Beauty: Why?

I listened to a message the other day by a guy named Skye Jethanp. His words encouraged me in present considerations regarding my life and my future. For now, I don't need to add commentary. I just want this truth to seep in deeply and set my heart toward the Lord in what He's inviting me into:

"When we cultivate beauty in our worship as the people of God, what we are declaring to a world that is full of ugliness and despair is that you can run out of line and take hold of the beauty. It is within reach because Christ has come! The Kingdom has broken in and the people of God who are inhabited by His Spirit are here to cultivate the beauty of the Kingdom and you, too, can run out of line and take hold of it and find hope in the middle of darkness knowing that the present darkness will not prevail..."

Beauty matters.

Englarged into Joy

"All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We’re also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy."

There's a spot on I-70 West where one arrives at the peak of a steep incline and just as the car begins to descend toward a valley, a breathtaking landscape presents itself. Rows and rows of mountain summits appear in the distance as far as the eye can see. Just thinking of the sight evokes a feeling I've felt a thousand times as I've encountered this panoramic: My heart leaps and joy erupts. The majesty of this moment always takes my breath away. It has to be one of my favorite experiences on planet earth.

Witnessing it today, I was reminded of how hard it is to wait. There are things I've longed for and they seem so far off as I continue the climb toward the crest. When I arrive there, beauty unfolds before my very eyes. There is sweetness in the arrival, but quickly fades as an awareness grows pointing me toward those peaks in the distance. My journey has only just begun. Uncertainty sets in and fear rises as I consider what it will take to reach those far-off places. To be honest, I don't have a clue what will be required of me along the way; though, I've lived long enough to know it will involve both joy and sorrow. I see those beautiful crowns and sense the good awaiting me there. What to do? Stay here? It is a lovely view... Or, plunge into the valley? I think of the possibilities. How can I lead others where I have yet to go myself?

Discovery is a risky, yet wondrous affair. Am I willing? Looking back, I see only the familiar and I'm comforted by it. Setting my sights on what is ahead, I feel alive. I feel expectant. And I feel terrified. But, there's a truth I need to remember today: I have been enlarged in this waiting. God has shaped and transformed me in ways I never imagined. He has cultivated the soil of my heart to offer who I am to the world in a way only I can. He has stripped off weights which held me back. He has prepared me for this season to be unleashed into an adventure I never imagined for myself. And, I think it's about joy. I think it's about destiny. I think He's telling me the good gifts He has ahead on this pilgrimage will not be taken from me. It sounds too good to be true, but then I remember... He is faithful to His promises.

Return to Me

It hangs there
three buttons
classic cut
black on black

transported to a time gone by
despite the pesky yellow florescents
I smiled at the new me
while a radiance reflected back
a twinkle in my eye

he was the furthest away any person could be
or so it seemed from my post on this pedestal
frozen adventures and a new love
occupying his space, his time

as here I stood delightedly
three buttons
classic cut
black on black
risky business on my mind

surging into unmapped expanses
my mind wandering forward
imagination running wildly unfettered
all I wanted would simply be

doubt afforded no license whatsoever
and hopes ...
hopes gushed over my palms like waterfalls of petals
too many to grasp
too beautiful to restrain

why bother storing up each precious droplet
who needs a reservoir when rivers and oceans exist 
no I, I'd allow floodgates of promise to open wide
releasing potential to discover and experience unhindered

I wondered if he'd see me now
but, sending double glances in my own direction, sight I gained
three buttons
classic cut
black on black

no use looking behind
this luminous future bright, ahead
and I, a girl no longer, abandoned home
so I might become ...

three buttons
classic cut
black on black
now only to gain this piece of her back
this would be something indeed.

Beyond Winter

 Today I've been wondering what it means for me to pursue beauty in the context of my life. Moving into a new place recently, all I've been thinking about when it comes to home life is how to bring order to it and cultivate an environment where people feel welcomed and even inspired. I've been absolutely energized by this place and the possibilities I see here. From the moment I viewed it, I couldn't stop thinking about how to make it special. It has a great foundation--all I have to do is build on it and highlight the best features.

There has been a lot of talk about the idea that I'm entering a new season. God has been speaking it to me for months and now He has other people joining the dialogue, affirming what He has said. This winter I've been in has been so very long. I've had glimpses of spring here and there for a number of years -- some of the glimpses have seemed to last, but when the winter has folded in again (like a good Colorado 'spring' snow), I've found myself discouraged bordering on despair. "You must not be hearing right..." or "You're not doing this right..." So much of what I've written recently contributes to these notions. As I said before, I'm pointed back to my true identity in Jesus and the idols I fall for, like control in relationships and work.

But you know, I think the Lord sees possibilities much like I see them in my new home. I think He sees blossoms when I wonder about the impending spring storm that reminds me it's not really spring after all... I want to believe Him. I want the newness and the freshness of Spring. I want those blossoms and the hope of new life forming and bursting up from soil which has rested in preparation for a new season throughout a seemingly unending New England winter. (Hey, why not draw both into this story? I've lived them both, after all...)

To be honest, I don't see many places to cultivate beauty in my current reality. When I've tried, the brakes have been applied from outside and inside sources. The way I offer it hasn't seemed to be desired and I haven't been able to figure out how to offer it in a different way. And I've been trying to fit a mold. I've been offering myself in a way where I seek permission to do what I sense I should do and it feels wretched. I think much of it is my own perspective. I cannot seem to see things as they actually might be... I feel chained to unseen obligations which are likely rooted in other places in my story. But I look at the reality of how I'm living and I don't think I can do it anymore because this desire for beauty is pulling me apart at the seams. It sounds terrible writing it that way--painful--but I think it's actually good. I want to live from a whole heart and I need to decide what's really going on in there so I can get to the place where I offer it! Frankly, all in all, I'm really the one holding myself back. I can look around and point my finger, but at the end of the day I'm making these choices. Ultimately, I point at myself... It's my responsibility to live my life.

It's enough. I'm tired of making excuses, trying to be 'what I should be' or trying not to be what I 'should not be'... I'm tired of my joy being gone. It has been missing for quite some time. And the Lord is inviting me to live in light of the joy of my salvation again. This beautiful thing He has done -- restored me to relationship! I get to live from this glorious and free and whole place. And with His help I've got to sort out what that means for my day-to-day so I can cease living under the heavy things I allow myself to stay under.

Today He reminded me of a place He took me five years ago... 

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

I keep running back to the place where I allow things to be put on me which feel heavy and ill-fitting. Many times I stick them on my own back! I just picture the Lord kindly shaking His head at me saying, "Jessica, you don't have to live there... remember?" But it's so comfortable... It's so known. By His grace I've come so far. I still have so much room to grow. And yes, I'm afraid.

So today, I just keep thinking, "Grow. Go beyond everything you've ever known and held onto in this life. Surprise yourself by walking in light of how brave you actually are. Go after the beautiful things He has placed in your heart even when you don't know how the journey goes. Take a step. Breathe in the air... The winter has gone... It's SPRING."

I Think I'm Just Afraid

My own words have been reverberating in my mind over the past few days from my last two posts. I've sat with them, reread them, and considered the weightiness of the emotion in them. Pain is never pretty. It's messy, uncomfortable and, to use a newly familiar word, ugly.

What to do with it?

I think I'm hurting because I don't know how to be willing to expose myself more than I already have. My imagination runs wild with possible outcomes of how it goes if I really say what I probably need to say, even in a different way, for the first time or once again. I'm weary from not feeling heard and understood. I'm exhausted from not feeling seen and invited. I don't want to demand or fight for these things. I don't want to be 'that girl'. I don't want to be too much. I don't want to wonder if they'll care. And, I certainly don't want my worst fears confirmed... That they actually don't care after all.

Because, if that's the case, what then? Strangely, and given all of what I've written this will sound strange... I know I'll be okay. My identity is secure. So what then is the actual issue?

I think it's that I'll need to move on into uncharted territory. New friendships. New work possibilities or a new way of viewing the current reality. I'll move into freedom in a way which feels frightening.

And if they do care? I'll move into deeper relationship in a way I haven't in quite a long while with people who are newer to me in that way. I risk exposing more and being profoundly rejected in the future.

Either way, something or some things will change. I'm not in control. This is the problem -- the illusion of control offers meaning and power to me. Even if it is completely devoid of actual substance and truth. Idolatry at its best, yes?

The reality is, I am incapable of doing what I need to do on my own. So this is the moment when I look beyond every piece of it and pray, "Abba, Oh Abba, be near..."

Pressing In and On

I've never been part of a team where I found myself disagreeing so strongly with certain philosophical perspectives when it comes to the very idea of just that: 'team'. The past two years have been a testament to God's commitment to my maturity and growth because more than any one thing I've encountered in this transition, this specific topic hits a very tender place in my heart each and every time it's on the table for discussion. Recently, I've noticed again how pancake thin my patience has grown with the way I experience team in this new season.

It's certainly not new that it's hard -- I think I've simply arrived at a place where I'm voicing it strongly again and part of that feels ugly because it is. I feel like I'm demanding my perspective in the process instead of extending invitations for what I see to be acknowledged and prayerfully, understood. "The way we operate doesn't line up with values we say we have," I've thought and said. But then, valuing relationship never made it to our values list until recently. Why should I be surprised? The ideal and the real intersect in a way where I don't see them aligning and I feel regularly frustrated in my experience.

My responses have varied: voice it, be angry about it, tell yourself it's not important, grieve it, isolate yourself -- they don't care anyway, you're on your own here so 'team' doesn't even matter. I see people leaving us and I look at those scenarios and the conversations I've had there and connect the dots back to relationship and/or the lack thereof. I've thought about it, too... Leaving, I mean. Part of what keeps me here isn't wholehearted devotion, but more of a perspective of, "I don't want them to think I didn't have what it took to live in this environment. I can do it. I can be like them."

The truth is, I can't. Nor do I desire to model what I experience regularly. I want to forge a different path.

I've been trying not to care. I've been trying to say it doesn't matter. But, it does--to me. And, I feel at a loss. I sense I'm supposed to be here, so I stay. In weeks like these, I wonder how long this determination will last. I'm freshly tired in it. 

The thing is, I know I give more when I feel seen and cared about as person. I know what I'm capable of when relationship is truly the foundation and when trust is real. When we remind each other of what we're going after and we help each other get there. In my experience, those moments are few and far between.

All of that said, there is one friendship I have in many of the circles I work in where I do experience these things and in that case, I move forward into greater fruitfulness. I'm so, so thankful for this piece of my current reality because honestly, without it, I don't think I could have stayed in it as long as I have. I'm also thankful because this friend isn't afraid to tell me the truth about my ugly, but sits in the story with me and helps me to see beyond it. It's a lifeline for me as I walk through my feelings about this area again.

Most days this doesn't feel as big as it feels today. I do see the Lord working. I do see my heart changing and my perspectives broadening. And, I'm grateful for the pain because it points me back to Jesus with my wants and desires and needs. That's good and I'm grateful. I think I just wish, well, I don't know... I think I just wish I didn't feel like a fish swimming the other direction from all of the other fish all of the time. (Not that they're all swimming in a different direction, I suppose. It just feels like that most days.)

I think what I long for is fairly simple, but it really isn't simple here. It's continually a place of struggle and I wonder what the Lord wants to do about it. For my part in it, I think I need to keep offering relationship by refusing to give up and/or checking out emotionally. I don't know how to do this well right now, so if you're reading this and you're a person of prayer I'd really appreciate some prayer. I want to love well, but don't think I'm doing so well at it at the moment. I think I'm demanding things that people are not capable of giving. Instead of holding those things over them, I need to continually release them into their perspectives and continue to move forward in my own. Perhaps this is a path forward...

Heartache ...

A few months ago, I wrapped up a season in counseling. There were many reasons I sensed God inviting me into it and coming through it, I look back with gratitude for the awareness He gave to me in the process and the transformation He continues to bring to me as a result of 'choosing in'. One of the most challenging things my counselor offered came in the final moments of my last appointment, "This is not the end of heartache for you, Jessica."

His words struck a deep chord within me because I knew he spoke the truth. And in my life there have been heartaches. Many, many, many, many heartaches.

Tonight I haven't been able to sleep. The rain is keeping me company as my thoughts swirl about and continue to land on a deep sadness I feel regarding my friendships right now. A couple years ago, I felt so connected to the people in my community. I felt desired and included and appreciated. People seemed to want to be my friends and made time to know me and I them. Invitations were extended and received. I began to come to life in a way I hadn't in a very long while and it was noticeable to those who had been journeying with me for years.

Lately, I honestly feel pretty invisible in the same community I felt so loved by not long ago. I wonder if it's me. Did I do something wrong? Am I too much? Perhaps the newness of my presence wore off and I'm just not so interesting after all? If I've learned anything this year (again), it's how my identity and worth aren't based on the answers to these questions. Yet, I struggle through them to come back to the truth of who the Lord says I am and the value He ascribes to me.

Still, most of me desires to throw in the towel and affirm what I regularly experience with a grim, "It is what it is," sort of mentality. But, I think the Lord invites me to continue on a harder path -- to stay present. I think the Lord wants me to continue to invite. He wants me to actively love people in the way I was made to love them. No strings attached. Right now this feels impossible.

And tonight as I continued to toss and turn, I remembered the handful of wonderful people in my life who regularly show their love and care. Women my age who take the time to know me and invest in me. These friends who call and text and email and want to spend time with me. I think I just wish they were all connected somehow... There's no real 'group' I belong to and it feels hard. My heart aches, actually.

I'm regularly at a loss in this present heartache, but have a feeling the Lord intends for me to find Him once again in this place. So I ask, "Lord, Who are You here?" I imagine, as my counselor wisely offered, this too will not be the last of heartache for me. As I grieve the loss of what I hoped it would be I pray: Lord, lead me to a place where, in the face of heartache, I delve even more deeply into JOY.

Putting on My Party Dress

My new house is still in chaos; furniture needs to be found, boxes need unpacking, and small things need places to rest. I did my best today to make progress, pressing through a desire to give up when I wasn't sure which thing to do next. I forced my way out of the house at one point, roommate in tow, to look at a possible buffet that might work for the living room. It didn't, but the break was welcome. I was thankful to get out of the house even if it meant I did so in workout gear.

Then I had somewhere to be tonight. My friend instructed those on the guest list to put on our 'party dresses' so we could celebrate in style. (YES.) Running around the house, I somehow found my way into make-up and heels. What a difference! I looked like another person... Trust me, it was good. You would have wanted me to look like another person. I promise.

Arriving at the birthday celebration for my LOVELY friend, Amanda, I discovered this enchanting backyard scene! We ate and laughed and even shed a few tears under delightful lights twinkling above while cool air enveloped us (a treat for Floridians in October!). In typical form, she took the opportunity to celebrate US. What in the world?... Her birthday celebration turned into a time of gratitude for her friends. I learn so much from the way she loves and cherishes those in her life. It was really special. I kept thinking, "I'm so glad I GET to know her..." Truly.

Driving home, I reflected again on the newest blessings in my life. I cannot express how grateful I feel to be living in the city once again. Pinch me! I feel like I'm dreaming. Seriously. My mind wandered back to the wonderful time with my friend and those she invited to her party. I just felt so humbled to be included and cherished tonight. What a gift... And, walking back into my house I found it as I left it--undone. Really, it's a blessing though. My imagination has gone absolutely wild in this new place with the possibilities of what it will become. I'm dreaming and designing in my mind and it's just so stinkin' fun. I feel alive in a fresh way. It's like joy is returning to me. I don't know where it went and honestly, I don't know how long it has been put away from me, but I feel it coming back to me.

Amanda talked a lot about gratitude tonight. I appreciate her example. She reminded me to take stock of the things I am profoundly grateful for and celebrate them. It was a good way to spend a Saturday night.

Shifting Seasons

Every time I enter a new season, I encounter sleeplessness. I should have known something was about to happen when the insomnia began this past week. Tossing and turning, I continued to ask the Lord about it. I'd actively re-surrendered my desire to move back to the city because after picking up my search recently, things seemed to be falling apart once again. It didn't bother me though. A fresh understanding of His goodness remained in my view. "I'll move when it's time," I reasoned.

Sweet surrender.

Within a day of this though, everything changed. The landlord who had been pursuing called again. "My friend doesn't really 'feel' this place," I thought. Though, despite some of the realities of the space which didn't line up with our hopes, I liked it and could see myself there. And, here he was again asking if there was any way for us to come to an understanding. In all of these years, in the many places I have lived, this has never happened. I called my friend. She agreed to take a second look. Her opinion shifted as we walked through it. I was surprised. Then, he worked with us on those details where we didn't line up originally and suddenly, it was done. Done. Moving Monday!

Honestly, the Lord has loved me so well in this process. Today, as I waited for the paperwork to clear, fear rose inside of me. "Maybe this is too good to be true?" I wondered while watching the support letters I was working on print. His voice was kind, but firm, "I will not fail or abandon you." Tears. Shaking my head 'yes' in response, I stopped. "Thank you, Lord. Thank you so much for caring so well for my heart."

I'm so in love with Him. He's handing me good gifts like they're going out of style right now. I feel humbled, blessed and seen. Because, well, I am. I'm just reminded, once again, how deep His love is for me and how well He cares for me and provides for me. It's amazing. Over and over again, He reminds me as He has throughout the past few weeks, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want."

It's true. I don't want for anything. I'm incredibly grateful and feeling overwhelmed (in the best sense) tonight. As I continue thanking the Lord for being so wonderful (as always), I just wanted to brag on Him here a little bit. Hope you don't mind.

Bon Appetit!

Thursday was full this week. The day began celebrating the life of the sweet little one who has meant so much to us. We later grabbed lunch and went to pet puppies. We were all dressed up in bright colors. I wore my four-inchers.

The afternoon found me in a meeting and after, I stopped in at a favorite coffee shop to work; though, I ended up spending the time chatting with my friend there. It was a timely visit and conversation. I felt thankful to have stopped in as I sat, listening to a present piece of her story. 

Realizing I had a short hour before I needed to be at my evening commitment, I decided to pop into my old neighborhood to grab a quick dinner. Thinking I'd sit at the bar, I went inside. But, looking out again, I thought, "It's such a lovely evening... I should enjoy it." I asked the hostess to seat me somewhere near the sidewalk and spent a quiet 40 minutes taking in the sights and sounds of the neighborhood I love so dearly. I felt overdressed, honestly, but smiled thinking of my former life in Boston. I fit in perfectly there wearing outfits like the one I had on. Oh how life has changed! I ate my dinner and realized how content I felt to be sitting there alone. I didn't feel it... Alone, I mean.

There was a moment, when I was mid-way through my meal, when a man walked by me and moved toward the parking lot on the other side of the building. I had a strange feeling that he had wanted to say something to me as he walked by. I shrugged the thought off, thinking it silly. Next thing I knew, he turned around and walked the seven paces back toward my table, lowered himself toward the table and extended his hands outward then inward towards his chest. Clasping his hands now, he smiled a sincerely kind smile; his eyes lit up as he slowly and carefully enunciated a clear, "Bon appetit!" He kept eye contact with me as I smiled, offering a cheery, "Thank you!" Then, as quickly as he came, he turned on his heels and left.

I was taken back in the best sense. I felt very noticed and even cared for. I sat there smiling at nothing for a while. It was as if the Father was saying, "Enjoy your dinner. I see you... Indeed, you aren't alone." It's sweet to remember the Lord is in the details. I'm so thankful for His generosity in employing a kind stranger to affirm His love for me. I think this is what longing for Him feels like... It is so, so good to be loved by Him. He's incredibly thoughtful...

The Ugly Never Really Came

There were a few moments in this day (I think there were three to be exact-ish), where I felt misunderstood. Funny thing is, I kept going. I didn't lose myself. These things stung a little (one stung a lot, if I'm honest). I felt the urge to explain myself.

And the world seemed to come to a standstill, turning its gaze in my direction.

I felt it.

I may have even nodded back at it. Like, "Yes, you see me world? I'm not receiving this stuff. I don't need to let it take me away from myself..." Still, you likely know this about me by now, I felt the tension. The little war which goes on inside my belly set off the alarms and prepared for the ugly. But, it never really came.

I wasn't perfectly composed. Nope. I wasn't. I haven't forgotten the things nor have I finished dealing with the one which needs to be further addressed. But, I was brave.

In one instance, I held my peace and let my rising objections subside into little peaceful waves. "I don't need you to affirm me or understand," I quietly mused. In another moment of opportunity, I picked up the phone and left the message I needed to leave. I wasn't fully myself... Somehow I used my voice to say what I needed to say. It's still not finished. I don't like that, but I'm okay.

It feels good to be here.

More Important Questions

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Romans 5:1-5

(www.biblegateway.com)

He has led me here again. Romans 5. For years I have returned to this place in Scripture for consolation and comfort. Each time He has met me here, reminding me of what is true. The place I approach from today is no different. He has been inviting me to lift my eyes and acknowledge what is true. 

In my mind I have this picture of His eyes. There really aren't words to convey the experience as I look into them. Usually, they're hazel in color, but what I see there...?  Depth. Understanding. Care. Perfect 'seeing'. I know He knows me. I know He gets it. Somehow, I see His longing for me to see Him, too. All facades fall away and I come undone in my weariness, disappointment, sadness and in my desire to believe and to see what He sees. 

I picture myself sitting cross-legged and opening my palms before Him. "Lord, put faith in these hands. Establish in me hope and belief. Tell me the truth so I can live in it. Help me to set aside my incomplete understanding. Give me Your understanding..." The funny thing is, He typically doesn't give me the specific answers I'm seeking. One might find that frustrating. It's strange though... I find myself relieved not to know. I think it's because I trust Him. 

All things considered, at the end of the day, He has promised to work all things together for good for those who love Him. I have to believe this because it's true. Regardless of my feelings or the experience I've had in the places of pain, I've seen His goodness. I've experienced His faithfulness. How can I forget what's true? How can I disregard what He has lovingly sacrificed so I might have life? I cannot forget.

But how do I hope in the face of hardships?

A couple I love offered a blessing to me this week for my birthday. Part of the writing said, "One of the Hebrew words for 'hope' and 'wait' derives from the same root word. The Hebrew words translated 'hope' to mean confidence, twisting in labor pains, waiting, shelter, expectation, patience, security, trust, enduring, expectancy, something longed for. When your temptation to hopelessness continues without fulfillment, your Father says those who wait for Him will never be put to shame. Your Father is the God of hope who fills you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him..."

And I understand something significant. I'm asking trivial questions like, "Why, Lord?" When the more meaningful question is, "Who are You, Lord?" You see, I need to know Him as He really is. No longer viewing Him through earthly lenses, but heavenly ones. He holds all things in His hands. I don't simply cling to Him when I see how His promises are fulfilled. I cling to Him always, even when I cannot see. I don't let go of Him. Therefore, I can hope.

Uncharted Territory

Sophie came into the world on Sunday. She spent 10 short, but beautiful hours with her parents, extended family and friends. Lindsey and Kevin say it best here: 10 Precious Hours... Personally speaking, it was one of the greatest honors I've ever had to meet, hold and kiss her. And while we celebrate her life which has touched countless other lives, we also grieve. We grieve deeply.

Being with them in the hospital for a few days as Lindsey bravely labored and Kevin showed remarkable strength and courage was a gift. Welcoming Sophie was so beautiful. Losing her was terrible. And, to be honest, I haven't known how to celebrate my own birthday this week in light of the events of last weekend.

Yesterday, I was thrilled to see them. Linds, in her kindness and care asked, "What are you doing to celebrate your birthday?" The reality that she'd ask me that question in the midst of this was incredibly loving and selfless. Though, I've seen those two things in her throughout this season and have been amazed by the way she desires to see other people and their stories as she walks in her own. I'm blessed to have her in my life and call her one of my dearest and best friends. I wasn't sure what to tell her. So, I told her the truth... "It's been hard to think of how to celebrate, but I know I'll regret it if I don't..."

It's just that everything else seems so very small in comparison...

And, I'm wrestling with the Lord right now. I know He is good. I know He is faithful and loving and kind. I know He is able. I know He is willing. And, perhaps this is why I wrestle with Him.

There are layers to this season ahead and I don't know how to walk in it. It's a challenge to consider how to approach it all in my own life let alone knowing how to journey alongside some of the people I love the most. The thing I'm understanding today is that I don't have to know how. Even as I wrestle with God, He is still with me and loves me right here. He will show me the way forward and help me.

It's a strange thing to trust Him so much, yet wonder why He would allow the things He allows all at once. If anyone thinks following Jesus is easy, I guess I don't see what they see. I'm thankful for Him. He is the way, the truth, and the life indeed. But He doesn't always make sense... And the path isn't easy. He doesn't accomplish things the way I would. But then again, He is God and I am not.

So today, I sit here and invite Him to show me how to celebrate and live from a place of abiding joy. I ask Him to love on my friends and comfort them. I tell Him again how I need Him and how I really don't understand. This has to be good enough for today. It just has to be.

When You Don't Have the Answers

Yesterday and today I've been a weepy mess. The level of tenderness feels foreign to me because I cannot see where exactly it is rooted which feels very challenging--it doesn't make 'sense'. And, I realized: it's grief. Driving yesterday, I remembered back to a time earlier in my life when I lost someone I cared about. Friends who surrounded me didn't understand my behavior (because it was odd) and they worried.

I remember walking to class with my friend, Autumn a few weeks after my friend died. As we walked up the hill by the University Center (UC to us), she expressed how everyone was concerned about me. She said, "Jess, we think that you might have an eating disorder..." I stopped in the sidewalk as we made the decent to the other side of the building and looked at her with a mixture of anger and compassion. "I don't have an eating disorder, Autumn... I'm just grieving. I know my behavior is strange and honestly, I haven't been able to see it very clearly until you shared those details. Thanks for that--I'm so grateful for the way you all care about me so much. I think this is just my way of coping with what just happened... I don't know how to do this..."Looking back on that season of my life, not much made sense. I walked through days often unaware of my behavior or why I felt the way I did. It was my first true experience with grief.

Monday night, I was grateful to get time with Lindsey. We got Slurpees and took a long walk, catching up on all of the recent details of this waiting process. It's interesting to hear and see how each of us have had to live by faith. It has been weighty and daily the reality feels heavier. I'm so proud of her for the way she's walking through this. She and Kevin have stewarded Sophie's life in a powerfully loving way. I'm blessed by their example (I know I've said it before, but it's just so true).

And, the tears have followed. It's so hard to see my friends in pain. It's a challenge to have once had such strong faith and belief about the way this story turns out and to yield to the understanding that I just don't know how it all turns out. I think there has been a delay in my emotions catching up to the depth of this situation. I've felt things throughout, of course, but this current place... Well, it's the really real. These are the moments when I look to the Lord and say, "Meet me. Press in. Show me what You see. Show me how You love." And I cry. A lot.

Please pray for all of us if you would. For Linds and Kevin. For sweet baby Sophie. For me and my friend, Julie. For the families and the other close friends who are walking daily in this process. We need your prayers today. We need to see the Lord today. We long to cling to His promises today.

Waiting is Hard

We're on day 11 past Sophie's due date and I think we're all feeling it. We're wondering, "Lord, why the delay?" We trust His timing to be perfect. I was just thinking last night about all of the people who need to be present for this sweet baby's birth. Which doctors, nurses and other hospital staff are supposed to be present? Who are the people who need to be in the waiting room, those we're supposed to meet and encourage, while we await Sophie's arrival? He doesn't miss anything and so I trust these final preparations are underway so Sophie can come in His proper time.

But, I don't understand it still. My friends are tired and labor pains have been long (since the wee hours of yesterday morning) -- I include Kevin in this ("friends") because I know he's totally in it with Linds. It's really incredible to know that, actually. One dear friend is caring so well for another dear friend--both of them on this unexpected journey of faith in their life and marriage together. How kind is God to allow me to know them both and live life with them? How kind is God to show me devotion, faithfulness, belief and the beauty of wrestling through the questions as I've sat on the front row watching this story unfold? What a model of devotion they are to me. How kind is God to give all of us the gift of Sophie?

I lost it this morning. I started freaking out as I stood against the wall doing the exercise my chiropractor has asked me to do for my neck. I gripped the wall hoping it would hold me up. The tears fell and I told the Lord, "I just want to stuff these feelings away. I want to drown them out with activity and diversion. I don't want to feel what I'm feeling and wonder what I'm wondering..." I want to know what God knows right now, guys. I want to know the end of this story. He gently reminded me, "Trust Me. I'm good. I'm faithful." He invited me to press in.

I read the story of Solomon dedicating the Temple in I Kings 8. I read of his wholehearted devotion to God and the way the Lord received him. That story doesn't end well--Solomon eventually releases his faithful devotion to God. I want to be a person who embraces the Lord right where He has me. David did this... God didn't allow him to build the Temple, so what did he do? He set aside everything he could to ensure it would be fabulous when his son built it. He honored God even when God gave him a "No". His heart belonged to the Lord.

I guess the bottom line is this, I get to choose to believe the Lord today. Choose to believe what He says when He tells me He is faithful and true. When He shows me His perfect goodness and righteousness, I get to I bow in surrender and take joy in it. He is God. I am not.

Waiting is hard. As we've texted back and forth this morning, I'm encouraged to be in this with Linds and Julie, our other dearest friend. I'm thankful for the friendship we have and the way God has knit us together through so much life lived together. I'm thankful we can offer one another comedic relief and prayer and Scripture to uplift and encourage one another. I'm thankful to know they'd go to bat for me in the way we're standing in the gap with and for Linds right now. I wouldn't trade this season. And, whatever is to come, I won't trade that either.

So, we wait. We hope. We pray that even now, God is knitting together Sophie's skull and her brain inside of Lindsey. We trust the Author of Life to sustain these dear ones. To offer them hope. To invite them deeper into Himself. We ask Him to do the same in us.