Fred

I said goodbye to the most steady, day-to-day thing in my life -- for the past eleven and a half years -- this week. Fred. My Volvo. Truth be told, the night before the people came to take him to the place where he'd help wishes to be granted, I cried. And, cried. Strange perhaps, but it occurs to me in the days since his departure that many enormous things have shifted in my life since January and well, the straw on camel's back, or whatever that is, finally broke.

The guy called me to say he was on his way hours before I was prepared to release Fred. I said, "I have a few errands to run nearby, so I'll do those and be back in time to meet you." I grabbed my keys and headed to the Post Office, then took the long way home (totally unnecessary, of course) just to spend the last few minutes with him. As I'd done before, I verbally revisited how much Fred meant to me and told him how odd it was to be letting him go... I meant every word.

And, once the paperwork was signed, I returned to my front steps with coffee in hand to wait out his departure. Maybe the dude thought I was weird. Though, I genuinely did not care. Cup in hand, I sat there with tears in my eyes behind carefully placed sunglasses recounting the miles and the memories, the conversations I'd had inside that car with people and with that car and with the Lord therein... So many moments and so much life was lived and Fred was the steady part. I became a "Volvo person" with him. Now, I'm not anymore.

Today, I was driving home from a work thing and noticed one of Fred's cousins (you know, same make, model) passing us on the left on the Freeway. I actually got teary AGAIN. Don't get me wrong, my new car is LOVELY and I am so very thankful for it... I'm just still so sad about ol' Fred -- needing a transmission and an oxygen sensor and new front seats and paint on the rear bumper...

It's funny how a thing can become such a monument in one's life... Steady, stable, always there, never arguing or difficult (other than expensive repairs, I suppose)... Just available and helpful mostly. I thought I was to the end of the changes for the year, but this newest addition to the list reminds me that God still has more ahead. It's only July after all. I'm wondering if my heart can take it.

Don't worry too much. I'm just feeling sentimental and a little over the edge. All to say, I'm really grateful for the gift of that Volvo and the years I had it -- I put around 115,000 miles on that car. He really did serve me well.

xo, Fred.

Read Online Tonight:

"I don't have any baggage..."

The person was serious. I don't know how to process this belief, honestly. I imagined what my relationships would look like if I actually believed I had no baggage that I brought into them. How would the people in my life experience me if I came at them from this perspective? I would think it would mean a whole lot of me thinking all of the issues were someone else's, not mine. If I held this belief I would never be a contributor to the chaos and everyone else would be to blame for whatever wasn't going well. The result would likely mirror narcissism.

Now, do I always know what to do with my baggage? No, not so much. I'm growing through some more of that at the moment actually. It's delightful. I guess I can see why this dude would want to deny it, putting his baggage away from himself... It's so much more challenging to actually deal with it. And, I feel for him. I actually have compassion in the midst of feeling baffled. It's not a life-giving way to live... Denying the truth always leads us into death whether we recognize it or not.

Out of the Noise

It's grey outside this afternoon and I hoped the rain would actually come. What a tease! All of that wind and even the feeling of it in the air which sent me directly to the curb to bring the trash bin in before it poured... Or not.

I've turned on the lamps in my living room on account of the lack of brightness and it sort of feels lovely in here--even with a bit of a mess around the house today. I've been sorting through things in hopes of getting rid of more stuff and having space to actually store the things I really want around. It has been a good process for me. I'm learning how to let go more and more of less important things. This applies to so much more than my 'stuff' these days.

While printing pages of what will become my first draft of a book manuscript soon, I hope, I realized I hadn't blogged in quite some time. I've been working on a poem these past few weeks and continuing to ponder the book project while penning ideas in my mind for how the next part goes. I'm not writing in order which has presented an interesting challenge of sorts, but like my abstract paintings, I think it's becoming something even though the structure seems more lacking than abundant at the moment.

Honestly, I've felt fairly overwhelmed the past few weeks. There have been some significant happenings in my life and in the lives of people I love. It's always amazing to see how much emotional weight I carry. God is continuing to invite me to sit still, recognize exactly what it is and hand it back to Him. I'm still learning how to do so after all of these years. Going into the "prayer closet" is becoming increasingly more important the older I get and yet, it's so very easy to just keep moving with all of the 'extra' weighing me down. He's reminding me to continue to stop, to rest and to relate with Him over what comes up in the quiet.

Today, I worked from a coffee shop for a while and there was a group from a local church meeting to talk about what they're up to these days. I don't know them or their church, but as I was trying to focus on the book writing, I couldn't help but tune into their conversation and reflect on how my life looked like their's not so long ago. Even six months out from my old work routine, I find myself thinking very differently about church. That hit me strongly today as I eavesdropped a bit. I'm finding how much I'm longing for the Church to sit and be still. We talk a whole lot and have many ideas of what is happening or should happen. It's rather noisy in that place.

This isn't meant as a criticism. Rather, I was surprised to find how my own mind wandered there. I've been a major contributor in the past to that noisiness and I imagine I will fall into that again in moments to come. I know it's important that we work hard and do our best. Activity and talking can be a hindrance though. I think it's part of what God has been rescuing me from... my own tendency to allow my perspective and activity to become more important than the listening and the being.

There is little in my life which actually makes sense at the moment, but I'm finding how much freedom and peace I'm experiencing in a place of not knowing much of anything and even letting go of what I thought I knew. When I'm sitting quietly, I've been telling the Lord that... I'm genuinely glad to be 'in the dark' because I'm finding how I'm in a protected place, under the shelter of His wing (as it goes in Psalm 91, a personal favorite). I'm learning His character better and better here. And I feel thankful for a rainless, cloudy afternoon to stop and reflect on how good it feels to know so little these days. I'm enjoying the quiet.

Little Changes, Massive Results

It has been just a week or so now since I've shifted my sleep schedule -- going to bed earlier in order to rise much sooner the next day. Recently, I considered how effective I used to be when my schedule had me greeting the day on the early side. I lived it in college and even in my Boston years. I wondered what it could look like to 'go back'...

In the early part of February I mentioned to a friend how exhausted I was feeling after making a major decision for change and she encouraged me, "I don't think it will last much longer..." But, it did.

I gave up sugar for a couple of months to be more in tune with my body and gain greater awareness of how I was feeling (not running to it as a crutch). I also continued working out faithfully. What a helpful process, but it also left me with questions. My exhaustion was worse than I imagined... How in the world could I come to a place where I wouldn't be tired all of the time?

Then, just a few weeks ago, it hit me: You have to choose to change something else, Jess.... There's got to be another factor at play.


And so I thought about my daily schedule -- mornings have ALWAYS been my best, most fruitful times. I've strayed from them for years now. Starting my days later and later. Plus, I realized I needed to add some supplements back into my diet. I've been counting on food to supply all nutrients I need when I know it's really not possible (even with good, non-processed whole foods). So, I changed my sleep schedule and the other day, I bought a blender to bring nutrient-dense shakes back into my life. I've even gotten back into the habit of making my bed in the morning... All of these little things...

I feel like a new human! I've been marveling at how much more energy I have (even after a crazy full weekend) and the sheer volume of tasks I'm able to complete before 11 AM. I've even been enjoying extra time with the Lord -- real, quiet, sweet moments with Him and a cup of coffee where I'm inviting Him to prep me for the day He has ahead for me and just hanging out in Scripture, soaking in His words. It's been really good.

Perhaps I shouldn't be so surprised by the way these seemingly small adjustments are having an enormous impact, but I am. More than that though, I'm just grateful. The Lord always leads us into life -- I'm reminded that sometimes I have to take a step back to see the areas where it might be leaking so I can take responsibility and make life-giving decisions.

Sunday

I guess I wish I had the courage to say
how strange it continues to be that Sunday meant more than Saturday
or the Friday the month before
or the Wednesday before that

Because here I am
living life, practically around the corner
having released something which hindered
only to find it's all that really mattered to you

not me
just me not being there

There's so much more to me than that space in time
so much more than what I offered there and what I left behind

but all that seems to matter to you is Sunday
forget Saturday and how I stood available a room away
open for conversation and actual friendship

I've offered it time and again
you wave me away, dismiss me
put it in my court
"If you want to talk about it..." you say

the thing is, I talked for two years
making an approach time and again
offering, hopeful, receptive, inviting
and no, certainly not perfectly
but trying

and three days later, all that's on your mind is Sunday...

So sadly, words fail me -- what to offer you?...
a couple keyboard characters will have to do.

Tomorrow I begin...

... to finish a first book nearly 10-years in the making. Part of it is written and will need to be reworked, no doubt. I think it's what those who find their place in the field of editing love to do -- make it better by tearing it to shreds. For now, I'm not concerning myself about that piece of the process and how it will come together. Instead, I turn back to the pages I have in order to focus my intention on telling the stories once again.

On the drive home from my part-time job today I said, "I cannot believe I'm actually going to write like a writer..." The season is here! I know the work will be hard, still I have a confidence from the Lord that He's giving me everything I need so the words will come and the stories will mend their way together to become something I never imagined.

I feel sort-of thrilled, you know?

An End of an Era

Today I've struggled to find the right words. I'm in the process of writing a most important letter, the likes of which I cannot turn back from once written and sent. In a way, it feels like the most significant piece of paper I'll mail in my life thus far. It has to do with new beginnings and uncharted roads ahead and releasing and opening my arms wide to whatever God will bring to me (and what He'll bring me to, as well, I suppose).

Given the circumstances I've walked through over the past three months, this is the next necessary step to finish the journey I've been on and embrace what is to come. Still, I felt the words escape me where they typically remain. How do you succinctly tell people your whole life is changing while expressing tremendous gratitude to them all at once? If you know, please tell me. I'm all ears.

This is the task at hand for me this week. I'd hoped I would finish it today, but I'm left with a complete, yet utterly incomplete first draft. Part of me desperately longs to settle it and mail it; the other part of me wishes never to send it at all. The latter has something to do with stepping out in faith in the loveliest way I've yet to do so -- leaving the 'nest' if you will. It's terrifyingly lovely.

And, what's sweet about today and writing this letter is this: in route to a coffee shop where I'd write said letter, I made a pit stop at the Post Office to send a card and pick up my mail. In the process I retrieved an unexpected letter from one of the very people to whom I'll send my news. It's as if the Lord was saying, "Hey, this isn't an ending... They'll still be with you." I felt grateful.

So perhaps I should think of this not as an ending, but as a beginning. A beginning of a new era --  a place to invite people to join me in which simply looks a little different than the other spot. Whatever is to come, I have a strong sense in which it will be more than I ever hoped for and likely harder in ways I could not understand before arriving there. Such is life, after all. But, I thank God I know Him better now. I thank Him for that everyday because whatever is ahead, He's already there ready to greet me. That's good news for my heart today as I press in and try to finish this little letter...

Taxes & Twitter

I had a tender moment on Twitter last night.  I made a little 'office' space out of two storage bins stacked on top of the other and sat in my lovely dark leather chair which has been with me since Colorado... This set-up was much more comfortable than the kitchen table we're hoping to send to a new home soon. Trust me. So there I was detailing my mileage log in preparation to meet with an accountant today and tears came. I took a second away from my spreadsheet and wrote:

It's remarkable how the simple act of working on 2013 taxes brings up each hardship of the past year. Thankful to wrap it up fully.

The feeling was strange. I was executing this mundane task over hours and hours while reliving some of the most poignant, painful and eye-opening moments of this past year. Not quite sure how to feel, I let the tears come and told the Lord about them. Whew. 2013. You were a toughy. 

There are so many things I've said and thought and felt about the very moments I recorded for the sake of another tax deduction, but now, on this side of it, I'm simply amazed by the quantity of the yuck. Again.

I knew it was bad. If you've read anything I've written here this past year, you probably did, too. It was bad. 

One thing hit me late in the evening though. Perhaps it was delirium from sitting in 30 different positions on that chair and staring at those numbers and the printout and wondering if I missed anything, but I had another moment of clarity:  it was bad, but it has led me into so much good. Without it, I would not be where I am today and I actually feel like it's worth it somehow. I think I've said that before, but after detailing those days and the drive from one awful conversation to the next one, I needed to be reminded. 

It's like I could see why I have made the decisions I've made in the last few months. They make so much sense. I feel proud of myself for listening. Though, I wish I would have allowed myself to leap sooner. I could have been spared a bit of the pain, I think if I had. Hindsight.  

And I want to wrap it up, but I have a feeling I'll be revisiting many of those moments again as I write these books that are on the horizon. Part of me doesn't know how to do that as I consider it. It's still fresh in many ways and I worry about how to honor people while telling my truth. For now though, I think I'll leave it there. Taxes done. Refunds (yes, you read that correctly: refunds!) on the way. All in all, not a bad day.

My Longing

I felt like I returned to a land I lost. A place I once lived with hope high while brokenness drained away down river. The river rolled over my cheeks flowing off of me. While I well, I embraced the new creation. Catching glimpses of the me I was meant to be -- and as the layers were peeled ever so delicately backward, I saw more clearly. Hope flooded my heart with new possibilities. But unknowingly, I entered an almost darker time than before.

Thankfully He stood there to greet me in the midst of it and I knew Him better here. Soot from the past turned white pants to black. He was speaking the ash off of me. But I'd have to climb through the garbage heap to arrive at a new destination, leaving the stain on my back behind. Even as I climbed I thought I'd remain there... I never understood leaving as the point of the picture.

Until now.

Tonight it registered... I bid farewell to what it had become, not what it meant to me at the beginning. And as we sang songs in my sleepy hamlet, windows wide encouraging the succulent breeze of springtime to lavish us with life, I remembered the thing I loved. Here I was low, against the wall, inviting my voice to hold steady the lyric while tears rushed out once again.

This. This is what it used to be. Simplicity and fervor and light. Fellowship and creativity and hope. Intimacy and longing and joy. And these words, they fail me now as the memory was captured in my feelings. But, I felt it. The same feeling which existed then was present now. How? What does it mean to return when I've relinquished my longing for the very space in time when this similar stirring delivered me into a landscape so grand that I physically held my breath? (I couldn't believe how lovely it was.)

But it was real for a few fleeting moments. It was real and true and good. And it mattered, regardless of what anyone may tell you otherwise. It mattered to me.

And I grieve it.

I wonder about tonight though. My curiosity peaked as I encountered the familiar feeling. His presence evident in a small thing, that thing. He reminds me not to despise small beginnings.

Perhaps this is a foreshadowing of things to come. By design, my deepest hopes for what once was are now enveloped in what is to be in the not so distant future. What a beautiful thought which becomes my prayer. And maybe, just maybe, this particular story hasn't reached it's own potential yet.

It Was Brilliant

Most of the time I consider myself to be a person who isn't easily surprised. Many years of engaging with people from a smorgasbord of backgrounds has developed my curiosity and yet, for good or for bad,  I've grown to be rather unmoved when I learn of or see something I didn't expect in someone's life. I guess when you hear and witness so many stories, nothing feels too shocking. But today, I was genuinely surprised.

I attended a function and knew the person giving the address. It was one of their best moments when it came to content and delivery that I've witnessed. None of that was unforeseen. Still, there was a moment when a question was asked and instead of speaking in generalities, they allowed their humanity to spill out. The person spoke about a genuine fear they face in a process they're in. And I, well, I marveled.

The public and specific acknowledgement of limitation and weakness was one of the most beautiful and powerful things I've yet to witness in that person. I realized something as the day moved onward: I've never respected them more. Because today, I related to them in a way I didn't know was possible all due to a choice they made to be vulnerable in a brief moment in front of crowd.

Better

Earlier this year there was a piece of me which wondered about the things I was giving up to follow after the Lord. I didn't take much time thinking them over because I knew He was leading me to good places and I was so ready to go. One friend felt deeply about it on my behalf and honestly, I didn't really understand or even agree with their perspective. Because, to me, when the Lord invites me into something, I know He isn't asking me to release good things from my life. He's just inviting me into better.

And, beyond that, I wasn't concerned about how things would turn out. I figured that the people who needed to be in my life would be and I would be in theirs. Those who didn't need to walk through this next season with me wouldn't. I didn't need to 'fight' for friendships or figure it out. I simply needed to grab the Lord's hand and walk forward with Him. I truly thank God that I didn't worry about it because I've been able to simply be here, moving forward.

In the midst of feeling light about my relationships, God has done something I didn't expect (I didn't analyze it to death, so I didn't see it coming). He's given me the sweetest moments with people I used to see all of the time. I've been included in ways I haven't anticipated. When I show up somewhere and happen upon people, there is a freedom and joy in the moments we're together that I haven't experienced in quite a while.

I was living under a burden I couldn't easily identify. Expectation. Disappointment. Longing. Desire. Newly freed up from these places, I have the privilege to look at my encounters with fresh eyes. It has been really lovely. I'm feeling a little gooey about it today, actually. I see how the Lord has fought for ME in His leading away from what was. He had more for me and was not content to leave me there. Instead, He has led me here -- to a space which is so open and wide. Here where the sun shines more brightly, I find myself blinking back tears of gratitude for what was and now, what is.

This is where surrender leads. When I opened up my heart and my hands to say, "You know better," God kindly showed me just that -- better.

What He Says

I've been thinking a lot this week about believing God. He has given me many opportunities to practice listening to His voice above the voices of people these past few years. In this arena, the challenge for me comes when those people happen to be close to me.

What I've been learning is this: He tells me to place my trust in Him alone. He invites me into depth and intimacy in ways others might not ever understand. The risks He asks me to take and the decisions He invites me to make won't make sense to everyone. He and I have a really sweet relationship that way, actually. I'm really grateful for the way He works with me. It's a gift in my life.

So, at the end of the day I know that as I follow after Him, I genuinely don't need to worry about the opinions of those who don't see it as I do. They may never get it and honestly, it's okay because the most critical thing is that I choose to believe Him. No matter what.

I Think It's Called Living in Confidence

Six weeks ago my life looked radically different. On the outside, only a few things have changed (significant for sure); but what has happened on the inside is what I'm taking stock of right now. Driving home today, I realized how tired I am. I haven't slept well since Christmas and as a friend in my small group offered tonight, "That's a really long time..." True. I'm feeling it.

So driving home I got teary. I talked to the Lord about a couple of repetitive thoughts which feel irritating and hard. I dropped by to see a friend at a thing, paused to grab my mail and showed up at my house wanting nothing more than to see myself in my pajamas. Releasing any care of small group friends showing up 45 minutes after that, I let myself go there. I felt the small bit of sadness I felt today and I let the tired feeling exist without living in tension about it. Then they came and I was glad to see them (even in my pajamas).

Leaving for another thing after we wrapped up, I couldn't imagine why I got myself ready. There was nothing left in me, yet the place I arrived at and the people there required only that I be present. One woman showered me with unexpected encouragement. I don't even know if she could know how much her words meant to my heart today. She couldn't have... As I sat, writing notes to a couple of the friends we were celebrating, I noticed being noticed and felt a part. It was sweet.

What I'm seeing right now about myself is the way I've been called to live by a deeper level of faith than ever before and I think it looks good on me even in spite of the weariness. I feel alive. I don't have a great handle on where exactly I'm going, but the Lord has been inviting me to take even more significant steps forward this past week and I'm surprised, encouraged, curious and hopeful about what is to come. Somehow I've settled even more specifically into being just who I've been created to be. It's difficult to describe, but I guess I'm feeling decisively more comfortable in my own skin.

Over the weekend, I took time to revisit journal entries from the past nine or ten months. It's funny how God was literally birthing new desires in me and I wasn't able to see it clearly until now. And, perhaps they weren't so new, after all. When I think of it more, it seems He's been pointing me back to the core of what He's put in me all along. I think He's making a way for me to actually invest part of my time (in a legitimate paid sort-of way) finishing my first book later this year. I think He's making it possible for me to come alongside some people in ways I never imagined I could. I think He's bringing me to a place where I step into, in a substantial way, the things He's put in me to do and I believe the season I've just left afforded me the help of breaking off a lot of junk that needed to go so I might be right here. Right here in this place.

I'm tired and while a small bit of sadness lingers over some rather ordinary things, I see myself coming of age. I see promises being fulfilled. I see intimacy growing only deeper. I have hope in the core of who I am that He is who He says He is and He always, always, always leads me into good things. I have faith that the things I cannot see are actually coming to fruition right now. I keep encouraging these tired eyes to remain open, even focused, because what's ahead will certainly be a lovely view like I've never seen. I don't want to miss a moment.

A Life of Learning

I don't think there's anything in life which prepares one to walk through the deepest tragedies with people except for that one thing... Walking through them with people....

A few weeks back, two of my best friends and I decided to schedule an excursion to the coast, but mostly to Trader Joe's. I've been wanting to go for a month or two and was grateful we landed on a date. Within the day, I realized we would be making our way there on the 5th month anniversary of Sophie's life and death. There's nothing easy about death. Even five months into the grief, we all feel it.

Still, we took the day for what it was and found ourselves eating lovely fish tacos, then strolling down the street to witness the beauty which is the Gulf Coast. We took a couple of pictures (the kindest man offered to help us as he and his beloved walked by) and sat on the sand, staring out over the water for 20 minutes. I felt profoundly grateful for these friends who are more like sisters to me. They're more beautiful to me four and a half years into our friendship. I know it's because of the roads we've walked together.

Walking back to our car, we daydreamed about renting a vacation home there so we could get even more time together. It's fun to dream those little dreams, you know? But, I can see it... A week there with them (and probably the other peanut we love and their husbands... I don't think the guys would let us get away with a week without them). I'd love it.

I'm realizing more and more as I get older how much I simply don't know. The Lord, in His kindness, is helping me to open up my arms and invite whatever He deems as best. He's helping me to be faithful and to walk in obedience. And perhaps most importantly, He's helping me to learn to lean on Him in so many moments when I 'just don't know how' to relate or do the thing I need to do or risk or be the friend I'm not sure how to be for someone else. 

It's amazing how much I don't know, actually. I'm finding peace in this place, though. I'm learning to be present and how to be free. I'm learning to love better. And, I'm learning to be grateful for the process and these people in a way I never knew I could learn it.

Forging Ahead

I made a really significant decision this past week and it's starting to hit me. The tears have come a lot today as I feel the 'realness' of the choice I've made. Sitting with the Lord early in the day I said, "I know this is what You're asking me to do and I know it's good; I just feel so, so sad. Would You give me grace to be in this place where I feel it and grace to move into what is ahead?"

I heard Him say, "I rejoice over you with singing..."

More tears came.

The thing for me about following after Him in this is: He's so good and He knows where He's taking me; still, I feel a bit in the dark about how it all turns out and I feel as though I'm setting out on my own. And, in a way, I am. It feels uncomfortable, it feels messy and I choose today to sit in the sadness of the thing He asked me to leave behind. Though that place presented its own challenges, I grew there (really because of said challenges). No part of me thought He'd ask me to put all of it on the altar. Which, if you think of it is actually quite silly. Of course He would!... But, I guess I didn't think He'd really ask me to release it fully. I'm guessing I feel as surprised as the next person by that reality.

So I've sent letters and called a couple people and emailed some more. Only a couple calls though... They were short and I'm glad. I could barely get through the news, trying to stick to the 'facts' and be done with it. In my heart, I wept. And today I allowed the billowing waves of tears to wash down my face as my shoulders shook. Raising my eyes ceiling-ward, I told Him I loved Him and how I just needed grace upon grace right now. Thankfully, He offers it in great measure.

I know this gets easier, grief always does. It just takes time. So, here we go, Lord; I'm stepping out into this unknown place with hope that what is ahead is better for me than what I've left behind. And, I'm asking, "Make me like You. You have to make me just like You if this is going anywhere good..."

Taking Time

One thing I'm appreciate about the conversations I'm having about the future is how no one seems to be in a hurry. I'm learning how there is wisdom in the waiting. Today I was reflecting on how peaceful my heart feels in the midst of so much uncertainty. I'm grateful to have turned a corner in that regard this week.

Tonight I invited our small group to share things God has been showing them about 2014. What are you hoping to see? What has the Lord spoken in about what He wants you to trust Him for? What are some steps of faith you want to take? My hope was for us to share and capture these things so we might champion one another toward them throughout the year ahead.

It's pretty beautiful what happened... As each person shared it was clear how they have an understanding of what the Lord is inviting them into. And, I realized something important... These are the places where we get to focus our attention. In my experience, the group 'leader' decides the direction and everyone goes there. To an extent, I am doing that of course (living with intentionality, yes?). But, the thing which strikes me tonight is how God is at work in each person's life and we get to be part of what He leads them into. This is no "one size fits all" group scenario, right? I have the privilege of stewarding our gatherings in a way which highlight these things so we can see one another take faith steps into what God calls each of us to this year.

It reminded me of what I've experienced in my conversations about the future. We get to take time to discover how God wants to accomplish the things we shared tonight. We get to listen to one another and for one another. We get to encourage and challenge one another to step into those possibilities for growth, maturity and impact. To use my latest favorite word: Rad!

Driving home from a day full of appointments, I felt a bit defeated about the 'plan' for tonight. I hadn't taken good time with the Lord today and genuinely felt like, "What in the world are we supposed to do?" I felt disappointed in myself. Then, I stopped focusing on what I hadn't done and said to the Lord, "God, You know what we need tonight. Will You show me so we can step into it?" And, there we go...

I'm so grateful for His mercy, the time He takes with us to develop and transform us, and for His deep, deep abiding love. I'm encouraged tonight as I consider how He provided just what we needed and the way He's doing that for me, too in my personal journey. It's taking some time to sort it out, but I'm convinced that the time is worthwhile and what needs to come to fruition will happen as I continue to walk by faith, lean on Him, listen and obey. I think it's a good place to be and I'm grateful.

The Rare Ones

Sitting in the living room rounding out the evening, my roommate offered, "I love the way you are when you're with them." She was referring to a couple we're both friends with in our small group. Smiling, I nodded, "I know... I've told them many times before how I don't know what happens to me, but I become wholly myself when I'm with them. I'm not afraid of bringing all of it to the table." When she headed to her room, I continued to think about it.

When we arrived at their house for a hangout time with our group tonight, I walked up to their front door and yelled through the adjacent windows, "Let us in! Let us in! Let us in Let us in Let us in!!!!" I saw K over the sink smiling and S moved from his perch on the couch, amused.

There's something really special when you encounter people you can be yourself with. I don't know what it is about this couple, but I truly feel free when I'm with them. This belly laughing, wise-cracking, spastic person comes out to greet anyone around and brings along the one who considers things deeply, talks and talks and talks, gets red-hot-fiery on soapboxes, the woman who analyzes everything and the one who weighs the significance of what it means to to leave a legacy with her life. I get the craziest ideas when I'm with them and I actually think about how we'll carry them out... That "me" is present with them. I'm amazed on a regular basis when I see it in myself because it's uncommon.

In the case of all rare things, it's precious to me--this way of living as myself with them. Tonight, I feel especially grateful for them and the me I am when I'm with them. "She" is someone I'd like to know better because I only catch glimpses of "her" in my regular life. I feel like a stranger to myself as I type that (if you didn't notice, that's the reason for the quotation marks... ha!), but part of me feels that way. Perhaps that's the reason I said this as we parted tonight, "We can't go more than a week without seeing each other!!" It's sort of great to be a spaz sometimes... I meant it. :)

The thing is, I think I'm able to be this way because they're safe people. They're emotionally and spiritually grounded. They're trustworthy. They're faithful friends who know what it looks like to give and receive; extend and accept invitations. They share their stories and their lives; they let me in. They tell me they want to know me and champion me along this path I'm walking. They pray for me and remember the details. We laugh together (and we do, a whole lot). I know they'll be there because they've told me they want to be there. They don't just say this, but they actually mean it. I can confidently say this because their actions line up with their words.

I love them and being with them. And, I love who I am when I'm with them. The Lord has really blessed me in this friendship... Really, really, really blessed me indeed. I pray to be as safe a person and loyal a friend to them as they continue to be for me. I'm thankful.

Mark 6 Reflections

"Take heart, it is I; do not be afraid." -- Jesus 

(as recorded in Mark 6)

Jesus came to His disciples on the water. The winds were raging around them as they sat atop the water in a boat. His intention was to pass them. I've been mulling over that this morning... Why? Why was He going to pass them?

But then they called out. They were afraid, thinking they were seeing a ghost. Jesus steps into the fear, offering Himself... "I'm here... There's no reason to be afraid." The One who made the earth, the very air swirling around them, the trees which had been formed into the vessel and each man sitting in it was here.

In a way, it's odd to me: He didn't speak to the winds. Wasn't that the original problem after all?

Rather, He spoke to the disciples then continued to move toward them.

He got into the boat with them. He didn't continue walking past them. He stopped and engaged. Then the winds ceased.

I don't know about you today, but for me, this is good news. The Author of Life is with me telling me not to be afraid. He sees me in a place of need and move towards me, but He's not going to keep walking past... Because when I call out to Him, He's going to speak to the real need and join me in the boat. 

Interestingly enough, the disciples are astounded (I mean, of course they are!), but then their hearts are hardened. I wonder about that, too. Why aren't they brought to a place of complete tenderness in the midst of what He's just done, in the midst of His very Presence?

Perhaps it's because they couldn't put Him into a man-sized box... The passage says they couldn't understand the miracle from a while before (the bread and the loaves)... They couldn't wrap their heads around Him, so they kept their distance. Maybe.

For me, this resonates though. After telling me not to be afraid, He gets in the boat and the winds calm down. In light of all I'd just experienced with Him, the amazing miracles I'd just seen and the way He spoke to my exact need, I think I'd wonder about what was next. In fact, I do...

So I'm just going to sit with Him in that spot today wondering about my need to make Him my-sized and yet still in awe of the astounding gift of His presence and the peace He ushers in. I hope to learn more about my need in the place where I need to bring Him down to my level of understanding. I hope He surprises me with more astonishing moments where I see how very out of my box He is.

The Opposite of Worry

"You will keep her in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You: because she trusts in You."

Isaiah 26:3 (him/her changes: mine)

I've spent the last two days admiring the walls in my room and the view out my window due to the stomach flu. I forgot how awful it is. But today, I realized the sickness is related to stress I'm feeling. It's no wonder my body is responding in such a terrible way--I feel absolutely overwhelmed and worried. There have been so many things on my mind this past month and I now see the toll this stress has taken on my body as my thoughts have swirled. I've really only allowed myself to cry in short bursts this past month fearing I'd be overcome with the sadness and disappointment I feel, but perhaps it would be better to really 'go there' instead of stuffing it in the ways I have by stopping myself short each time the tears well. 

Throughout the day the above verse has been on my mind. I've recited it to myself as I've padded from bedroom to kitchen refilling my teacup. I've thought about it during and between episodes of Sherlock. And, I've wondered at the simplicity of allowing my thoughts to remain on the Lord making way for the worries to wash away. After all, Jesus sees my sadness. He gets my disappointment. He fully comprehends the future He's leading me toward. I have nothing to fear. His love drives out all fear.

All I must do is choose. Choose to see Him in all of it. Choose to trust. Choose to allow myself to feel what I'm feeling and stop censoring myself emotionally thinking no one can handle that... He can. And, He wants to. He's given me a lighter burden, a different yoke. He's inviting me there in this process and still, I hold on to some semblance of control for what? I'll tell you right now... Whatever I think I'm gaining here isn't worth it. 

If you're a person of prayer, I'd love for you to pray this verse for me. I need to walk in His grace and experience the wonderful peace He gives me so freely. I'm just having a hard time with it at the moment.

Walking in Thankfulness

In the midst of some hardship, I was reminded today to walk in thankfulness. There are so many good things in my life and as I'm up at this late hour (again), I thought I'd share the moments I feel most thankful for today. I'm thankful:

• I was able to sleep in -- a luxury my friends with kids don't often have.
• The Lord loves me exactly as I am in this moment, on this day.
• New paint and a fresh perspective in my home and bedroom.
• My roommate and I had time to catch up on life a bit today. I was vulnerable and shared how I'm really doing.
• I finished my Christmas cards (at last!). They were delivered late and I'm grateful to have so many people to send them to -- God has blessed me with many people in my life.
• I enjoyed a movie with a friend today. Thankful for her presence in my life.
• Took a night-time nap before heading out again. I feel grateful for the chance to rest more in the midst of reoccurring exhaustion.
• Headed out on the town with some favorite girlfriends to celebrate a birthday. I laughed SO much tonight, danced and enjoyed the opportunity to reconnect. I felt loved and seen by them.
• Stopped by another party on the way home and felt so loved there, too -- some friends expressed a genuine excitement to see me and I just loved being with them even for a short time.
• One of the friends at the last party reminded me that there is a place for me in my church community. He told me I was missed and would be happy when I came back. There really aren't words for how much our interaction and his words meant to me. It's so hard to think about going back there right now, but I felt encouraged to be present where I'm at and reengage when I'm ready. His encouragement truly bolstered me.

Thankful.

Hug It

Well here we are: 2014. I woke from vivid dreams and looked at the time. 10:14 AM. Not wanting to interrupt the possibility of more sleep, I said to the Lord, "Let this be sacred space right now. If You'd like to say something, please do." Then I fell more deeply into my pillow, snuggling up to the thought. The only thing moving through my mind was a blur of images from my dreams though, so I just rested there not making sense of any of it.

After a while, I opened my eyes more completely and allowed the room to come into focus. I'm so glad I painted and rearranged two days ago. It's like a different place, this bedroom of mine. I felt gratitude wash over me, "Thank you, Lord. Thank you so much for helping me to change this space. I didn't know how much I needed it to change." It's opened up new potential for me, honestly. After three months in this home, I can finally imagine paintings on the wall and feel happy just to be in my room. It's like it's suddenly becoming a sanctuary for me. I really didn't know how badly I needed one...

So it's the small things and the large ones which matter (profound, yes? Ha!) and the reality of that truth is anchoring itself in me as I understand how this will be a year of unprecedented change for me. I'm open to the possibilities. That's the word from Him on the subject: possibilities. For two weeks now, I've been mulling over the word. He's affirmed it in the coolest ways and I feel blessed to be hearing correctly when so much of me has been questioning if I've even heard Him well these past few months (and potentially, years). I wish I more fully understood why He has ordained the things which have come my way. It's hard not knowing the larger story because this season has been so painful.

On New Year's Eve last year, I walked along a beach just before midnight alone. Taking space from the friends I was with, I felt a longing just to be with the Lord. As I walked and considered the year I was leaving and the one I was entering, my heart felt conflicted. There was real tension about an interpersonal relationship and I wondered what the new year would bring in that regard and more generally, in my life.

I've questioned myself so fully this year. As in the past, the harmful things have struck a deep chord and sadly, I've let them tag along. BUT, I've regained my voice as I've sought to be honest with myself and others when it has come to my experience. So much freedom has come with honesty. For the first time in a long time, I haven't been overly concerned about the way my feelings come across. I just felt them and sought to honor myself and the Lord by staying put instead of running away from them. I'm grateful for the chance to grow and to try.

Last night was understated. I purposefully chose it. A good friend and I spent time together and it was refreshing and lovely. Later, I made a wardrobe change then headed out again to see another friend. Surrounded by hundreds of strangers, we welcomed the New Year. The anonymity of the moment was sort of fantastic. Finding a bench later, we talked about the really real stuff going on in our lives. Actually, we shouted it at one another. It was an interesting moment to say the least as strangers swirled around us with drinks and hopes and sadness's and intentions to make the most of the celebrating. I wondered about them briefly... What were they really thinking of as they considered the night and the New Year? Did they have hope? Did I?

Leaving around 12:45, I felt relieved to get home and sleep. I was so happy to part ways with 2013 not because it was all bad, but because I finally feel ready to step into the change God has for me this year. I feel like He has set the stage for these 'possibilities' and I'm ready to embrace them now. If not for the pain of this past year, perhaps I wouldn't be ready. For that, I am grateful. I'm seeking to look at the pain from His perspective and find the hope and joy in what it has produced. I think there is good fruit to be found here. And, as my mom wisely said to me several weeks back, "Embrace this as a refreshing move to a new straight path." So, I'm taking her advice and opening my arms wide to "hug this new season."

Welcome 2014: Year of Possibilities. Welcome.