accident. I came home to an empty house that night and thankfully, had plans with a couple friends for dinner. Both guys were super kind and made the evening end on a much higher note. It was also perfect that we met across the street from my house, so no further driving was involved. : )

In the midst of it, I'm giving myself permission to be low-key and recover. I must say, it's a little challenging for me when I feel like there is a lot to do (and there is); but then again, life is short and it is okay to take a deep breath and realize that the best thing I can do for the Lord today is listen to the body he's given me and honor the need to heal. I've even given myself permission not to respond to email. All in all, a good day.

If you are someone who prays, I'd love prayers for my back and neck. I hope to feel well again soon.

Highlights from Home

Ten months marked my longest absence from home... Ever. There is something strange about being away for so long. In part, I think I miss aspects of myself that come alive there, but it's a paradox of sorts as I know I'm living the life I'm supposed to be in at the moment, just elsewhere. In fact, I'm experiencing life profoundly these days--to no credit of my own, but all to the adoration of God who is so very, very good. Here were some highlights...

• Driving with the Rockies as the backdrop wherever I found myself.
• Experiencing Fall ... the Aspen leaves shining brilliant gold put at bay my insatiable appetite for the seasons.
• Seeing old friends; meeting new ones. So blessed to hear and know their stories...
• The golden-years friends I smiled at during a buffet lunch out with grandma and great auntie. Their warm smiles and bright-eyed responses were a precious gift. The simple desire to be seen... Wow.
• Picking lush (and organic!) tomatoes from the garden my parents planted this year. Pictured above.
• Grabbing Vietnamese food with a dear friend.
• Holding my grandmother's hands in my own and praying over her.
• The incredible night sky seen from 10-acres with no streetlights... I'm astounded each and every time.
• The crisp, dry Colorado air.
• Witnessing the consistent deepening of my parents faith reminded me to be grateful for the place from which I came. Inspiring.
• Spruce Confections with Em & kiddos. Ruby Scone, Belgium Chocolate Mocha. Need I say more?

Chez JAL

My friend laughed at the party description I listed in our Evite... September 25th through September 26th. Well, here I am at close to 2:30 AM on the 26th smiling at the loveliness that was our "Housewarming Shindig." We really meant it when we said come whenever! Our last guest left a mere 30 minutes ago and I'm nestled on my sofa enjoying the quiet and the memories while the dishwasher is hard at work in the background.

Many ideas spring to mind when I think of the question, "What makes a house a home?" Tonight, well actually, early this morning, I'm well-reminded that beyond the furniture, the pictures hanging on the wall, and that newly painted bedroom, people make a house a home. And, I feel more at home in this moment than I have in a month. Honestly, I feel loved. The friends that were able to come tonight made my life in this new city feel sweeter, more significant and seen. I loved how handfuls of them celebrated this amazing place of provision with us.

A favorite aspect of the party was the way several friends invited others into it with us--from Starbucks around the corner, the restaurant across the street, to their own housemates. It was awesome to say, "Welcome, make yourself at home," to people I've never laid eyes on before tonight. This is the kind of home I want to have throughout my lifetime...

I savored every second.

I Came to Leave It

Two days ago I watched as my belongings were loaded onto a truck heading southward. It's hard to believe that I'm closing this chapter on Boston. This is real. Before I know it, I'll be settled in that great new-to-me house and my things will be around me. On a level, that is comforting; it's a sweet thing to feel a sense of familiarity--even when it comes from a connection with inanimate objects. There is a lot of good in my life right now and I'm seeking to daily live with that in mind. Transitions are hard, but life moves on. The tears that welled in my eyes upon landing here Wednesday tell me that I'm still grieving. And, I'll get through this because the Lord has given me hope for the next season of my story.

I'm soaking up today, my last day for a while, in the Bean. Looking back, I don't think I knew that I could ever love it so and I hope to feel that way about Orlando sooner than later. Goodbye, Boston.

God's Kindness via My Ministry Blog: Enjoy!

Thought I'd share a story I posted on my ministry blog about how God is moving in my life here in Orlando... Providing in a way I never expected.

God's Kindness

Summer Vacation, Who Knew?

It's official... My life is changing...

Tomorrow I'm heading out to celebrate two friends in the days leading up to their wedding and the start of their life-journey. I love it. I'm praying for them--after all, what an endeavor! Faith, faith, faith. I'm proud of them for the way they've walked through their engagement, persevered in seeking to understand the other even when the differences are pronounced and the way they have loved the Lord and each other in the process. He's been leading them sweetly in the same direction.

I also get to see my cousin and her family and spend two days with one of my favorite college friends and her family. How good of the Lord to give me some time to refuel in the midst of my crazy. Yep, let's leave it at that... Crazy. Blessed, blessed, blessed.

How is my life changing? Well first, I'm actually taking vacation days which is rare for me. Typically I intermingle work in there. Second, I'm traveling sans laptop. I must say, this is the challenging aspect. The thought makes me feel free (one obvious plus: won't have to pull it out at airport security!) and strangely weighed down (what will I do with my incredibly long stopover on the way home?).

I'm planning to read a book. Or two, perhaps.

Vacation. Wow. Excited.

I Will Exalt You

I will exalt You
I will exalt You
I will exalt You
You are my God

My hiding place
My safe refuge
My treasure, Lord, You are
My friend and King
Anointed One
Most holy

Because You're with me
Because You're with me
Because You're with me
I will not fear

(Hillsong Church)

2 Days After My Last Post

Last night around midnight found me tossing and turning. I was feeling the stress that I so often internalize (gift!), but let's just say that it was not fun--perhaps that's why I've learned to internalize it? But, I digress. Actually, an increasing sense of panic began to spread over me regarding my recent decision to officially move to Florida. I imagined ways of escape:

I could hop a plane and be anywhere but here this weekend,
I could leave my job and start something new, but somewhere where I was known,
I could live by myself and not deal with the anxiety I'm feeling of managing the expectations of three people,
I could sell all of my belongings currently residing in storage in the Northeast and rebuild my home life somehow,
I could...

In all honesty, I didn't like most or any of these suggestions I offered to my panicky self. Ultimately, I realized they wouldn't solve my problem. I wanted to go home. Which, I promptly told the Lord a number of times. And, then I cried as I realized I still don't quite know where that is. Don't get me wrong, I know home is with Him. I'm so grateful that this is true. Yet, me, in this place of transition isn't feeling that at the moment. I'm starting over and it's settling in... deeply.

So today, I made it into the office (did I mention I've been by myself all week, suffering from a virus that has encouraged me to sleep 15-16 hours a day?). I saw real people, whom I spoke with about things. That was good. I felt myself slowly backing away from the ledge, but the tears were immediately below the surface and welled to the brim several times throughout the day.

And tonight, one of my best friends from college called. We caught up for a while and I chatted with her precious little girl on speaker phone. I was grinning from ear-to-ear. She was telling me about making lemonade today (I think it was make-believe) and what she had for dinner (chicken tetrazini--big words for such a little person!). I loved how she said my name in her goodbye--how is it that little kids can make you feel like a huge celebrity simply by saying your name?? I love it!

Back to the point... My friend asked how I was doing and I spilled about this week and how I'm feeling about the change. She reminded me that I am known; in fact, that I have friends all over the country who care about me and this little life of mine (my words, not hers : ) ). It reminded me of that Mosaic... Didn't I say I needed to keep that in mind just a couple of days ago? My life might be fragmented, but it's a good life and there are actual people (living and breathing!) who share in it with me. Good, bad and mundane.

The point of these words? I needed the reminder. I might need more, so forgive me if I drone on about this for another few posts or another couple of months. This too shall pass.

Fragmentation

Independence Day found me atop a parking garage in Orlando with others from my church community celebrating the holiday and discussing freedom. It was a great evening connecting with new people and enjoying the city (food to my soul!). At one point, I had a conversation in which I described my life as 'fragmented' and I've been thinking about it ever since. Here goes my verbal process:

Fragmented, Fragmenting, Fragments (www.thefreedictionary.com)
To break or separate (something) into fragments
To become broken into fragments

Sometimes, it feels like both; either my life is being broken into fragments or I'm becoming broken into fragments. When I moved east, as I've said here before, I wasn't logically nor emotionally aware of the consequences of my decision. I stepped out in faith, knew I was following the Lord and went for it. This time around, my perspective has changed. No longer sweetly naive to the realities of change, I am constantly aware of my choice. It's the right decision and I'm really encouraged as I see God at work, please don't misunderstand me; though, I do feel differently this time.

As I explained that night to the kind person with the listening ear, I'm starting over and my life feels like it's in three places now. Part of me is still in Colorado, most of me is in Boston and the rest has wandered down to Central Florida. DEAR friends live in each place while others reside in a variety of distant locations beyond the three, I'm finding it a challenge to keep up with my own life. How do we do it??

Fully aware that I'm not the only person living this sort of life, I'm struck by how crazy it is that we're all so interconnected and distant at once. (By the way, I know what I'm about to say has been said much more eloquently by others before me...) There's no use pointing fingers of blame at technology which made life this complicated because it also makes it this sweet. Goodbyes are no longer for good. We have the ability to hop planes, see each other online (literally and figuratively), text, call, send pictures via our phones and more. It's AMAZING. Can you believe we get to live in a time like this?

The ramifications, however, are real. Yes, I, the achiever, feel strongly that I should be able to do it all--stay connected to every person I've ever known and have yet to meet--but the more places I visit, the more I know the stories of the people I meet there, the less able I am to do it well. Perhaps this is the greatest hardship of the new move... Knowing that I'm further away from staying connected the way I desired to be at this time last year.

Another side to the issue? I now have the choice and ability to let new people into my life. This is a beautiful thing and I really do want that, but starting from, "Once upon a time there was a girl from Colorado..." feels so draining. Maybe I don't need to start there (I am an extrovert who does have a lot of words...), but, "Hi, I'm Jessica" can steal my energy just as fast as it's typically followed by, "What do you do? Where do you live? How long have you been here?" Bottom line? I just want to be known--sooner rather than later. Yet, it requires effort and it requires time.

So, here's a perspective the Lord gave me today regarding my fragmented life--the one I will carry with me when the waves of uncertainty rise in moments where I feel so out of place--again, not a new idea: A Mosaic. All of these fragments, the pieces from various places and people in my life are beautifully melded together creating a picture I cannot see this side of Heaven; but prayerfully, a picture that brings glory to God who has led me so faithfully along this path, provided so lavishly for this daughter who loves Him and would go anywhere because I know He is good, and simply sits at His feet wondering at His ability to make the pieces add up to something whole.

Seriously Unscheduled

A few minutes ago I pulled up my trusty online calendar and began inserting details for the coming weeks. At times, I'm the type of person who feels discouraged looking at what is ahead because it all seems to transpire too quickly. I experience powerlessness in its passing. It is not that I want to save my life; rather, I want to savor life and have lacked the skills required to engage in my longing to reestablish a whole-life. Thankfully, this year has changed that immensely.

What I noticed as I glanced through each of the remaining months of 2010 was a supreme lack of detail marking out my days and weeks. While I have a feeling this state of being will not last long, I gaped at those empty squares dedicated to unfilled days, feeling a rush of fascination and fear. I do not remember a time in the past six years where there was so much emptiness, openness, or opportunity (I'm still undecided on which to choose) in my schedule.

I'm wondering tonight how these moments of life will transpire. What does God have in store? Who are the people with whom I will spend them? How can I choose to engage and invest in a way I've never imagined?

Exciting, right?

The Ants Go Marching One by One--No Hurrah Here

There are ants all over the townhouse I'm staying at for the first part of my summer. I discovered them the other day when a few of them determined to bite my ankle. So, I did what any new resident without proper resources would do: I sprayed some kitchen cleaner on the ones I could see and called it good for the night. I couldn't get over how small and seemingly harmless they appeared; I now beg to differ. 

Sadly, this didn't solve the issue as I awoke the next morning and sleepily, not to mention contact-and-glasses-free, made my way into the kitchen to make coffee. They'd thrown a party in the middle of the floor--thank the Lord I actually saw them! Probably 75-100 new little friends blocked my way from sink to counter. This sent me into a cleaning frenzy and I quickly vacuumed them up (more humane?) and proceeded to do the same to all of the tile floors to ensure no crumb was left to be discovered by any of their relatives.

Have I mentioned that I'm in the middle of a huge transition? Exhausted? Wondering how my new full-time life here in Florida is going to turn out especially as most of my friends are not here at present? Living out of boxes and suitcases?

Later that day, more ants. This time upstairs in the master bath. You'd think I'd head directly to the store and buy the Ortho, but no, I kept doing it 'my way' (mostly because I couldn't find the energy to deal). Big surprise: it hasn't worked. Regardless of how many ants I squash, spray with one version of household cleaner or another and even yes, in my weak moments, curse them, they've determined to stay put. In fact, late this afternoon, I was hastily getting ready for my small group and happened to notice bunches (!!!) of them in the master bedroom on the carpet and on the nightstand. Needless to say, I was late.

So tonight, I popped into Publix in Thorton Park after my small group ended. Knowing that even a small taste of the city would give my spirit some lift, I enjoyed the fleeting minutes I spent searching for the right tools to take care of my new roommates. Then, I headed far away from the city toward my home of the next weeks and yep, I cried.

Do you ever feel like the last straw has been pulled for you and you're totally out of control? This would be me at the moment.

Thankfully, I came home to a friend who listened to me rant about the day for a few minutes before I began spraying Ortho like a lunatic and strategically setting up ant traps. It was extremely cathartic. The point? Well, I'm still trying to figure that out, but somehow I think it has something to do with what I do when I reach the end of myself. Not that there's a lesson to be had in everything, but these ants have been a great reminder that I'm in need of mercy and grace as I move through this transition. They're sort-of representative of the chaos that exists inside me and how it keeps showing up in new and unexpected places. Though it's annoying and frustrating I guess I'm trying to make the best of it, doing what I can as I'm able. 

Generosity: Not for the Stingy of Heart

What would be generous?

Four simple words mobbed with meaning. It's a question I've begun asking myself recently and I'm finding it to be quite the challenge. Last week my roommates and I were packing up our apartment; I noticed that things were moving slowly. There came a moment when it hit me that we'd never be out on time unless I picked up my pace in order to be available to clean once my belongings were safely stowed. So, I did.

The next day, I finished and cleaned my room then turned my attention to the common spaces. I was in the middle of clearing and wiping out our kitchen cabinets when a wave of bitterness began to rise. Thoughts like, "I knew this would happen," and "They don't even care that I am stepping in to do more,"  raced through my mind. Standing over the kitchen sink, I allowed my rantings to continue and quietly, I heard Him... "You don't have to do all of this, you're choosing to..."

I stopped in my tracks as the warm water washed over my hands... Heart surgery. I argued that I did need to do this - we'd never be done on time. I was thinking of the people responsible for checking on our apartment to ensure it was left as required. They already had so much on their plates without our lack of care or concern about their work to get everyone out on time. I didn't want to take advantage.

Next I began to think about the way I communicate a high value on generosity in all aspects of my life. Wouldn't it be generous to clean our apartment to bless my roommates? That would certainly show kindness and love as they only had a few hours left to move their belongings. Was it really so hard for me to clean? After all, I love to clean! (Really, I am that person.)

God, in His goodness, also reminded me in those moments that being generous outwardly did not change the reality of what He saw and experienced in my heart. Oh, stingy, stingy heart. He, as He always is, was right. Generosity doesn't depend upon my outward deeds, but pours out through a heart that is in right relationship with Him.

Relationship. Yes, that's what this is all about, isn't it?

Not only were my relationships with my roommates (as an aside: roommates whom I completely adore!) affected by what was taking place in my inner life, but also my relationship with God. The One who spared nothing, including His Son, that I might be free and have life!! SUCH generosity! Who was I to withhold this very minuscule act of generosity through a growing inward bitterness?

Both roommates later told me how grateful they were for the extra work I did to get us out of that apartment. The sweetness of their gratitude fell heavy upon my heart as I considered what had taken place between the Lord and I. It has been another good picture of the need I have for the Gospel and the mercy of God.

What does it mean to walk in generosity in my finances, work, service, relationships, with my belongings, time, gifts and beyond? 

May I have a growing awareness that God has given me everything and I now have the opportunity to employ my freedom as a blessing to others. Inwardly, I choose to give it all away. Outwardly, I do. 

How can I live out His generosity today?

Beyond Stint

Sitting in my half-empty room today, I'm thinking about transitions. My life has been full of them this year. Stint is officially over, the safety net gone, the apartment will be a distant memory beginning tomorrow and then what? I suppose I'll begin the process of actually adjusting to my new life. Well, maybe Saturday.

Like the Orlando nights filled with thick humidity-fog (I've never actually heard it called that, but I think I'll use it), I peer beyond the darkness and find the Lord opening new doors of promise up ahead. I'm waiting in anticipation and yet, I'm still very tired. I imagine the weariness will follow me around for a while longer to remind me that it is good to live at rest, walk at rest, work at rest. So Jesus, I am resting, resting...

Something I don't wish to pack away in any of these boxes is the brightness of my time with Him this year. I didn't want to forget from whence I came; today, I've turned my attention to remembering Him. Pray that I faithfully trust Him, look to Him, depend upon Him, long for Him and love Him. He is nearer, dearer and sweeter...

The Post to Help Me Remember Matthew 11:28-30

Lake Hart Stint 11 ends in a couple of weeks. This reality is exhilarating and simultaneously disconcerting. There has been a safety net beneath me for nearly ten months as I have processed my life openly before God and a few close friends. The process has been painful and sweet, yet an enormous amount of grace has been shown to me. Looking back on these months, friends tell me that they experience me differently... in a good way. I cannot feel anything but gratitude to the Lord for bringing me to the other side of what I've just been through. Deep places of need have surfaced and He tells me to rest as today I wonder: Will the changes remain?

In light of that, I felt that I needed to publish a poem here to remind myself that I do not want to return from whence I came. Regardless of who reads this blog, I find that putting this out there publicly serves as a help to continue to trust God with next growth steps. Interestingly enough, I wrote this on September 30, 2008. I think it was one of the catalysts for me to begin to see what was really going on inside. At that time, I could not have imagined how God would meet me, but He has in ways that have been profound and significant. He is truly good.

And, you can ask me how I'm doing if you want... I'm open to people coming alongside me as I step into my new role and season of life with the Lord and others here in Orlando: resting, listening, receiving, responding and giving.

Losing Sight

Running, I'm running
Running my course
A treadmill unending, lacking refuge

One day I realize
I'm sick of my game
Losing capacity; my sense:
'All is in vain'

Wondering:
What's next?...
How can I get off?...
-Of this traveling treadmill-
When is my stop?

I've sought their approval
I've established my name
I'm weary, so tired
it is such a shame
Motivation is gone
Lights' drained from my eyes
Can anyone sense I'm dying inside?

Running, I'm running
Running my course...
I've completely lost sight of my life-giving Source.

An Unexpectedly Wonderful Day

Saturday.

Noon. Found my way out of the house; packed my writing notebook, Message version Bible, Journal, and book my Sphere is reading this summer...

1:30PMish. After driving through some sketchy parts of the city, praying for God to bring His Kingdom and restore the broken (what sweet time!), I landed at Infusion Tea in College Park for a bit.

Ran into Brenda from my department, met her friend, Jan and then found a window seat at a high top table to spend some quiet time.

I wrote about some broken places in my life and reflected on how I have experienced growth, even when it doesn't appear that way. A dear friend, Megan and I caught up via phone and prayed before hanging up. She encouraged me immensely. Read two chapters in my Sphere book, The Furious Longing of God, by Brennan Manning. It make me think and smile.

3:45 PM. Off to another adventure. A new friend highly recommended a photography exhibit downtown... SNAP, so I decided to go.

4:05 PM. Parked and meandered toward the gallery I visited last weekend to better understand the lay of the land. Happened upon a wine/food festival there. Popped into the gallery, asked some questions, discovered the main event didn't occur until 7 PM (Hummm... 3 hours to kill?) and took some time to look at the pieces they had in their possession.

Was challenged by the story one photographer told about a mobile home park here in Florida. The residents chose to live there and LOVED it. Their perspective on beauty had so much more to do with people than with things. I admired them and soaked in the images.

And, I looked to my left, and there was Jenn from Status. She and a friend popped into the gallery while waiting to meet others who were attending the festival outside.

We chatted briefly and then they left; I continued my tour. I found myself in the front of the gallery talking with Donna, a painter who volunteered there. We talked about the importance of our humanity and what we can learn from people like those in the mobile home park.

She kindly offered me a free pass to the wine/food festival outside! And, we said our goodbyes and I went on my way.

5:30 PM. I took in the crowds of people and wandered through the booths. Sipped some vino, ate tiny food and felt hot under the late afternoon sun. In one line, I met Tommy who gave me a hard time about being at the festival on my own. A psychotherapist in town who oversees the hospital wards, he shared briefly of the depth of pain that kids that he and his staff encounter experience in life. It reminded me to be grateful.

He introduced me to his friends, Ian and Tim. We chatted for a few minutes and they asked what I was up to -- I told them I was passing the time until the exhibit opened at 7 PM and how I had happened upon the festival. They couldn't believe I got in for free. I told them I must have a way with people. ;)

We said our goodbyes with the hope that perhaps we'd reconnect later --potentially at the exhibit--he sweetly kissed my cheek and I wished them a great afternoon.

5:45 PM. A bit more navigation required, I finally found a local coffee shop where some local musicians were setting up to play. I sat at a bar of sorts with my iced peppermint mocha (delightful!!), pulled out my journal and thought I'd spend some time processing on paper the thoughts swirling in my mind from the last 36 hours.

I wrote for quite a while and decided to go back and remember... The entries varied and I saw how I longed to connect with God and be changed by Him. The hardest to read? October 20, 2009. That was the day I felt "done" with Him and laid it all out there. I was in so much pain... The redeeming thing about October 20, 2009, however, was that my relationship with God was forever altered -- in a good way. Had this day never occurred, I would not be who I am and where I am now.

7:05 PM. A guy named Shaun sat down by me at the counter. He asked what I was doing and I told him I was remembering. He asked if I was a writer. I actually said "Yes." (Who knew it was in me to begin to admit it to perfect strangers!) He asked some personal questions about the writing and I was able to answer. I wasn't sure what he was going after, so I cautiously went along. I told him about God and how that's my foundation. He and his sister, Megan (a college student in S. FL who was visiting her big brother for the weekend) were participating in the festival and he asked what I was up to. I told him I was heading to a photography exhibit and he said, "Why don't we all go together?"

And so we did. Trust me, I was being safe, but I can imagine this might sound unsafe.

So we went. Taking in the different perspectives, we discussed what they meant and honestly, after a while, the vibe I was getting from him made me determine that I needed to head out sooner than later.

I enjoyed interacting with Seth who showed us a new technology that projects images, film and the like from a device the size of an iPhone... Pretty cool stuff. And, just a few other people that I didn't officially meet, but interacted with throughout the exhibit space.

I was able to move along on my own after expressing that I needed to get going to meet up with some friends back home. And, in the process, found my way up the stairs to the last part of the exhibit. Probably one of my favorite rooms.

9:20 PM. At the end of the day and on my drive home, I understood what a unique and special day the Lord had given me. I met so many people throughout its course - some known, some unknown - and was able to share about the Kingdom in small ways. What an encouraging time and what a beautiful way to spend a day.

The Last Will Be First

I came across an online photo today of a woman lying in a bed, her small body had nothing to it. Standing over this frail one, was another woman, very healthy in appearance, reaching out her hand to touch her. As I sat with the image for a minute, the thought that permeated my mind was this: that woman should go before me in the Kingdom.

Jesus' words hit me like a ton of bricks, "But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first." ( Speaking about the Kingdom in Matthew 19:30.) How often do I desire to be 'first' in life? As an American, it is often my expectation, not simply a privilege or blessing. When I approach life and people this way, I am wrong. And, it takes a moment of introspection to see it most clearly.

Compared with the myriad of sufferers in the world (...not seeking to invalidate my own suffering, yet desiring God to enlarge my perspective), my suffering is minimal. There is so much pain in the world. The reality that some believers (notwithstanding, the unbelievers around the globe) don't have clean water, proper nourishment, shelter, medicine, religious freedoms and more, humbles me in a way I cannot properly express.

Today, I feel grateful that God will honor others ahead of me. It is appropriate and loving.

Perceiving the Potluck: An Invitation

Tonight at Status we had an ol' fashioned Potluck. After finishing up my paintings earlier in the afternoon, I spent the next few hours wrestling over the decision to go or not. Here's the thing: I've been out of town (and honestly, out of sorts this year on the Stint) and made a commitment to myself following my last trip to be present at Status (the community of believers I'm engaging with here in Orlando). However, the friend I typically attend with was not able to go tonight.

So all afternoon I wrestled. I knew the Lord wanted me to go and I found myself wondering if it would be okay to outright disobey and head out with some friends who had other ideas for the evening. In the midst of this, I texted two others... Not going. Even though I enjoy people, it felt pretty intimidating to go by myself since we'd be having this Potluck and certainly sitting around tables with strangers or something of the sort. Every insecure place inside me rose to the occasion and I reasoned, "Well, the Lord loves me and will forgive me if I don't listen..." Right?

It's true, He would do that, but I would MISS out on something He had for me.

Long story, still long? I went. By God's mercy (truly, that's absolutely it!), another friend agreed to go with me to be my wing-woman. I told the Lord that He didn't have to provide in that way, but I was so grateful that He did. He's so stinkin' kind to me.

On my way there, I dropped into a store to grab something I might contribute. I found some crackers, meat and cheese, hopped in the car making it there early. (Can't remember the last time that happened now that I think of it.) And, yep, I was so glad that I listened to the Lord. Everything from the table-time to the message was so poignant and timely. Cole is continuing a series called Awaken the Dawn and continued sharing about spiritual maturity tonight utilizing the metaphor: Buffet v. Potluck. It was so encouraging and challenging.

The bottom line of what he talked about was that we want to live a Potluck lifestyle when it comes to our spiritual growth and maturity...

1. The table is empty: we approach with something to offer (note to self: let the Lord shower grace upon you when you find yourself apologizing for what you have to offer... like you did tonight with what you brought for the Potluck. Sad, but true in my life - this spoke volumes!)
2. Many people can contribute to a potluck--actually its SO much better with many than with a few.
3. A potluck is full of flavor; people bring part of who they are to the equation, it's diverse and delicious.
4. Potlucks are risky (as a Germaphobe, I LOVED this point :) ); you don't know what you're going to get, so you step out on a limb--we're able to risk because we're surrounded by people who love us.
5. A call to generosity; if we didn't give of ourselves, the table would be empty.
6. We participate and therefore, we grow! We don't simply approach and consume, but we are empowered to contribute.

Another positive? Ask my family, they'll affirm this... I hate buffets!! ; )

On a more serious note, as we looked at many passages in Scripture throughout the evening, I was reminded how high a value God places on our growth and maturity. For me, the Lord continues to affirm His desire that I step from fear to faith in several big areas of my life, trusting Him because He loves me. The post from earlier today gives a glimpse of some of those fears. I hear the Lord inviting me to join Him in a sweeter place -- a place of freedom -- and I really want to follow Him as He leads me there.

In the Face of Fear

Artists I know understand something about the process. The initial inspiration leads them to action and by some means unknown to me, most would say that the product is not what they originally envisioned, but better. Though I try to internalize the greatness of how it seems to work, I struggle with the reality.

If you know me, you know that I thrive on the messy and love to solve problems with excellence. A perfectionist and yes, Type A (me in a box!), I have a tendency to procrastinate until I know I can do something well. As a result, the creative process can feel like torture to me. I love the idea of expressing myself, engaging with the Lord and experiencing His truth as I write, draw or paint; yet, all of these forms of artistry take a toll because I can't know how it will turn out in the end. And, if I'm honest, I don't know how open I am to feeling this 'seen'. I am afraid.

As I type, I'm also reminded of how this comparison relates to people--you cannot control them, you must listen and temper your expectations of what's coming next. Uncertainty is the only certainty you're guaranteed. Intimacy comes when you are vulnerable and let them close enough to see the cracks and they do the same. This, too, is scary.

Today I sat down and actually completed two smallish paintings. Shockingly, I found myself reveling in the process throughout the whole of the morning! I smiled and teared up as I realized it mid-stroke. And, who knows if they're even any good--though, it really doesn't matter... I like them.

It feels brave.

In the Land of Women...

My roommate and I were in the "I'm not up for going out on the town", aka Friday, sort of mood tonight, so I popped over to the new frozen yogurt place across the way, grabbed treats and headed back to introduce her to one of my favorite films. I don't think I've written about it here before...

Each of the ten (+) times I've watched In the Land of Women, I find myself reflecting and thinking about life. Such a poignant, funny, sad and truly beautiful story erupts as a young guy from LA runs from his present reality, finding an unexpectedly safe haven in a small Michigan neighborhood where he takes time to care for his ailing grandmother. Two key characters, a mother and daughter living across the street, bring their own issues to bear as they spend time with him.

In the film everyone works to conceal something, but the thing they think is hidden is actually known. They just don't know that it's known. Confusing enough for you? Each time I watch it I'm reminded of the chaos existing in my own heart. What do I do with my pain? The characters handle pain differently. We see them running from it, medicating it, filling the void with things like relationships and busyness, or utterly suppressing it.

However, the sweetness comes in the honest moments. Each of them wants to be known; each takes risks, engages, fails, forgives. I love how messy it is -- I don't always understand or agree with their choices, but I 'get' the chaos, the pain.  I never experience a sense of resolution as the credits roll, but I do feel strangely inspired. And though I have seen it many times, I'm still trying to put my finger on the 'why'.

Free: Amazing Hymns Album! Yes, Please.

 
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Would I Give Up High Heels?

In my world these last years, I have become fond of a description I ascribe to myself regarding my obsession with high heels... I am my 'true-intended height' when I wear them. God made me 5'4.5", but created men who would make shoes that would take me to the 5'7" or 5'8" that He intended. It was kind of the Lord to do this for me, don't you think?

A recent conversation with a friend has called into question (in a nice, non-judgmental, but making-me-think-sort-of-way) if part of the obsession exists so I might better fit into a daydream I carry around about marrying a very tall man. Yep, that sounds as funny as I expected - ridiculous perhaps? But honestly, when she said this to me on Saturday, I thought, "Hummm...." There is something in me that really desires to feel small and protected in a relationship. I've continued to mull this over wondering what I really do hope for in the person I marry... Another friend, recently engaged, shared just two weeks before how her fiance came in a 'package' she didn't expect, yet how tremendously well-suited they are for another. Was this the Lord preparing me to think this through a bit more?

And Saturday, this question was posed, "Jess, would you give up high heels?" Let's talk about this: "what if" I met a godly man, passionately pursuing and building God's Kingdom, a great communicator who loved me enough to encourage me toward the Lord in life, was growing in grace and truth, and was not what I have envisioned outwardly? What if I towered over him when I wore my heels and that was strange for him? Could I wear flats 'til death do us part? Part of me says, "EEK!"...

Let's just say that I'm still in process with the latter (aka, 'Wow, this is harder to consider than I ever imagined'), but seeking to let the Lord inform my future because I know that He is truly good -- Who knew a girls' high heels could be such a big deal?

New Roots

There is this beautiful ocean pathway along the Atlantic in Maine called the Marginal Way. Walking along it, you can't help but breathe in the salt of the ocean and spot the gulls at play. I don't remember a single thing about its history or even the details of the times I walked it, but I have this photo hanging in a white frame against the textured white wall of my bedroom that I took on one of those treks that shows a lovely leaf-covered tunnel, colored with New England's finest fall colors. I remember the man at the photo printing store (yes, this was prior to the digital age) telling me that the bottom was a bit blurry and it was probably the result of some residue on my camera lens at the time I snapped the picture. (That doesn't have much to do with what I'm about to say, but I'll allow it to serve as my little tangent memory for the post.)

At any rate, I feel like life has gone a bit pear-shaped over the past two weeks (thank you Sweet Home Alabama for that way of looking at life when its messy); I feel out of sorts which has much to do with a complete week of crazy two weeks back, then the following seven days I limited the insanity, yet presently suffer from an overwhelming sense of depletion. Five friends have called that I need to catch up with--I can't bring myself to respond, I keep thinking that a work-out will help--I'm immobilized from shear indecision, I know I'd feel better if I just took care of the cluttered stacks of  paper around my room--but really, why would I want to file today? So, I'm productively staring at the wall and find my gaze settling on this photograph while my memory meanders back to the time I moved to Boston.

I don't remember questioning the decision or even feeling super concerned about the lack of relationships I had in the Northeast  (Oh, let's think... None). Yet, I've just made a decision to stay in Florida -- details to come in the nearer future -- and I think what I'm experiencing is loss. It is very normal to face this with any major change in life, but I think it snuck up on me. I'm really excited about the 'why' when it comes to staying; but the meaning of the change isn't lost on me this time around. I'm not going back to my relationships, my apartment, my city, the Charles River, my favorite restaurants, the seasons, the Public Garden, my office (with the door!), the Red Line, my church... I've already left.

I have to grow new roots. It's like the tunnel in the picture: it is really beautiful to look at, but I'm unsure if I want to walk into and through it. What if I don't like what is on the other side? The pathway is a bit blurry at the bottom and my uncertainty, in the midst of faith, grows.

Two months ago, I was talking with the president of my organization about the outcomes of following the Lord and how I previously grew so close to a community of friends who became my 'family' in Boston. He compassionately said that perhaps it was indeed time for me to establish roots with a new family. At the time, I remember thinking this was true and it really is now.

Praying to thrive where I'm planted. And so goes the story of laying new roots.

March 18: It's Tourney Time!!

The most wonderful time of my year has arrived... Days and nights filled with nothing but NCAA Men's Basketball. Truth be told, my life is altered as I make plans around the games I "must see"! And, I relish it. I love fan-ship, cheering my team on, competing in the bracket challenges with friends (and hopefully beating them!); and, even when it marks death for my bracket, I hanker for a good Cinderella story. It's the fodder from which dreams are made and brings us hope because, at heart, we all love an underdog!

Let the Madness begin!

Unmet Expectations and Social Media: Danger Zone

Yesterday I accepted a friend request on Facebook from a woman I met at a social outing. Today, I was taken aback when I logged on and saw her status update in my news-feed... She was publicly berating her husband. I won't share details of what she communicated, but here I am, unable to sleep and still thinking about it.

At the core, I think she was really disappointed. The sadness therein likely played out in hurt, then anger. It sounded as though her husband played a role beyond what occurred initially which escalated the issue. They both contributed.

Why am I continuing to mull it over?

Part of me feels so sad for her husband. What would it be like to log on to Facebook and see your failure? The reality that she highlighted this openly is hard for me to stomach. Even though I'm not married, friends have helped me gain a small understanding of what this does to a man... She publicly stripped him of something significant today.

My other reflection has been focused on her disappointment. Her husband did not meet a need for her and it seems to have magnified all else. He let her down and it triggered something inside of her. There is genuine validity for the need she experienced -- there's something much deeper going on in her heart. The reality of what she did with the disappointment is another thing altogether.

Lately, I've been weighing the power of my own words (perhaps even in light of my last post and wanting to ensure I provided a fairly balanced perspective in my thinking). In my life, I've experienced the truth of this verse: "Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit -- you choose." (Proverbs 18:21) What we do with them matters. Perhaps I don't "air my dirty laundry" on Facebook, but what she put out there for all to see happens regularly in my heart. I am not immune and I must remember it.

Perhaps a question or two to ask in the near future:

What is my motivation for posting "this" publicly?
What is really going on in my heart?

Also, a good principle I was reminded of today: HALT: Stopping to ask some of these key questions can help us make better decisions especially when things feel out of control emotionally.

Hungry: What do I really need right now?
Angry:   What is really upsetting me and how can I fix it?
Lonely:  Who or what will fill my need for companionship right now?
Tired:    What is a healthy way to increase my energy right now?

Forget Los Angeles?

So I've been thinking...

What is it about men in the context of a Christian subculture of sorts that leads them to become excessively cautious when it comes to relationships? Or, on a much less risky level, the fear of offering a mere compliment to a female friend because of what it could communicate?

I know, I know. We women like to immediately jump into our fantasy-island-land and picture the guy on our first date, then the proposal (he tells us he CANNOT POSSIBLY live without us), our wedding day (we look STUNNING; he thinks so, too!) and our happily ever after where the children (if we have them) think we're amazing, we never fight, we have it all together and the story fades into the backdrop with the well-known sunset and feel good music (perhaps Michael Buble's "Haven't Met You Yet" - we'll see the irony in the lyric as we're so enraptured by the beauty of the story we've just witnessed?)... Whew.

This is what happens when girlfriends get together to shoot the breeze - probably a scary idea for most guys. : ) We, however, do WONDER about these weird realities and where they come from...

Perhaps we've placed too much pressure on guys to have it figured out when really, we know you don't (have it figured out, that is). This doesn't come from a bitter place, actually, rather one filled with compassion. Or perhaps, we continue (in our lovely female way) to give some guys more credit than is due because they know, as do their male friends, that they are afraid and it immobilizes them.

THAT said, we, females, have MAJOR issues, too... Let's not lose sight of that in this moment. (Remember, fantasy-island-land!... If I were a man, I'd be afraid...)

I have been thinking about this since returning from LA last weekend. A strange thing happened there... I actually met Christian guys that were both engaging, handsome, and fun. They weren't scared of me. They asked me questions, made eye contact (what!?!), were kind, even forthright and seemingly mature. (Basis for "seemingly" as used in the last sentence: I don't know much more than the first impression allowed, so I can't comment beyond this, nor they about me for that matter...)

The one remarkable thing I took with me (as I headed back into the, sometimes strange, subculture I live in) was the real sense of being a woman. They behaved like men and in turn, I felt noticed, interesting and yes, even attractive. It was awesome and encouraging.

No wonder I want to move to Los Angeles A.S.A.P. ;)

Watching, Learning, Living Freely & Lightly

 ^{Matthew 11:28-30}"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." 

This passage has become all too familiar over the past couple of years. I feel like the Lord keeps bringing me back to it; it's where I found myself again today while spending the afternoon focused on personal development in 70+ degree weather, poolside. (Yes, my life is pretty amazing on a few levels this year... I just wish I could come to love Orlando in some way.)

Early Sunday I returned from Los Angeles where I spent a few days interviewing some field volunteers, interns and staff for a huge organizational project. While away, I had the opportunity to process some of the ways the Lord has been at work in my life this year. One obvious way is the change from my post last fall to the one I wrote the other week. Beyond that, however, I have begun to see the freedom God is instilling in my heart regarding my life and future. In walking with Jesus and watching how he does things, I am seeing that he really wants me to live. Truly he has been helping me to recover my life.

Sunday night I walked into an altered auditorium space at church; the chairs were replaced with 'stations' with descriptions like Service, Prayer, Confession and more. My first response was, "Get me out of here!" I'm still new to this church and feel like the simple act of showing up on Sunday night is a step of faith. When Cole, who was teaching that night, explained the evening -- he asked us to consider where the Lord might want us to first engage -- I gave in and chose to oblige.

At one station (Solitude), I was able to ask the Lord what I was holding on to that I needed to release back to his care. Relationships. Eye opening. I spent some time at Silence and Sabbatical, seeking to posture my heart to hear. Finally, I headed out to Prayer. That station encouraged us to ask the Lord about the dreams he has placed in our hearts. I grabbed the piece of paper and found a spot alone against a wall. Sitting quietly, I asked the Lord what it was that he wanted me to remember about these dreams. I filled the page.

It was a sweet time with him because I see the Lord changing the way I'm viewing what he might have in store for me -- not in the sense of the mission itself or building His Kingdom, but how he wants me to participate in that. It was in Hollywood last week that I was inspired (!) for the first time in quite some time by the way he's working. I'm beginning to ask him what dreams he's placed in me that I've allowed to fall to the wayside in my attempts to determine my own safe outcomes and create a place in my life where I'm moving higher in leadership, yet lacking vision for those advances.

The reality is that I need him to show me. I don't want to miss what he has for me because I'm too afraid to step out and live in light of his call. A few weeks ago, a guy came and spoke to our national leaders on organizational change. One of the things that stayed with me was this:

"The fruit is out on the branches; we cannot reach it by staying by the trunk."

It's risky to step out on those branches to reach the fruit. The question I've been asking myself since then is this: What's the alternative?

I suppose this is why we Christians continue to say that walking with Jesus is an adventure... It is. And, because it is the greatest and most worthy undertaking in life, it is both terrifying and exhilarating. Thankfully, I have a good teacher to show me the ropes. Lead on, Lord: I'm following you.

New Perspective, New Post

We're still in the midst of winter and I don't even know if the Groundhog saw his shadow. It's warm here in Florida and, with the exception of some rain showers the past few days, the sun is shining. This is probably the kindest of February's I've experienced in years. Disappointments shared here months ago are not necessarily resolved, but my heart is... Once again, I'm choosing to trust.

John of the Cross, a Spanish believer and spiritual pilgrim, referred to times like the one I've been walking through as "the dark night of the soul" - there's a consciousness regarding the depth of pain we experience when all of our hopes in God do not add up to the reality of what we see and understand. The process has been challenging to sit in, but I'm grateful that I've chosen to be still. The value to my soul? Immeasurable.

I've been praying for years that I would more fully experience what the Apostle Paul talks about in Ephesians 3:

"...that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height--
to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." (emphasis mine)

I think these recent months, and even the past several years, are a clear answer to this prayer. While it seems counter-intuitive and even cruel, I am coming to understand that in order to experience God's love in this way, I must be wounded by Him first. John of the Cross talks about this in his writings. When I first read it, my anger increased and I felt a greater measure of despondency. How could God choose to wound me further? Wasn't the struggle and disappointment severe enough?

And now, I see more clearly. In my life I have set up systems and structures that act as "workarounds" to deal with the brokenness. I'm more dependent upon these than I am upon God who loves me deeply and sent His Son to free me from this very thing. I've been coping my whole life. 

The answers? I don't know them all or even most or some.

What I do know:
I am present.
I am listening.
I am in it.
I am not alone.
My hope is in God.