Make a Cup of Coffee

Do you ever suffer from an internal low-grade pressure? The kind which seems to speak: "Do. Do something. Make something happen!" What happens when you don't know what to do or how to make the thing you're thinking of happen? I've been considering these questions today as I've felt the pressure rise inside again. The past ten days I've been wondering about next steps and how they happen. Plus, what about all of these people involved (and the many opinions that accompany many people)? I've lacked focus and I've felt restless.

I woke up Friday morning and in the quiet first moments of the day, sensed the Lord saying, "You could take the next few days off..." I've been wanting to schedule a few consecutive days of rest, but each time I consulted my calendar, the time appeared to be at least two weeks away. But, He was right... I had no commitments over the weekend personally, if I took Sunday off and completed a few things Friday morning to free up the rest of the day, I could have 3.5 days! So, I did it.

Friday evening a friend joined me for a low-key evening in, complete with dinner and a movie. Saturday I stayed home again. I watched another movie and a few episodes of a favorite TV show. I mowed the lawn. I ran an errand. I think I napped? Sunday, I decided to go out of town overnight and booked a hotel on the Gulf Coast. Minus the adventure I created for myself by forgetting my purse (including cash, cards and identification) at home, two hours from where I'd just driven, it was a refreshing weekend. Who said grown-ups don't need their parents? Mine laughed with me and generously wired me money so I could eat more than the two granola bars, plum and four baby carrots I had remaining in my snack stash. Thanks Mom and Dad! (Not to mention, thanks to the kind people at the hotel who allowed me to check in...) I took a walk on the beach, ate Cuban food, spent time with the Lord, ate ice cream, laid out the next morning... In all, it was grand.

So today I've been feeling the pressure again. It goes something like this... "Jessica, you need to get it together and make these things happen. You need to be more creative. You need to have a plan for where you're going and know how to get there... What are you going to tell people? Why would anyone follow you unless you have a comprehensive plan? You have to prove you're worth it to the team..." Once I acknowledged this voice in my head, I was able to recognize something... In the past few years, God has been teaching me a significant lesson and it goes like this: Be Still.  Everything this voice was saying was encouraging the opposite. In fact, I felt panic rise. I wondered how badly I was failing. I wondered how disposable I would become if I couldn't get it together to be brilliant and perfect. What lies.

The truth is, God wants me to give every part of who I am to Him. The sweetest seasons these past few years have come as I've sat with Him and waited. I've asked questions. I've listened (often as I read His Word He begins speaking things to me from there about direction and ideas...). I've moved when He has indicated it is the time to begin. And the cool thing? There's been good fruit. Some days I can't see it well, but it's okay. As I'm walking with Jesus, fully giving myself to Him and enjoying Him, He does things I can't picture at the starting line. He exceeds my expectations of what I thought possible -- always. I need to see this, too. I need to remember because the way He works is very different than the way the world invites me to work.

The hard part? He gets the credit. Of course, that's actually wonderful... But, my pride struggles with it at times. If I'm honest, I still see myself wanting to build my own kingdom. I still see myself wanting to be thought of in a way where others respect me, want me around, see me as a vital part of the team because of what I contribute. That's where this "prove your worth" mentality comes in. When I forget that what He asks of me is to give myself to Him -- not just what I do, but every aspect of who I am -- so He can move in and through me, I live under this invisible pressure. He is not the source of this pressure. The thing is, I don't have to live there. It's totally my choice.

So today, instead of sitting under it, I heard the Lord. I heard Him tell me He loves me. I heard Him say He knows the steps. I heard Him say He has the ideas. And, I heard Him invite me to make a cup of coffee. So, I did. And, it's grand. It's so good to remember that He is God. It's so good to remember that He'll give me what I need to do what He wants me to do. It's so good to remember that my role is to listen and obey. (Oh, and don't forget enjoy!! He's absolutely wonderful and worth spending time with, you know?)

My Heart Is Here: Two Years Later

Two years ago at this time I was hurting. A relational disappointment (to say it mildly) painted the landscape of life and work whisked me away to Colorado for the summer. I oversaw a design research process focused on recent grads and we hoped the information we compiled and analyzed would make a lasting impact on the organization. I spent days and days with the mountains as my backdrop again for the first time in a handful of years. The familiar environment which shaped me from my youngest of years brought great comfort as I poured myself into work and pressed in to healing. I lived life around the corner from some of my best friends -- that alone met a need I didn't know the depth of and provided a safe space to exhale and process all that had just taken place.

The Lord took me in to the cavern of an old grief -- a relationship which meant the most to me out of all those I'd had in my life. My sadness was profound. I couldn't understand why, after all of those years, I had to go back to that particular story. I thought I'd grieved it fully, but my tears literally showered me with fresh understanding... It still wasn't finished in my heart. The drops were the largest I'd seen fly from my eyes and they came regularly. Daily, my belly felt the weight of my sadness, my loss.

Every time it rained, it seemed God pointed my eyes to the rainbow which followed as if to say, "See... Remember... My promises are true." Jesus, a man of sorrows, acquainted with deep grief became my companion in the midst of my struggle to believe God at His word. I looked at those rainbows which frequently appeared in my path and wept time and again. How could He mean it? What was this pain I was walking through again? Why rehash it now when the thing was long-dead?

Our staff conference started and for the first time ever, I found myself completely secure to sit alone. I made my way in to the arena on my schedule and found a quiet place on the floor where I could be with Him. At times, I'd find a friend to sit with, but more than not I found tremendous solace in being 'by myself' (in a room of 6,000...). I felt like I had a lot of questions for the Lord two years ago, yet I sat quietly in the enormous space longing to simply sit with Him. I didn't really know how to ask what I felt I wanted to ask.

He gave me a piece of understanding one day about steps forward--He wanted me to offer what I'd been given over the years to my church family. Little did I know in that moment... He was preparing the way for me to leave this family I'd belonged to since college. I savored the conference though. I breathed it in. I took note of my surroundings. I rested as I realized how small I was in such a big organization. I felt challenged by how big my heart had grown during the long season of service. It seemed the size and capability of my heart surpassed the enormity of this family and the work we did. The Lord had matured me, I realized. He had more for me. But mostly, I just knew He wanted to be with me and I wanted to be with Him. It was a beginning I didn't even know I was starting.

Two years later, I watch as friends from Orlando were hired, giving excellence to the event to honor Him and serve the staff. I watch online, not from my perch on the floor any longer. I watch from 1,545 United Airline miles away. I watch from my home which has become more of a home than I ever imagined it could be... The home there feeling more like a distant cousin these days. I watch as I transition from an extremely painful season in my new adventure to a season of hope and, I believe, breakthrough. I watch and part of me misses it. I belonged to it and it to me. Now, I'm an onlooker, an observer. It feels really, really strange. But then, I imagine if I was part of it still. That, I cannot imagine. My heart isn't there any longer (though my appreciation and love for it is significant).

My heart is here. I am walking in the thing He has for me and there's a fathomless beauty in this place. There's space to create and grow and change the world in ways I have yet to imagine. He has become my Home. The life He has called me to live is a gift. Still, I miss the old piece of it today.  Perhaps these tears are for the loss of what I knew. There are so many unknowns here. So, so many. At times, it is the hardest challenge I face in the midst of days where I wonder what is best and how to respond and what is next on the horizon for these people and this place.

And tonight, I don't doubt the reality that I'm supposed to be here... I believe His promises in a way I didn't think I'd ever be able to again... And, I continue to wonder: How does this all turn out?

Good

Tonight my friends came over for dinner. The plan was to hang together and move forward on some things we learned at a conference together a few weeks back. The doorbell sounded (like fifteen times--he kept pressing the button) and I pranced down the stairs, greeting them with a smile through the glass doors between us.

Opening the door, I blocked the way in and said, "Well guys, I've decided that we must be good enough friends for me to wear my pajamas around you..." There I stood in my pj pants, a t-shirt and my hair up on top of my head. I looked wonderful. Promise. They smiled back and she said, "I brought my comfy clothes, too!!" Yes. Seriously, these are the types of friends I need in my life.

I just feel grateful tonight. Grateful I have friends to cook for, people I can walk alongside in a process where we grow deeper with Jesus and take steps in to the things He calls us to, friends to laugh with and people who share the real thoughts that run through our brains. After they left, I felt too awake to go to sleep. So, I snuggled up on the sofa and watched another episode of Burn Notice on Netflix and thought about what it'd be like to be a spy. Good stuff. Good night. Good life.

What Holds Me Back

I've been thinking a lot this week about what it takes to step into the things I really want in life--things I'm called to, dreams I've dreamed, hopes I've held on to over all of the years. Regarding the book and the writing specifically, I've been reminded how I simply have to try. Sometimes the lack of 'try' is the only thing truly holding me back.

I have to continue to take time for it, allow myself the freedom to be creative and explore the truth through actual stories in my life, but I can also invent... In fact, the short I posted here the other day was an early attempt at the latter. It has been a challenge to write what I've learned through my own stories at times. I think part of it has to do with the need to step back into those moments and places--it's tough. I've experienced so much healing over the years and the writing requires me to go back to the hard stuff in depth. Line by line I've been retelling those stories that have been the source of so much wounding and so much shaping. There's the beauty though--the shaping. I've learned a lot. Yet, it's taxing to revisit it all.

I guess I've wondered how I move through it so I can finish the work. The idea of this feels daunting most days. I feel weary of the stories. I've lived them over and over again already... At the end of the day, I want to see it come together. So, I choose to press in and move forward. I don't want to give up on the bigger picture of where all of this is taking me. Of course, I don't see clearly where that is exactly, but there's the hope of it. There's always hope.

I found it encouraging to try exploring what I've learned from another angle. It's not the direction of the book, certainly, but I realized something important... There are so many people I've known over the years that I've learned from. I could write dozens of books by simply offering what I've noticed about each--mix and match their traits... Characters and books galore!! I felt bolstered as I understood this. It gave me a little push beyond my box. I needed it.

So, here's to trying.

A Short

"Maybe you need someone cynical, a woman who postures herself in a mix of hopefulness and hatred of the world." She thought of telling him, but regularly held her tongue allowing the words to sway back and forth on her brow. What did she know anyway? Closing her eyes, she imagined it though. The two of them together. The brilliant woman so wounded, finding strength in words and tightly laughing when she encountered those beneath her. And him, unaware, disciplined, engaging everyone he met with his warmth and ideas. What did she have to offer him anyway? The other woman was mysterious, withdrawn, confident. Comparatively, she felt like a school girl.

Sitting up, she forced her eyes open. She could write a book with all of the scenarios she dreamed up behind closed lids. She sighed and looked out the window. Sun. Again. Couldn't the weather cooperate long enough to coordinate with her mood? Her insides longed for grey, overcast skies. She considered the idea again. What if she actually uttered those words? Maybe he'd leave her. Maybe he'd stay. She was a tornado of complete hope and utter despair, but cynical she was not.

The bell rang, pulling her from the sudden stupor. Throwing on the over-sized robe, she rubbed her face, sighed again and headed for the door. Opening it, she saw no one -- though a freshly placed cardboard box blocked the stairs. It was large and fairly cumbersome. She crossed over it to pick it up from below. Now especially conscience of her appearance and the possibility of being seen by a neighbor, she awkwardly lifted the not-so-heavy box and quickly headed inside.

Managing to lift it onto the bar in the kitchen, she stared at it. Her name and address were listed in the "To" area, but curiously, her name and address were also listed in the "From" section. She had no memory of sending herself a package. Certainly she had not been thriving recently, but there's no way she would forget a detail like that.

Cautiously, she maneuvered a kitchen knife along the taped edges of the box. Pink packing peanuts spilled out onto the floor as she lifted the lid. Her hands swam through a sea of them, finally resting on a solid object. Pulling out a large paper-covered oval, she laid it aside digging through the peanuts once again. This time, she found a large manilla envelope and set it on the counter-top as well. Nothing remained in the box now.

Eagerly, she turned her attention first to the object. Unwrapping it, she discovered a mirror. Etched along the top edge was one simple word: Enough. Puzzled, she glanced at herself in it. The word rested above her sad face. She stared at herself now. Tears pricked from behind her lashes as she continued to glance from the word to her face. She noticed her emotions rising. Fearing they'd overtake her, she set the mirror down, reaching for the envelope. From inside, she pulled out a single sheet of crisp white paper. The hand-written message simply offered:

You are enough.
Look often.
Remember.

Now the tears came freely. In her over-sized robe, she crumpled to the floor. She was overcome.

Leading Well

Shifting gears a bit tonight... I'm taking a few days out of my 'regularly scheduled' life to participate in a conference. It's the first event I've been to in almost two years--hard to believe! My old life kept me in conference mode on a frequent basis. At any rate, I spent six hours in a room with mostly strangers. We jumped from a dialogue about change to conflict resolution to gossip and more. And I'm sitting here now with my head spinning...

It's amazing how difficult it is to lead and how simple it is all at once. The things we worked through in six hours tackle the root issue of so many experiences I've had this past year in the church planting arena. I can't wait to see what's in store for tomorrow. There were two things that stood out above all else today...

One

"If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together." 
--African Proverb

It's so easy to want to go alone. We see where we're going and can strike out, unhindered, on what seems a very clear path. Trouble is, there isn't anyone there to really enjoy the journey. At some point, even if other people follow after us, we'll likely want to keep moving and they might not be able or ready to do so... What then? Do we keep splitting? Do we keep leaving people behind because we want to get where we're going fast?

Two

Gossip: When someone says something negative about someone who is not part of the problem or part of the solution.

Gut buster! I mean, seriously... When I consider these months and months in my new world, how many conversations have I been a part of or even instigated (gasp!) where GOSSIP was the main course on the menu?! What if we all made a personal rule not to do it? Not to hear it?

When someone comes to us, what if we did what I learned tonight...
Ask:
Are you coming to me to gossip?
Are you coming to me for counsel?

If it's the latter, he told us how he literally gives the person a deadline by which they need to go talk to the person in question OR he tells them that if they don't do so within that time frame, he'll reach out to that person to help in the reconciliation process. What in the world? So simple. SO hard. So, so good.

Imagine the change though... Actually dealing with our issues. Being honest and vulnerable. Inviting others to do the same. Beautiful.

More soon. We're starting at 8 AM sharp so this girl has to get some beauty sleep...

Him

He made an astute observation, "The Gospel is so incredibly dear to you because of what you've experienced in your life..." Perhaps for the first time, I saw it, too. A million thoughts entered my mind all at once and I teared. "I don't know if I've ever seen it that way, " I responded (at least in my head--I don't know if the words actually came out).

Thinking about it later, the reality sunk in more deeply. The Father's love for me has changed everything. He is the only One who has fully understood, walked with me in every aspect of my life and poured out love in a way I haven't been able to experience and receive from other people. The Gospel is precious to me because He is precious to me.

How did He become precious? Through years and years of disappointments. Through wounds. Through unmet longings and postponed desires. The junk of life has illuminated the treasure of the cross, the beauty of His sacrificial love, the wonder of His goodness and faithfulness to me.

He has never abandoned me. He has never belittled me. He has never ignored me. He has never forgotten me. He has always given me dignity. He has always loved me. He has always cheered me on. He has always forgiven me. He has always told me the truth--and put my shame away from me. He has been merciful. He has been kind. He has been beyond generous. He has never failed.

Sitting quietly at the desk, I turned from the computer screen to witness the morning through the windows. I listened to a song I posted here months ago (Beautiful, by Phil Wickham). He sings, "When we arrive at Eternity's shore, where death is just a memory and tears are no more, we'll enter in as the wedding bells ring, Your bride will come together and we'll sing... You're beautiful." Before I knew it, tears fell. I sat here thinking, "And isn't that JUST it..." Hope. All of this leads me into the beauty of who He is. I get to rest there for eternity--in perfect relationship. Living IN the fullness of the promise. Really, truly, completely ALIVE.

This Kingdom, this Gospel is precious because He is precious. I can lay everything down if it means I get Him. And, if the longings in my heart don't ever come to pass in the way I hoped, I still don't lose. I consider it a bargain. I've gotten the best part.

There

It towers in the distance
once I belonged to it
now a simple, striking monument
warm with white
reflecting sun and moon
whispering of days gone by
stirring my vision onward

Grounded atop old marsh fields
it sits patiently there for me now
a poignant placard encased in beauty
above, the sky proclaims, "Bigger"
in soft, bold characters
tender with confidence

I hardly notice in daylight
flying by into this or that
the stars shine and the moon rises
lights glisten in the distance
I see it then
standing in a brood delightful
my eyes shift from here to there

There my calling beckons
Here I lose my sight
"Lift your eyes; yes, remember..."
Look upon it, see
A promise, privilege, gift

It slumbers while I dream awake
my emotions fill the vast expanse of sky
one by one, I tuck each consideration away
pondering Glory in my heart
holding this memory stone in my gaze.

Rejoice

The sky is grey and the rain has come today with more consistency. A tropical storm makes its way along the landscape of Florida and we're better for it. People tell me we need it. I don't understand this completely. Growing up in Colorado, you knew when you needed the rain. The earth cracked and wildfires charred fields and mountains. Here, everything looks lush, thriving and green. But the reservoirs of water in retention ponds diminish--apparently this is a 'tell'. How appropriate a picture. Things on the outside don't always reflect the need. Inside, we might diminish while outwardly, to the untrained eye, all appears well.

I'm seeking to live my life in a way where what's going on inside shows on the outside. There's a beauty in not being able to hide the drought, the need. A few weeks ago a man spoke a word over me, "Don't mistake the wilderness for anything else..." This wilderness season has been harsh. I've been unable to avoid the heat of the sun and the cracks seem the most prominent feature on the soil of my heart. My margin for any additional challenge or input is pencil-line thin. I've been exposed time and again. Tears have been close companions.

But today, as I witness the torrents of water falling from the vast expanse of grey sky, I picture all of this water running over and filling these gaps. I understand the way my soul is soaking up every ounce and I feel hope rise--the word "rejoice" takes position over me like a banner. I think it's an invitation. Sweet, cleansing rain. Wash away these months of pain. Remind my soul of what it's gained. Intimacy with my Savior.

"You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good." Genesis 50:20

Returning to the Wilderness (AKA Summer Home)

Walking up the sidewalk yesterday, I pulled my keys out then tried to wrestle the door open while realizing it was locked at the top, too. Standing on my tippy-toes I reached high inserting the key, but couldn't manage to unbolt it. Meanwhile, two very happy faces appeared between the blinds on the door-glass and me. Upon opening it (thanks to their dad), they rushed at me--hugging me and telling me they missed me. Pure delight. I had been in the city all week, so I hugged them back, "I missed you, too!..." I looked both of them in the eye as I spoke and meant it.

The little one ambled towards me as I hugged the others in the foyer and stood there smiling, holding her beloved puppy. She waved at me, tilted her head and smiled again. They came to the car to help me bring in my things and just before bedtime, each grabbed a bag and helped me carry everything upstairs. (Well, except the one who remembered she was upset about something. Oh kids--being so present in their emotional lives. :) )

And as their mom read the older two stories, the little one decides to run back and forth upstairs peering down at me through the railing. "What are you doing?" she asks her favorite question. "Reading... What are you doing?" She smiles without answering and runs down the hallway again. This same exchange occurs another fifteen million times. At one point she sits down and puts both legs through two slats in the railing and waves at me. Then she returns to her work--running from one end of the hall to the next, always checking in on her sisters.

Finished looking at stuff online, I head to the kitchen sink to do a few dishes. Little one returns to the rail above and calls out, "Jesh...!" I turn my attention to her and she smiles, "I wuve you!"
Be.still.my.heart.
I almost cried it was so sweet.
"I love you, too," I replied.
We both smiled at the other and she was off on her way again.

Later, I told her mom about it. We talked about how I think part of the reason I experienced loneliness so strongly this past week is because I've been with their family this past month. I've been in an environment where people wonder where I am when I'm not home and ask me how my day is. They care about the things I'm walking through and have been supportive of me in the midst of a whole lot of hardship. The girls are happy to see me for no apparent reason beyond the fact that they like having me around. This place and these people have become a haven for me.

The contrast was stark this week. And, for better or worse (I actually think better), I get to see what I really need and want because of my time with them. Being part of something here makes me realize how I don't really feel part of something out "there". It has provided a place for my heart to recognize what matters. I get to press in and ask Jesus how He wants to provide for me specifically in this way and invite Him to touch these places that feel so tired, so needy. I think that's really good.

I Belonged There

Standing in my shoes today, the view from here looks dreary. It rained this morning, but then the sun came out. I don't feel very capable of appreciating its brightness. Not so much from an outward view (I see how lovely it is!), but from my soul perspective. I feel lonely in my life right now. The reality is hitting me hard this week. Perhaps this is an aspect of the season of life I'm in. Combined with the challenges I've faced relationally and in my work these past several months, I feel depleted. I don't feel successful at much. I don't feel seen or known well. I don't feel like I belong anywhere specific.

There are many people around my life. They have their opinions about what it looks like from their view and the reasons I've wrestled deeply. I have my own, as well. It's not that I don't think they care for me or want to care--I just don't see anyone having the energy or desire to care in a way that I need someone to care. I continue to extend invitations for people to be "inside"--some are accepted and that has been very sweet. God has met me through people who have taken the time to notice me and those who have also invited me to be part of what they're doing. But, my trust has also been broken as other people have taken what they've seen on the inside and shared it on the outside. That's not so sweet.  And, all of that aside, I think I'm just weary in the process of extending invitations. It feels like planning my own birthday party over and over again, hoping people will want to come but realizing they've found something more exciting to do instead.

One of my oldest friends put it well about a month ago, "You have good friends in your life, but you don't have a group... Everyone who you're close with is part of their own circle and you belong with those individuals, but the circles don't connect." Once upon a time, I did have a group. Earlier today I had the chance to share about that group. Those friends wanted me there. It wasn't even a question in my mind or theirs whether I'd be included in plans being made. At one point, I'd moved thousands of miles away and they called saying they had to have me at a last blowout party and wanted to pay to fly me home to be with them... "It wouldn't be the same without you," they exclaimed.

I knew I belonged there. And wow, thinking of it now, I felt safe, secure and oh so very loved. I knew I was wanted. I knew my presence was precious to them. I felt precious. I'm seeing now how profoundly their love changed me. What a gift. What an absolute gift.

I told the Lord today that I'm not sure how to walk this path He has me on. I know I belong to Him. I know the picture is not as black and white as the story I've unpacked above illustrates--my perception is incomplete. I just feel the deficit deeply today. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of being told how things should work. I'm tired of being told I offer so much one week and being critiqued over the smallest thing the next. I'm sad as people who have expressed their willingness to battle for me have pushed me away. I'm just tired right now. There's just a lot more bad than good. And, it feels really hard.

Release

Darkness falls
glowing ball hides
I am awake.

Sixty one days
my voice grew strong
my voice faltered.

You all like giants
tread upon tenderness
the cast of your feet linger.

You know better
...or do you?

Commentaries pressed in
cemented, hardened
enveloping me.

Still, dignity rises
unquenchable expectation, hope.

Like a tree whose roots grow down deep
uncovering a source
true and good
all pales in comparison.

Downcast eyes see.
Broken heart receive.
Silent lips speak.

Forgive.
Love.
Forgive.
Love.
Release.

Be who you are not who they think you to be.

And Now, About That Nap...

My eyes didn't want to open this morning. You know the kind... You're exhausted, your whole body aches for reasons you cannot remember, your brain is trying to run, but it feels like you're running Windows instead of your Mac. I encouraged my eyelids to open and felt shocked by the sun peeking through the blinds. "Why do you have to be so bright?!" I muttered inside my head (there's no way my lips would utter any such word or phrase). As I came to, I began to consider the crazy day I'd scheduled for myself. Literally six different commitments filled my Saturday calendar between the hours of 11:00 & midnight, plus an errand or three I really need to run. Too much. But being me, even in this overly-tired place, I thought, "You can do it!"

I somehow made my way to the kitchen to cook oatmeal, folded my laundry and showered while contemplating the reality of how I was never going to get myself out the door on time. Moving at a snail's pace, I sat on my knees pulling papers from under the bed to consider what needed to go with me and I sunk deeper into this posture and wanted to nap. Not good when you need to leave the house soon. As I stood and evaluated myself in the mirror I wondered aloud, "What are you doing?" I wanted to cry with weariness (it was like when you're little and you don't know what's wrong, but nothing seems too good and you just want to cry... Or is that just me?). 

So I looked at myself again and thought, "You don't have to do this..." I texted my first appointment, apologized and said I couldn't make it. My phone wouldn't send the text. I tried four times. When it finally worked, I exhaled and thought, "Good... That bought you a few more hours." Total relief. It's in moments like these that I remember how the Lord loves me and wants to care for me. I really get in the way of that in seasons like this one. It's like what I wrote the other day... I forget to check in with my heart and ask Him what's best. I almost forgot today, but I'm so glad I remembered. So glad I listened.

New Mercies

I wasn't prepared last night. Mid-way through a time with small group shepherds, I noticed everything was off, but instead of correcting the course, I kept pressing on. It's not that anything bad happened per say. But, the good I can now see had I turned onto the other road was missed.

On the drive home, I felt very sad. I went into auto-pilot and led from a place I've been before, but not necessarily the place where we're going. I can see where we're going... I felt sad about the way I didn't recognize what was happening in the moment though. The way I wasn't listening well enough to guide us there.

When I got home I just stretched out on my bed and stared at the wall as the evening looped on repeat in front of my eyes. I asked the Lord to fill the sadness with His peace. I asked Him to help me live from my identity in Christ and not go down the path of shame for missing it and not performing perfectly. I asked Him to turn the evening into good despite the fact that I didn't listen to the all-too-familiar nudge of His Spirit.

It's a weighty thing to come alongside and equip people. The preparation I lacked wasn't in the form of task, but rather the heart. I didn't quiet myself before the Lord and invite Him to lead the time. I didn't reflect on the bigger picture of where we're going. I got caught up in the details.

So I've stepped into this new day with a little heaviness (I'm still trying to sort out how I didn't do it perfectly and that hurts, you see). And in the midst of it, I get to talk with the Lord about it. I get to allow my perception of myself to realign with what He says is true about me. I get to embrace grace and truth together. I get to mature and walk humbly. It hurts to see how badly I need Him--I want to be able to do this on my own. And, I'm thankful for His love and faithfulness to me in it. I'm so glad for the reminder that I can't do it without Him.

Summer Scenery

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" 

--Mary Oliver--

A woman I've only met over the phone offered this quote and a few significant words of encouragement to me in an email after we spoke last week. I've been thinking of it as I completed (well, nearly completed...) the process of moving. I have high hopes for this life of mine. The past few months have been so challenging, but I don't want to give up on the dreams God has given me or the pictures He has offered me about what He is doing all around me. 

I woke up this morning and opened the blinds. The picture above is my view for the summer. What a gift. I slept better than I have in months and while I was still sleepy upon waking, I pressed into the day with hope that this adventure is a good one to be on. I feel safe and wanted in this place. I feel removed from my routine already. It's a good feeling. I have space and time to take some deep breaths and consider the future. I GET to (there it is again!) sit with Jesus and savor Him. I GET to look out this window and consider the things He has put in my heart. I GET to listen and consider all He tells me about where He's taking me and the good He has for me and others in the process.

Sometimes all that's required is a change of scenery. I'm thankful to have it. I didn't know how badly I needed this break from my regularly scheduled life. Though there's no doubt it will prove challenging to commute for work and see friends, I get to choose into a new rhythm, a fresh pace. And, I'm not alone. There's something very significant about that aspect of this change for me. These friends and their sweet little ones are a gift for me. So, here's to considering, again, what I get to do with my one wild and precious life...